Chicken or Rooster?

I got an email from my new favorite store this morning and it asked if I wanted to shop the e-catalog. Why yes, I would love to.

This was the first thing that I saw.

I immediately bust out laughing....because I have a dirty mind.  A really dirty mind.

I sent the picture to iKeith and my two brother in laws for verification.  What is this?  A Chicken?  Or a Rooster.  Because if it's a rooster...I think it's kind of inappropriate and I need to buy one for my Mother In Law.

She collects bunny's.  What did you think?

So...what do you think?  Chicken or Rooster?

iKeith says it's a hare on a cock.

Sacrifice

I've been so sick for the last few days that I couldn't sit in my chair in front of my computer and I couldn't even form a coherent word to play Words With Friends. (my name is ConnieAW if you want to play)

Luckily....I was sick over the weekend mostly and iKeith took care of me.  He took care of the kids and brought food home. He brought my favorite Twisters Breakfast Burrito and it was soooo good!   I did go to the grocery store on Sunday Morning and it took all the energy I had to do so. I might have coughed on a couple people on purpose because they kept getting in my way.

I read an entire book.....and I loved it.  I loved the book and I loved that I had time to do one of my favorite things in all of the world.  I hate that I have to be sick to do it sometimes...I need to make time for it.

Over the weekend...I had to break some bad news to some friends.  I'd been hoping that I'd be able to go to a blogging meet up in Austin in May.  I was counting on our tax refund being large enough that I'd be able to claim some of it for myself. I'm still getting a little bit...but I'm saving it for a PTA outfit.

I studied tax info to see what all we could deduct this year because last year was so expensive for us.  I discovered that our moving expenses could be and also the Apple conference.  I felt like Obama owed us big since he caused iKeith to find new employment.  Did you know that you can't deduct expenses for finding a new job in a different field...you know, like if the President CANCELS the space program and finding another job in that field would require you to move to Russia.  That's bullshit.

Anyway....our refund was looking good.  My hard work paid off and then I had to make a decision.  Take  a chunk of the money for myself and go on a weekend trip. Or send my husband to San Francisco to the Apple conference so that he can learn more for his career.

I think you know which one I picked.


Dear Becca, IA, Jennifer Katherine, Vivienne and Shawn.

I am so sorry.  Please don't be upset with me.  I promise that someday....things will be better here and I will be able to take trips.   Have a Texas Martini for me....

Haiku Friday: Angry Bunny

I Drive Him Crazy

3.) Something you do that drives your significant other CRAZY.

The other day, Keith was late coming home from work and made the comment to a coworker (hi Dave) that I was going to hate him for being late.  Dave told iKeith that I already hate him....and that he reads my blog and twitter so he knows this to be true.

And then he told iKeith that he has a rough life.

I've thought about this for a few days, did he mean...Man, your wife is a crazy bitch and you have a ROUGH life.  Or did he mean...You have the best freakin wife, you have rough life.

I choose to think the later.  In fact, I know for a fact that I'm the best thing that ever happened to Keith.  And I am NEVER wrong.

Now...I admit that I do a few little things that drive iKeith crazy.  Here is a list of those things:

1. Criticize his driving. In my defense...he drives like an old man.
2. Leave dishes in the sink. I like to soak things...
3. Leave magazines on the couch. The coffee table is full of toys.
4. Plan anything trips in the future. He can't plan more than a month ahead.
5. Talk about having another baby. He thinks he's too old.
6. When I'm always right.  

Things Are Tough All Over

Too Much of a Good Thing

celebrating you

at a germ infested place

photo evidence

Pillows, Tutus and A Big Mouse

My daughter had a wonderful birthday...Thank you everyone that wished her a happy day!  I read every comment to her and she thinks she's famous now.  More about her day in a minute.

I mentioned that I got my crafting mojo back the other day and I wanted to show you what I've been working on.

First off....I have had BIG plans to make our apartment more appealing.  You may be wondering why I'd want to do this....when we should be moving out of our temporary arrangement in August.  We've decided not to move...for now.

There are a couple reasons for this.....one of them being that we still can't afford to move yet and we'd like to put some money in the bank and possibly buy a house instead of renting one.  This is not the best apartment we could be renting but it's nice and it's big enough and we really hate the thought of moving again.

We are happy here (mostly).

Anyway, I had big plans to paint my entertainment center.  I even asked iKeith instead of just doing it and he said yes, and then he said no.  I was really bummed about it.  Instead...I'm working on de cluttering and accessorizing.

I found a really awesome pillow at Target but when I told iKeith how much it was he said NO. Are you seeing a theme here?

I went to Cost Plus and JoAnn's over the weekend and inspiration struck when I found some napkins that were the exact colors that I wanted to decorate my living room!

I bought two napkins ($6) and a pillow form ($9) and sewed them together!  This is my favorite chair where I read, journal and watch TV.  I love it!

My other project was a tutu for Mallory's birthday.  I was feeling badly that I hadn't really done anything for her big day...like I did last year and this little project filled that void and she loved it!

I followed the directions from Wildflowers and Whimsy and I just loved making this!  I worked on it over two nights after the kids had gone to bed, while watching GLEE.  It make me soooo happy!

Mallory was very specific about what she wanted for her birthday cake so I called in a professional.  Gemma from Bella Stella Bakery.   The requirements were: Strawberry Cake, Strawberry Filling, White Frosting and Pink Flowers. 

It was beautiful, delicious and exactly what the Princess ordered!  I have to tell you....Mallory was a little bit reluctant to let us eat it.  She just wanted to sit and look at it.  Thank you Gemma for helping make a little girl's wish come true!  

Speaking of wishes coming true.  This little girls only wish for her birthday was to go to Chuck E Cheese (i call it Chunky Cheese).  She had so much fun, ate more pizza than I've seen her eat in her life and she met the guy in the costume BIG mouse!

Her favorite gifts were  an apron, a whisk and dollhouse accessories that Alex gave her.

HUGS!

My Baby is Four.

My *baby* is turning four years old today.

I've always referred to her as my miracle baby because I truly don't know how she was conceived.  The timing was not right....I was nursing a 8 week old baby and after two years of temp taking and such...I know when conception should occur.

Back then I was praying that God would let me have two children before I got too old.  I'm guessing he had some miracles to perform since I was speeding toward early menopause.  I thank God every day for answering my prayers.

Mallory's Birth Story.

I believe that he also sent her here to heal me.  To allow me to be the mother that I didn't have.  Loving this girl is a blessing I didn't know I was going to need.

She's the best medicine.

She's got amazing blue-grey eyes that change color with her mood, a messy mop of blonde hair and skinny little legs that carry her far when she's running from her brother.

She gives the most amazing hugs.

She loves Julia Child and learning to cook. Going to the library and crafting are two of her her favorite things to do.  She likes to get her finger nails painted and my lap in our favorite chair is still her best hang out.  Did I tell you that she loves blue cheese?

Happy Birthday to my Big Girl!

The Bachelor Brad: Poking The Bear

Damn you Brad Womack! Three minutes into the show and you made me cry! I loved that he was so touched to see his family and that his emotions came out full force.

In my house....we were on two different teams. iKeith liked Chantal from show one and I just had a hunch that Brad was going to pick Emily. I picked Emily because I like to win...not because I wanted her to be with Brad.

I really think Chantal would have fit into his family and Brad seemed to fit into her family. I believe Chantal would have re-located in a heartbeat and would have moved heaven and earth to make things work. I don't think she'd have let a month go by without seeing him.

I think Brad is much more in love with Emily than Emily is in love with Brad.

I don't know Emily and I get the feeling we didn't get to know the REAL Emily on The Bachelor at all....perhaps the reality of leaving her daughter's extended family and starting a new life might be too much for her. She doesn't strike me as a risk taker.

Do you remember if Brad ever asked HER if she'd be willing to move to Austin? I honestly can't remember it coming up. To me...it's assumed that you'll move. I don't know why anyone would go on this show if they didn't plan on moving to the Bachelor's home town.  I hope the winner of Ashley H's season is willing to move to Maine.

I really hope that Brad and Emily work out....but I don't have a good feeling about it.

"You're so much more to me than a leap of faith. You're the one. You're my once in a lifetime. I'm asking you to give me your forever. Please let me be your best friend, let me protect you and your beautiful daughter and please give me the opportunity to love you for the rest of your life,"

Crafting MoJo

Is back!!!
I'm working on something for my daughter's birthday....and something for me!
A trip to JoAnn's and Cost Plus was all it took to get my mojo back.
Can't wait to show you what I'm working on....here's a sneak peek!

Friday Haiku: Scenes From a Park

The park is usually Daddy's territory.  But when it's 70 degrees on March 9th....the park calls your house and invites you over.  

'The slides not hot!' it says.

I've been amazed by my kids the last few days. They are turning into little people and slowly making their way out into the world...and away from me.  I have to let them go...to blossom and grow.  I'm ready.

I think.

I find it so interesting how my children drift in separate directions when we're in a setting like this.  Alex tends to find a stick and start digging for treasure and Mallory immediately finds a friend for life.  I flit between them as well as I can...I'm sure I look like the most expert helicopter parent.  

Mostly....I'm just observing.  I'm endlessly fascinated by their imaginations and what they talk about with their peers. 

I catch snippets of Mallory's conversation with Sally.  Who I find out later is almost three, here with her Grandmother, has a Mommy that works and gives her purple necklaces.  Mallory shares with her that she loves the Blue Man Group, is a fantastic cook and has a beautiful Mommy that blogs.  I laugh...because my daughter thinks blogging is my job.

I taught her well.

A little boy named Joey becomes enthralled with all things Alex.  They are nearly 2 feet and 3 years apart.  This small boy follows my son around and imitates everything he does, looking at him like he's the big man on campus.  My mind fast forwards to a day when this might be the case...tall and good looking, my boy has such potential.

Soon, it's time for Sally to leave and Mallory is devastated.  She runs to me crying her eyes out to not let her new best friend leave.  I hold her, wipe away tears and tell her that soon....she will have more friends than she knows what to do with and they will see each other every day.  I think ahead to the days when this will be true.  My girl is friendly and generous....she's going to be someone's BFF.

The Bachelor Brad: Women Pick on Michelle

I don't have a lot to say about the women tell all show.   I missed a big chunk of it because of family drama which I hope to god can finally be over now.  Some of you know what I'm referring to. 

I have more drama in my life than an episode of The Bachelor!  It includes someone that drinks too much, someone that hates me and someone that's telling vicious lies about me.  My husband who has played the role of Chris Harrison...has finally agreed that these relationships are toxic and harmful to me, our children and him.

Of all of the things this guy has hope for...he picked the hopeless!

Okay...back to the show!

It seemed like a lot of the girls were picking on Michelle and maybe she deserved some of it but you also have to remember that she's on a reality show!  I think the producers find the controversial person in the group and encourage them to make remarks.  She was good at it because of her brand of humor and that's good TV people.

Now...the girl (i think her name was Stacy) that was criticizing her parenting.  Was completely out of line.  It is unacceptable, rude and uncalled for to judge anyone's parenting unless you are directly involved (you are the CHILD) or a parent yourself.  And even then...unless she knows Michelle and her daughter personally (which Stacy doesn't) then she should shut the hell up.

Wow...I might not have just been talking to Stacy there.

I loved seeing Brad look so relaxed talking to the girls and about who he has picked.  She's changed his life.  I'll be happy with either outcome and I actually have no idea who he's going to go with.

The outtakes from the show were hilarious!!  I laughed so hard at the naked guy on the beach!  Can you imagine?  I wonder where they were when that was filmed?

So who do you think Brad will pick?  Chantal or Emily?

To Target We Will Go

After having an awesome lunch in Golden on Saturday...iKeith decided that we should go to the grand opening of the new fancy two-story Target in Belmar. I thought it would be really busy and crazy....but my husband is a gluten for punishment didn't care.

Meghan composed an original song on the way there.  It went like this.

Going to.  The Target Grand Opening!! 

Going to.  The Target Grand Opening!!

Erick can't go to.  The Target Grand Opening!!

I didn't meant it.

We're all going to.  The Target Grand Opening!!  

We got some Starbucks and then walked around enjoying the fancy, shiny new store!  I went to check out the restrooms and someone decided to ruin my brand new fancy Target experience by ridding it of its NEW TARGET SMELL.  Please tell me you know what I'm referring to and I'm not going to have to spell it out for you.

In other news...why can't people poop at home.

Check out the super fancy Target escalator.  And that guy in the hoodie that is giving me dirty looks.

The bottom layer contains the parking garage and the top level is the Target.  There are all of these CARPOOL spaces and I made iKeith park in one of them because, DUH we had the kids with us.  He thought we shouldn't park there.  So...what do you think?  Are these spots for people that are carpooling to work?  Or are they for people like me that think more than 1 person in a car is a carpool?  How many people do you know that carpool to Target?

Gosh, I hope no one took pictures of our GIANT SUV parked in the carpool spot....

Friday Haiku: Little Chef

To see what she's making....and for a chance to win a Starbucks gift card, visit The Rookie Foodie!

Adventures with Robert:Dating My Brother in Law

A few weeks ago, my brother husband in law Robert asked me out on a date.  He asked me to find something for us to do together so I picked a play...because you know how much I love the theater!  He gave me his credit card and I booked some tickets to Circle Mirror Transformation at Curious Theatre.  I'm in love with this place and I've seen every show this season...and I'm planning to see many more!

Rob picked me up and told me he was going to surprise me with a restaurant.  Then he drove to Wendy's.

He was kidding of course and drove around the corner to Le Central French Restaurant!! I almost peed my pants because i was so excited!  We had had a conversation about this place a few weeks earlier and he remembered!

I like to be adventurous when I'm eating so I tried many things that I'd never had before...like Escargot and Mussels.  To see details of what we ate...visit The Rookie Foodie.

We shared most of the dishes so we could try more menu items and we were both stuffed.

Something About Mary..

Robert was wearing too much clothing...making him a little hot and ended up making his hair stick straight up.  I called him Mary the rest of the night.  We also drank an entire bottle of wine.

I ordered this for dessert not knowing that Robert doesn't like Chocolate.  He took one bite...I got the rest.

We finally made it to the play.  Circle Mirror Transformation is about five people that take a 6 week drama class and through a series of well known acting exercises get to know each other.  It all takes place in a Rec Center type room with limited props.  During the play, we learn about each character as they tell each other's story.  It was very interesting and as always...I loved every minute of it.

Robert wanted to go dancing after the show but since I don't wear my stilettos very often...my feet were swelling up like a pregnant chick eating Wendy's fries.  Instead we went to The Yard House for one last drink.

I'm getting to old to party past 11pm.  I wouldn't have made it anyway!

The Bachelor Brad and Bethenny too!

Wow.  I think I want to go on a trip to South Africa.  It looks beautiful and laid back and I only saw a couple bugs.

Poor Brad, he's terrified of ending up alone and things with the ladies are out of control! The good news is that he's convinced that one of these women is going to be his wife.

Chantal:

Brad takes Chantal on a safari and he tells her how much he misses her family mom.  They are sitting in the truck looking at the bush and come across a nest of lions who are getting angry because Chantal can't shut the hell up.

They walk down to the water for a picnic and a man with a gun has to accompany them.  Chantal tells Brad that Love is more than a feeling.  I think she might be hooked on a feeling....

They have dinner and the fantasy suite card comes out.  After agreeing to spending the night as a in harmony couple, Brad leads her into the bush to a tree house and says Ta Da!  I see several problems with this set up that mean I would have rejected this *fantasy*.  Where is the bathroom, where is the guy with the gun and what about the bugs.

Emily:

Brad leads Emily into the bush and then says...oh wait, I forgot something and leaves her alone to be eaten by wild animals.  He comes back riding an elephant and she hops on board exclaiming Goodness Gracious! and that this is her dream come true!

Brad says that she's one in a million and that he lights up when he sees her.  They make out while watching baby elephants play in the water.

At dinner, Brad is visibly nervous and drinks a bunch of wine.  The fantasy suite card comes out and Emily starts to play innocent and is all...I'm a Mom and I have to set a good example for Little Ricki but ultimately she follows her loins and accepts.

They do not go to a tree house but to a very nice room.  She tells him that she's falling in love with him and he breaks the rules (again) and tells her that he is too.

Ashley:

Brad leads Ashley out into the bush to a waiting helicopter and Ashley loses her shit because she is afraid of heights.  Brad calms her down and they visit a place that is very beautiful, it's called God's Eyeball or something like that.  I'm sorry...that's not what it's called.  I hate Ashley and I wasn't paying attention.

They have a picnic and Brad asks her where she wants to live.  She talks about southern Maine and being near her sister.  She never mentions Austin Texas and you can see that this is upsetting Brad.  Hello Ashley...do you remember what show you are on?

Ashley explains that she is very driven and her Dentistry career is very important to her.  She has NOT read the Ali Fedotowsky dating handbook.  Dinner is going really badly....Brad admits that he's attracted to her and her energy but that their lives don't mesh.  He also refers to her as one in a million which is weird because EMILY is supposed to be one in a million.

She excepts the fantasuite card that I don't think should have been offered to her in the first place and they go on to have a very uncomfortable evening of uneasy silence.

Rose Ceremony: 

Brad stands before the three ladies and asks Ashley to please come talk with him.  He explains that they have bad miscommunication and that when he asked the tough questions he didn't really get answers. Ashley says that she's bad at expressing herself.  I beg to differ.   I think Ashley is an idiot and knew exactly what he was asking her.  She gave the answer....I'M NOT MOVING TO AUSTIN.  Hell!  She didn't even do her hair for the rose ceremony. Brad walks her to the curb.  Note: rumor is that she is going to be the NEXT Bachelorette.  I dislike this broad more than I disliked Jake.  I will not watch if she is the Bachelorette.  ABC...did you hear me?

Can I just say...all of these daisy duke shorts in the bush...doesn't seem appropriate. There is this thing called SAFARI WEAR and it includes long pants.

Chantal and Emily get roses and in two weeks they go to Capetown and meet HIS family!

Next Week: The Women Tell All

**************

Did you watch my favorite show last night?  If you missed it...it's on BRAVO for your viewing pleasure.

Bethenny Ever After: 

I love Bethenny.  I was so thrilled when Bethenny found Jason and they got married and had a baby.  I feel like me and Bethenny could be friends.  I love her honest and ability to say what she thinks.  And she's damn funny!

I watched the premiere today and I have to say that I'm now in love with her Mother in Law too.  It's like iKeith and Jason are brothers.  The only son (kind of) with parents that he's close to and an umbilical cord that needs to be cut.  I can also relate to Bethenny and her crazy background.  We're like freakin twins!

I went through all of this...needing to be our own family and not share every single moment with his parents.  Arguing about how much time we spent with them and hurting people's feelings.  I'm used to being the bad guy.

Also...like Jason, iKeith professes his love for me when he's tipsy drunk too.  And like Bethenny...I need therapy.

Very Important People

In November 2009, I was visiting Denver for Thanksgiving and I made a new friend. I first met Tina on twitter and we started reading each other's blogs and then she came to a bar to have a beer with me and it was Friendship at First Sight! Note: it appears that I've gone from wearing turquoise and black to my new favorite color...orange and black.

I've been back in Denver for six months now and Tina and I hadn't made the time to get together...until this past weekend.

We both wanted to see Black Swan and my favorite movie theater is halfway between our homes so she agreed to spend the afternoon with me. You may recall that this awesome theater has a VIP section. For an extra $3 you get to sit in leather reclining love seats and you have a waiter that brings you free soda and popcorn. They also have appetizers and a full bar. The prices are a little high but you get to drink booze while watching the movie!

Wine, Coke and Popcorn

Oh..another added bonus. A VIP restroom so that you don't have to go with the common folk! Tina went first and came back to report that she had gotten a personal escort to the restroom. I had to go too so she told me to look for the guy in the blue shirt. It turned out to be the General Manager of the theater and he would later tell all of our seat mates that he'd do anything to make their time enjoyable...including take them to the potty! Now THAT is customer service!

Tina is like the sister I wish I had!  When we're together we talk and laugh and carry one like we've known each other for years! We were having the best time and our waiter was a darling and took our picture even though he said it was against the rules.  I'm ALWAYS in violation so we went for it.

Aren't We Cute?

Not long after we took our seats....a young couple sat down next to us and brought their own soda and popcorn from concessions, even though the waiter is supposed to bring it to you.  They didn't order drinks or food and as near as I could tell....didn't speak to each other.

We talked until the movie trailers started and we were trying very hard to whisper into each others ears if we had a comment during the movie.  We did make some noise during the scary parts and gasped at some of the startling parts.  BECAUSE WE'RE NORMAL!

As this couple got up to leave when the credits came on....the girl shot us the dirtiest look I've ever seen!  Tina and I looked at each and I said...was that for US?  WOW!  We decided that she was pissed because 1) she didn't have as much fun as we did and 2) they paid $6 extra dollars to sit next to us and 3) the general manager didn't take her to the potty.

We were having so much fun that we walked down the mall to Slattery's Irish Pub where a Sawyer look- a-like was our bartender.  We should have taken his picture....I think he would have let us. Dang it!

We're planning to get our hubby's together because they are both quiet, serious types with boisterous wives that like to have a good time!

Speaking of good friends.....

I checked my mail yesterday to find that I had a package from Heather from Madaline: The Magnificent Mayhem Maker.  She made me a beautiful scarf in my new favorite color!  ORANGE!

Thank you Heather!

 Black Swan: I really liked this movie and I'm thrilled that Natalie Portman won best actress for her role (NINA) in this film.  Barbara Hershey played the crazy, obsessive mother really well and the twists and turns kept me guessing.  The only completely unbelievable part for me was when Nina's Mom buys her a sheet cake for getting the part.  Who in their right mind buys a ballerina a cake?  Don't see this film if you have issues with skinny girls that eat grapefruit, Winona Ryder, masturbation as homework,  lesbians or swans.

Perfection is not just about control. It's also about letting go. ~ Thomas Leroy in Black Swan

Friday Haiku: Goals

photo credit: ME June 2008

We're Number One!

Remember the other day when I had the big frowny face and I told you that we were wait listed at 3 schools.

I was wrong.

The letter that was coming in the mail from our 1st choice charter school was to inform us of what number we were in the school lottery for open spots at the school. This school is crazy hard to get into.  Last year...there were 250 applicants for 40 spots.

The letter came last Tuesday and I stood in the parking lot holding the envelope for a long time.  I was afraid to open it because I've never been one to have good luck.  

I walked all the way back to my apartment holding it to my chest and praying that it was good news.  Please God let us get into this school!

I tore open the envelope and scanned the letter.  Two things stood out.

1

Grade K

I re-read the letter three times and took a picture of it and sent it to iKeith.  

Is that a 1.  As in WE ARE NUMBER ONE in the SCHOOL LOTTERY???

It was and we are!

They called me today to offer my son a spot at their wonderful Blue Ribbon winning charter school.

I said yes!!

One of the great things about Alex getting into this school is that Mallory will get a spot next year. Siblings get priority.  There will be no lottery!

Speaking of luck.....

iKeith is my good luck charm.  Things really turned around for me when I met him and he's been experiencing good luck for years.

When he was a plebe at West Point his parents were planning to visit during Parents Weekend and all cadets were warned to make the nessessary hotel arrangements as soon as possilbe.

iKeith waited too long and there were NO rooms available.  Luckily The Hotel Thayer raffled off a few rooms every year.

iKeith won the Presidential Suite. 

Four years later...iKeith is graduating from West Point and his parents AND brothers are coming out for this momentous occasion.  

Guess who didn't make arrangements for his family.

Guess who AGAIN won a suite at The Hotel Thayer.

iKeith did.

I think I'll just call him Mr. Lucky!

Non-Mormons Guide to Utah

I was reading a post from Dooce today about her study.

In this post I discovered that most homes in Utah have a room just off from the front door that is used for Home Study with the Mormon teacher that is assigned to come to your home and check up on you.  ie...Brother Horton.

We thought this room was a dining room but now that I have this bit of information, it makes sense that this is what it was supposed to be used for because it was painted fertile earth brown and it had french doors with no handles on it. All the better to lock Brother Horton in my dear!

Since moving back to Denver, we've had time to reflect on our Utah experience...I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner...but as a public service to all new transplants to Utah I present:

The Non-Mormons Guide to Utah

• The room near the door is not a dining room..it's a home study room. This would be a good place to visit with the missionaries you will be inundated with. Don't be a dork like me and make them stand outside in the cold. 

• The room in the basement with shelves is not a wine cellar. It's for your one year (or 3 month if your broke) supply of canned goods. A list of what you are supposed to have on hand can be found here. You can expect at least one neighbor to bring you a couple cans to get you started.

• The church at the end of your street is called a Ward. The guy that runs it is called a Bishop. The big churches with the gates around it are called Temples...you can't go in unless you are a Mormon.

• General Conference is a meeting that is televised twice a year (generally...April and October). You will think that the second coming of Jesus has occurred but it's just that all of the Mormon's are glued to their TV's for the entire weekend. This is a great time to go to the Zoo or any other popular venue.

• If people at the grocery store don't smile at you....it's because they don't recognize you from The Ward.

• Liquor stores and grocery store beer. Liquor stores are only open until 7pm and 10pm. Plan accordingly. Whatever you do...do not drink grocery store beer. It's a waste of money...they don't call it near beer for nothing. 

• Speaking of booze. You can get a (3.2)beer at 10am...but you have to wait until Noon for wine, real beer and liquor. Don't bother ordering a Martini, Margarita or a Long Island Iced Tea. They are only allowed to give you 2.5 ounces of liquor per drink. Also, you have to order food with it.

• Lots of restaurants and stores are closed on Sunday. Figure out what's open on Sunday and enjoy dining in a near empty restaurant. This is also your best day to go to Target and the Mall.

• Learn to make the following dishes: Jello Mold, Funeral Potatoes, Frog Eye Salad and Fry Sauce.

• It may be difficult to make friends in Utah but don't take it personally. Mormons are very busy with church activities and have likely lived in the same area for their entire lives. Also, you won't have much in common with them. Hang out in coffee shops and approach other people drinking coffee.

• If you aren't interested in becoming Mormon...then don't accept a Book of Mormon or attend any church functions. In some places, this will encourage them to try to convert you. And whatever you do...do not invite them into your living room to discuss things. This gets your name on a special list that you can't be removed from.

• If you do not convert and continually turn the Missionaries away...you may be shunned by your neighbors. Don't take this personally. It's their loss.

• If you see a woman at the grocery store that looks like she just stepped out of an episode of Little House on the Prairie and she has a whole bunch of kids...she's probably a sister wife. Smile and say Hi to her because everyone in the store will be whispering about her behind her back. You are both outsiders...be real nice to her.

• Never admit to having had an abortion, being gay or being Jewish (we aren't...they assumed).
  

• The best restaurants and grocery stores with exotic ingredients are located in Salt Lake City.

The Bachelor Brad: Kiss of Death

This is usually one of my favorite weeks of The Bachelor. I love seeing the hometown dates and where these girls come from.

I hated this episode. I hated it so much that I'm having trouble writing about it.

Chantal lives in Seattle and of all of the dates...I thought this one was the most successful. They got along great, her dog loved him, her parents liked him and her dad gave Brad his blessing to marry Chantal. The whole thing seemed very natural.

Ashley's family lives in Madawaska Maine and it's a remote and isolating place. Her family was a little too....excited and it made me tired and I found them irritating. Brad seemed to like them. Ashley hasn't expressed any love for Brad and he's worried that he might be holding her back by asking her to move to Austin.

Shawntel lives and works in Chico California. Her Dad didn't hesitate to make it known that Shawntel is supposed to be taking over the funeral home from him...like tomorrow. He also laid a major guilt trip on her by reminding her that her old high school teacher's son died while she was galavanting around the country and she had really needed Shawntel. In fact, the entire community is counting on her to bury all of their family members and this is much more important than Shawntel's happiness. Her dad is an asshole. She also had Brad lay on an embaling table and explained the process AGAIN! Kiss of death.

Emily likes in Charlotte NC with her daughter Little Ricki. I'm pretty sure that it says that on her birth certificate. Mr. Brad worked really hard to get Little Ricki to like him and she did warm up to him....she even drew him a picture. Shame on ABC for making us think that Little Ricki was a spoiled brat that ran to her room in anger. Brad made Mac and Cheese but then refused to kiss Emily because little Ricki was upstairs sleeping. This chivalry was a little monotonous for me. Emily made him kiss her before he left and he described her as PERFECT.

Say goodbye to Shawntel......she and Brad are not a great fit since she really can't leave the state of California. And she smells like embalming fluid.

The Nanny Cam

When we lived in Utah, we had two very nice neighborhood girls that watched the kids from time to time when we needed a date night.

This particular night we were celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary with friends in a town an hour away. I was really nervous about driving so far away but I also knew that our babysitters where nice Mormon girls and one of their mothers could be called in an emergency.

I used Photobooth a lot back then to record the kids dancing and talking. I opened this application one day and was shocked to see a stranger's face looking back at me. It was MY living room...but someone's face.

I pushed play....



The girls had been playing with my computer and recorded this short video.

We didn't even know we had a Nanny Cam!

Haiku Friday: Apps for the Amish

For some reason...iKeith started growing this on his face a couple weeks ago. I asked him if he was going to grow this beard thing until Double Encore releases another app.

I've joked about him looking Amish on twitter and the one day when he wore a plaid shirt to work he looked like an Amish lumberjack!

My friend Christine (who I told you about last week) asked me on Facebook if he was making Apps for the Amish....wait, how would that work?

I've been looking for barns for him to raise....

A WOW Widow No More!

A few months after Keith and I bought our first house, World of Warcraft came out and we started playing it. It was that thing that we did together and I think it really bonded us.

I became addicted to playing it and even made a playlist of songs that I'd listen to when I was playing. In my spare time, I'd gather flowers because I was an herbalist and I sold my potions on the WOW ebay.

I made lots of gold.

I loved doing quests and earning new outfits for my character! It had all of the elements of life that I love! Spending time with my husband, traveling, completing tasks and getting new clothes and trinkets.

Then my son was born and I didn't want to play anymore. All I wanted to do was gaze into his beautiful face 24/7. iKeith continued to play and even recruited his brother and mom to play with him.

I became a WOW Widow!

Last weekend, iKeith convinced me to play again. I have a little more free time these days (the kids play so well together and don't want me cleaning up playing with their toys) so I agreed.

My new character is a Worgen Druid and she's a bad ass!  Her name is JuliaChild and Mallory helped me name her.

So far, I've discovered a few problems with playing this game again.

1. I want to snack while playing. 

2. I want to drink beer while playing.

3. I can't twitter while playing

4. It's a huge time suck.

5. I forget to feed the children while playing. 

I solved the twitter problem by setting my iPad up next to my computer.  Now I can keep up with the World of Connie while I'm playing.

iKeith is so happy! 

Wordless Wednesday: Target

Coming to Belmar...March 6th!

The Bachelor Brad: Breaking All The Rules!

This week Brad takes the ladies to the beautiful island of Anguilla!

Dear ABC....I'm over the helicopter dates and to be honest with you, I hate group dates too.  Just show more of the girls fighting in the house.  If someone isn't talking in the limo...I don't need to see them curl into a ball and stare catatonically into the camera. Dates with ladies that have kids should involve watching Disney movies 10 times in a row and holding sticky suckers for 30 minutes.

Dear Emily...no offense...but I wouldn't bring you on a deserted island with me. You're cute and stuff but something tells me that you'd be no help building shelters and unlocking the hatch.  Also, Brad doesn't plan these dates or schedule the helicopters.  ABC does it.  I don't blame you for holding off on Brad meeting your daughter but if you want to win Brad to pick you...you're going to have to.  Aren't you the lucky one...Brad's breaking the rules for you!

Dear Shawntel....I love that your perfect date involves bike riding to a farmers market and then drinking wine while sitting in baby goat poop!  I guess this makes sense since you talk about embalming people while watching fireworks.  Your date seemed the least forced and most real.  Could have been the lack of helicopter.

Dear Ashley...WOW...you looked amazing in the photo shoot even though they had to cover your lack of boobs with seashells.  Your whininess is really wearing on me.  If you don't stop...I'm going to have to let you go.  Oh wait....

Dear Chantal...does ABC provide a free buffet or something?  Your swimsuit is looking a little tight! Maybe Britt can cook for you. Please for the love of god!  Stop telling Brad to send you home!  STOP!! And stop crying.  I'm getting drunk with my little drinking game because of all of your crying.

Dear Brad...You are in a really tough place.  To be honest with you?  I don't know why people do this show.  It's pure torture!  I think you handled things well and are showing some real maturity. 

Dear Britt....look out for Michelle...she wants to sink your yacht! Your date wasn't as romantic as it could have been.  Jumping to your death from a rock is not very sexy and when you plug your nose as you fall into the water....you just look like a 5 year old.  Speaking of 5 year olds...eat much?  I'm having trouble believing that you're a chef/food writer because it looks like you haven't eaten in years.  Sorry things didn't work out and you had to ride in the dingy of shame.*

Dear Michelle....you are so rude!  Of course Brad and Britt will friend each other on Facebook!.  That's what FB is for...old friends, people you dated and co-workers.  REAL friends are on twitter.  DUH!  I know exactly why you didn't remove your top.  You have the veiny boobs of a MOM!  You didn't want Brad to see them and be grossed out.  I knew that you where going home when Brad described you as volatile and didn't ask if he could meet your daughter.  Also, you don't act like a Mom...so he likely forgot you had a kid by now.  P.S. You scare the heck out of me!


*dingy of shame via Jen Lancaster on Twitter!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day!

I made a iMovie for iKeith.  You can see it here if you'd like.  It's our love story...

They Are The Lucky One's

My new favorite recording artist Ian Axel, released a new album last week. I've been listening to it non stop and each day he's been explaining how he came to write each song. You may remember that I first heard Ian's music when he played the Double Encore fall release party! He's amazing!

Yesterday he explained We Are. It was exactly what I needed to hear and inspired this iMovie.

My kids are the lucky one's because they have parents that want to be involved in their education and will move heaven and earth to make sure that they have what they need.

Alex and Mallory....I won't let you down.

Haiku Friday: Boy

The Mom I Want To Be

We got the first phone call two weeks ago.

2nd choice school informed me that we're number 37 on the waiting list.  And that they were not accepting any students that didn't have a sibling already attending the school.

I was really disappointed because secretly...this was my favorite school.  I sat in the parking lot of open enrollment day watching Mom's drop off their kids and I could picture dropping my own kids off there.  I got a good feeling about that place when I walked in the door.

Oh well.

3rd choice called this week.  We're number 35 with 10 spots available.  That's okay.  This school is farther away and really small.  It'd be a pain to get to everyday.

And I wait...for our 1st choice school to call.   This is the school with perfect scores and all students are picked by lottery.  This is the school that future presidents will attend.  It's top notch.

I've been waiting for 2.5 weeks for them to call and tell me what our number is.  A parent that I ran into the day that I turned in our application told me if I got a number over 40 our chances weren't good.  But they haven't even called me with a number.

Suddenly, they are the boy I dated in high school that said...i like you and I'll give you a call.  And I waited and dreamed about how great it would be when he'd call and we'd be together.  We'd have a beautiful wedding, live in a mansion and raise 2.5 awesome kids.  If he'd just call.  I've driven past the school and visualized dropping my kids off there and how much they will learn and how bright their futures will be.

Yes, I'm stalking a school.

I wrote the above paragraphs yesterday....and then decided that I couldn't wait and I called the school.  They told me I'd be getting a letter in the mail next week with our number.  I was confused so I chatted with my friend JoAnn on twitter and discovered that this means we didn't get a spot.  We've been wait listed. UPDATE: The Charter School hasn't chosen spots yet!  We got the letter....we're NUMBER ONE!

Crap.

*****

I don't know how Christina and I came to know each other.  She might have followed one of my witty comments from another blog or it could have been just a random accident.  Christina has been an awesome commenter and friend.  We have so much in common and she's just a lovely person.

There have been many, many snow days all over the country.  A collective moan was heard from twitter and facebook as Mom's everywhere had to deal with their kids being home from school AND trapped in the house.

Christina blew me away.  She was excited that her kids would be home and promptly whipped up overnight waffle dough for the next day!  The day after that...she and her entire neighborhood went sledding.  There was mulled wine and hot cocoa.   Not only do I want to BE Christina...I also want to move to her neighborhood!

I've given a lot of thought about the Mom I want to be when my kids start school.  I want to be involved in their classrooms, be able to help with homework (lord help me), be active in the PTA and not dread my kids being home.  I'm guessing this will become even more important since Alex will be attending a less successful school.

I started something new in 2011.  It's a simple change of words that has helped my attitude so much!  Instead of i HAVE TO (insert chore here)....I say i GET TO (insert chore here).  I'm blessed....I know this.  I embrace the ordinary in my life and that makes it extraordinary!

I get to be the best Mom I can be...and Christina is my role model!

Yesterday....I GOT TO teach my daughter how to read.  What started out as a sad day with me crying about lost opportunities...ended with joy and excitement as she learned something amazing.  Something that I taught her.

I realized that everything's going to be just fine....

Wordless Wednesday: Tampons for Vegans

also available outside of Boulder

The Bachelor Brad: Look Out for Attack Monkeys

This week...Brad takes the ladies to Costa Rica!

Dear ABC... Why oh why...did Chantal get a one on one date already when Britt hasn't had one yet?  Also...a note for next time.  Tall girls need tall horses. 

Dear Chantal O.....I'm not sure how you got so lucky getting another date...but good for you!  You handled the zipline really well. You got pretty lucky with the rain.  I just have one question.  Did you request the white button down or did Brad just decide that would fit you? Based on Brad (and iKeith's) reaction...I will only be wearing white button down shirts in the evening.  Look out for a gang of monkeys.  P.S. Pebbles called and she wants her dress back.

Dear Britt....again....where were you this week.  I'm bummed you didn't get a date.

Dear  Michelle....I think it's time to get your eyes checked.  You're having trouble seeing anyone else but yourself with Brad...but that seems kind of short-sighted since you're driving the man crazy and I'm sure he can't see himself with you.  You're time is better spent braiding everyone's hair and training monkeys.  P.S. You are such a liar!!  And to answer your question.  Yes.  You are crazy.

Dear Emily...I'd advice you to find better hiding places in the lodge where you are staying.  Michelle will complain to whomever she can find.  It seems like all of this time on your hands is giving you time to think about your future and I'm happy to see that you're learning from your mistakes.  See if ABC will let you use Brad's therapist.

Dear Shawntel...Your silent game was cute and a nice way to distract Brad from his troubles.  Thanks for being normal.

Dear Ashley...it was nice to see that you learned your lesson from last week and decided to be mute this week.  Nice job.

Dear Alli...your bug aversion is a little dramatic.  You should have sucked it up and acted like a tough girl.  It's pretty obvious that Brad wants a girl that can hang....or he wouldn't have brought you all to the jungle. Your dinner date on the sand bar...was sinking.  Literally and figuratively.  Good Luck!

Dear Jackie...toughen up woman!  Sorry Brad didn't keep you...but he needs an adventurous woman that doesn't make him feel guilty.  Good Luck!
Dear Brad...It kind of seemed like you were trying to get out of ziplinning because of a little rain.  WHA! It was kind of cute how worked up you got when you saw Chantal in your shirt.  What were you smoking when you made a pact to NEVER repel without Michelle.  I don't think I've ever seen a man bring candles on a date.

Next week: Anguilla!

Super Bowl

I was going to write a post about what I learned from the Super Bowl this year.  I wrote it in my head at 3am when I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep but then I did and woke up crabby.

I was going to write about the 4 different beers that iKeith and I shared that are a part of the 5280 magazine 6 pack.  My favorite of the 4 was a Milk Stout.  But in the 3rd quarter I got a migraine and we didn't finish the beers.  Maybe tonight during The Bachelor....

I was going to talk about my favorite commercials...because I took notes.  My two favorites are the finger sucking Dorito commercial even though it's kind of gross and the Teleflora commercial even though folks on twitter (that probably live in Boulder*) thought it was sexist.



I was going to talk about how I learned that I don't know much about world suffering because I didn't know to be offended by the Groupon commercial until I found out that I should on twitter.

I know that I love GLEE and I couldn't wait for it to come on and now I think I want to own a Chevy but iKeith said No.

And now I think I'm going to go back to bed....because I think I need a day off.

*Yesterday, people that live in Boulder (but not my friend Denise) unfollowed me on twitter in record numbers.  Probably because I am too awesome for them and they couldn't take it. Yeah...that's what happened.

Go Packers!

I tried this cheesehat on when we were on vacation in Wisconsin...and iKeith wouldn't let me buy it.  Sure would have come in handy today.

Who are you cheering for today?

Friday Haiku

The One About The Markers

Describe the last thing that made you laugh really hard.

iKeith has been working late...testing a new app that he's working on.. Monday nights, I watch The Bachelor and take notes for my Tuesday morning blog post.

Usually...iKeith is home to take over and I'm able to hear half of what's going on in the show because of the rough housing and laughter that occurs when Daddy gets home. Daddy tells the kids that Mommy is working. Love that man!

I desperately need a TV in the bedroom so I can work in peace.

So...I was working (ahem) and the kids were playing nicely in their rooms (i thought).  Daddy comes home and tries to go greet the kids.  The door is locked.  He yells at them to open the door this instant or else....and when he does.  We find this.

Please notice the great attention to detail on the nipples and belly button.  There is more attention to detail but it's under the hearts.  When I was editing this picture...Alex said, 'Oh look Mommy...I have a heart on'!

Yes you do honey.  Yes you do.

I wonder how Kate Gosselin would have handled this?  I laughed my @ss off!

But not in front of the children....

Wordless Wednesday

Can you guess what this is?

The Bachelor Brad: Are You Lonesome Tonight?

This week the ladies and Brad packed up and moved the show to Las Vegas...to the Aria hotel which I've never heard of.  I love how The Bachelor ends up being a 2 hour commercial for a location.  Here is the Sky Villa that the ladies stayed in.  It's pretty amazing!

Dear ABC....please don't have a clue for a date like Let's End Tonight With A Bang...and then give it away during the commercial with a teaser showing fireworks.  I really wanted to believe that Michelle was going to walk in on the date with a gun and shoot Shawntel.  Also, shame on you for putting Emily through that racetrack date and making Brad feel like an asshole.  The viewers...don't like recycled dates.  Please wait at least a couple season before having a broadway musical date.  Ashley against Ashley was just mean.  Their bond is likely broken now. Also..if I'd had tickets to this show and then found out it was Cirque Du Ashley...I'd have been pissed!


Dear Shawtel...Some of the items you picked out on your shopping spree...we're ugly.  I did love how you rubbed your shopping spree in everyone's face when you went back to get ready for dinner. Good on you for making Michelle want to kill herself.  I figure you've at least been on a few dates in your life because you are kind of cute so I can't figure out how explaining the embalming process to your date while you ate your dinner is ever a good idea. 

Dear Michelle...you scare the heck out of me and if we were friends I'd keep my doors locked. You are so aggressive with Brad that I think he's scared to send you home.  Yes, please hang yourself with your scarf.

Dear Alli....There are still a few episodes left.  You still have a chance to go on a date with Brad.  Calm down and stop crying.

Dear Chantal O....RELAX.  Remember the other day when Brad said he likes that you aren't needy?  Stop being needy!  This IS the Emily show...by the way, so get used to it.

Dear Emily...You are smart and beautiful.  WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THIS SHOW???  Did someone bet you to do it?  Do you need the money?  Do you want to be an actress when you grow up? I feel really badly that you had to endur the race track date but I think you handled it so well.  And maybe you got some closure.

Dear Ashley H....Ever since last week when you made a spectacle of yourself on the group date...you don't seem attractive to me anymore.  You irritate me.

Dear Britt...where were you this week.  I missed you!

Dear Jackie...I thought you were going home this week.  You and Britt must have been at the spa together all week.

Dear Brad...My favorite thing that came out of your mouth during this episode was Put It On The Counter!  I would have preferred Let's Get It, or Charge it to ABC but it was still great!  Also, purple is not your color honey.  I'm impressed that you find funeral directors hot but your nervous laughter was too much for me.  I was happy with how you handled the race track date and I'm sorry that ABC didn't disclose important info about Emily. I thought you looked HOT in the soldier outfit at the Viva Elvis show...nice package.


To The departed:

Dear Ashley S...I think part of your problem is that you talk like a baby.  It might be because you are a Nanny but men don't want to be Nannied.  I believe you will make an extraordinary wife someday. Good Luck.

Dear Marissa...thinking you might have been a filler on this show.  Good Luck.

Dear Lisa...I don't remember ever hearing you speak.  Good Luck.