The Circle of Trust: A Squirrel Story

Originally posted April 15th 2011.  This post brought my fear of squirrels out into the open.  Friends and strangers started sending squirrel related items to me and after a few months of therapy, I think I'm finally okay again. 

SQUIRREL!

Nevermind.


Have I ever told you why I hate the movie UP?  It's not because that poor little boy is gone for days and no one appears to care where he is, or because I don't like old people.

It's because of that dog.  The one that says SQUIRREL all the time.

It scares the crap out of me.....because I have issues with squirrels.  I know what you're thinking....what doesn't Connie have issues with and does iKeith take medication to deal with it all.  The answer is no, he doesn't but his eyes may stay rolled up inside his head if he doesn't stop rolling them at me.

I've been thinking about sharing this story with you for a long time because I feel like it's one of those *little-known secrets* about me.

It started back in 1997.  I was living in a cute little blue house near the University of Northern Colorado.  Our backyard had beautiful 100-year-old oak trees that provided the most amazing shade.  One day I walked around the corner in my kitchen and there on the counter was a squirrel helping himself to a loaf of bread.

I crapped my pants. 

This went on for the entire summer.  I was terrified to walk into my kitchen and lost 25 pounds.  I moved soon after that....to the country but we don't have problems with squirrels in the country.

Have I told you how much I LOVE coyotes?

In 2002, I lived in Denver and part of my job at a collection agency was to go to the bank every day with our deposits. Rain or shine....I drove to the bank.

One day I came out of the bank and before I reached the doors to the outside....I saw a squirrel standing on the trash can just beyond the door.  He was blocking me from leaving the bank and he was giving me the evil eye.  I was held hostage in a bank vestibule!  Finally, another customer walked up and scared him away.  I might have kissed that guy.  On the lips.

In 2004, iKeith and I bought our first house and it had a big beautiful yard that backed up to an even bigger park.  We had 20 trees in our yard....apple, cherry and a bunch of really old pine trees.  I spent that entire first summer weeding and planting because we were getting married in our back yard soon.

It wasn't long before the assaults started.  First, they were verbal.  Chattering at me and jumping from tree to tree while I did my work.

Next, they ate my sunflowers and dug up my bulbs.

The final straw was when they started throwing pine cones at my head.

We tell people that we sold that house and moved to Utah for a job....but the truth is that we were ran out of town by the squirrels and I had to join the Squirrel Protection Program.

I bet you didn't know their aren't squirrels in Ogden Utah....did you?

This morning, I opened the door to the laundry room and found a squirrel standing there. I may not be the smartest person, but I know that squirrels don't have laundry.  I've already been having laundry issues because the stupid girl that lives next to me highjacked the washer and dryer the other day so I've been putting it off for almost two weeks.

Now I can never do laundry again.

And I have to move.

SQUIRREL UPDATES:

Friday....
10:35am Mick the Squirrel Hunter Maintenance Man was just here to inform me that he's been fighting with this squirrel for a few days. Apparently, it chased my favorite neighbor Don's wife Dawn out of the laundry room yesterday.  He's removing the dryer because he suspects that our squirrel is a girl and she's got babies in the wall.  I die. Also, the laundry room is covered in POOP!

12:15pm No more news from Mick The Squirrel Hunter, so I've decided to seal the doors and windows with plastic  because we have lots of nuts in the house. Macadamia Nuts.  We're now like the boy in the bubble.

1:43pm Looking outside for Mick The Lazy Squirrel Hunter, I noticed a small squirrel trying to break into my SUV.  If I hadn't sealed the windows and doors...I would have tossed him my keys.

5:37pm Too nervous to cook so iKeith has offered to take me out to dinner. I wish he'd offer to do the laundry.....

8:30pm I'm drunk and I'm ready to physically fight the squirrels.

Sunday...

12:14pm  I haven't heard back from Mick...but word on the street is that there is a family of squirrels living in the wall of the laundry room and Mick can't figure out how they are getting in.  I was told that a man is coming to spray something that will smell bad and repel the squirrels.

In other news....I think the squirrels have a summer home in my roof.

I did my laundry at a scary dirty laundry mat today and I swore to never return.  I'd rather just buy new clothes every week. There were people in my personal space, people that didn't own laundry baskets and people who might have been carrying around large quantities of drugs in baggies. Oh, and there was a dog there.  By the way, if you have your first name embroidered on your sweatshirt Barb.  It makes it a lot easier for me to cuss you by name in my head (and my blog).  Barb.

Monday...

9:11am Just talked to Mick. The fox urine bomb was dropped on Saturday morning which explains why the squirrels were terrorizing me that day. He also shot and killed four of them in the laundry room on Friday night. My laundry room is now a crime scene.

I informed Mick of my suspicions that they might be moving to the roof and he's coming over with a flood light later because the attic access is in my apartment.  Awesome.

I'm off to google what it takes to make a fox a pet.

12:55pm  Mick the Squirrel Killer hasn't shown up yet.  Also, according to google, Foxes don't make good pets.

Wednesday....

3:07pm  Heard noise outside so I went to check it out and found this.

That's Mick and his son attempting to patch a hole in the building in the continuing squirrel saga.  He assures me that this will stop them.  He also informed me that the fox urine did nothing. Soooo glad I didn't buy a pet fox.

Mick believes that this is where they are getting in.  Let's hope he's right.

Friday....

12:54pm  It would appear that Mick's Fix didn't work because he's given up and is just letting the squirrels come and go as they damn well please.

This door is normally locked and only residents of my apartment have access. Why didn't he just make the squirrels their own key? I walked over to the office to talk about the possibility of waiving my penalty for moving before my lease has expired and the office is closed until Monday.

Something tells me they knew I was coming.

Sunday....

11:00am  I think I know why the door was propped open all day Friday.

THE SMELL!!

I decided to face my fear and do laundry yesterday.  It was scary and I felt my throat closing as I headed down the stairs....but it wasn't because of my fear.  It was because there was a smell down there that was making it hard to breathe.

The Finale: 

Our basement was completely gutted, sealed and rebuilt.  The Squirrels had been living in the walls for years and created an unsanitary environment.

Mick was issued a summons by the Lakewood Police Dept when one of my neighbors reported that he had discharged a firearm outside of the apartment.

We have been squirrel free for two years! 

It's Not So Bad

Today, is the 2 year anniversary of our family returning to Denver from our hardship tour in Utah.

It's been a great two years and we're so pleased with how things are going.  The kids are happy, we're all healthy and we love being in our hometown!

The thing I didn't see coming was that we'd still be in this apartment.  The day we moved in....I swore we'd get out as soon as humanly possible.  That time hasn't come.

There are really only a few minor inconveniences at this point and we love our low rent because it allows us to travel more.  Did I tell you that we're going to Universal Orlando and Animal Kingdom in November?  We also love the location near a lake,  nearness to our favorite restaurants and shopping and the swimming pool outside our door!

You'll be happy to know that the squirrel population has declined greatly.

Every year since we've moved back, I've taken a picture of the kids at Belmar Park.  I love this tradition!  Look how much they've changed.

Roll In The New Year....Late

If I left you hanging about the status of our lease on our apartment....I'm sorry.

We took a hard look at our finances, looked at houses for rent in the area and decided to stay for at least another year.

I was devastated!

As you know, everything happens for a reason and I know this is where God wants us to be. A week after we made that decision, we discovered that Alex may need to repeat Kindergarten. Full day Kindergarten which would cost us around $300 a month.

The good news is that we got a few things upgraded! We got a new toilet and burner pans for my stove. WHOOOO HOOOOO!

I also realized that this apartment complex gives me blog fodder once in a while and I'd miss that.

Two weeks ago, on January 31....there was a knock at the door. I looked through the peep hole and spied an old lady. She looked harmless so I opened the door. It was one of the church ladies that has adopted our complex and she had something for me.

She wants me to bring the kids to craft day in the clubhouse!  

I thought the concept for delivery of the note was very clever but also a few weeks late.

I was also ousted as the Mayor of my complex a few days ago.

And now I've made it my personal misson to oust Snoop Dog and become The Mayor again. 

Bummer

source

I'm really bummed.

The DirecTV guy was just here to install my dish but he can't because my stupid apartment faces the wrong direction. I told the salesman at Best Buy that this was going to happen and he said that they could make it work.

Now, I have to listen to my son cry when he gets home from school because we won't have Nick Jr like I told him we would.

MAN!! I wish I could move.....

They Can't Stop Me!

There has been a resolution to Mattressgate! Click here for the update. 

Remember a while back when I found out that I wasn't allowed to grill on my patio anymore?

I just found a solution to that problem.

The Hot-Pot BBQ. It looks like a plant...but it's also a hidden BBQ.

If you are interested in Letterboxing...go read the article I wrote for R We There Yet Mom? 

I know you want to read a funny post from Vivienne at The V Spot about how NOT to set up a buffet at your next potluck. I might have given her some pictures to use for her post.

Speechless Thursday

From my June Apartment Newsletter...

What is that?

A stack of rocks?   Or Weinergate?

Scenes From an Apartment: The Newsletter

I got the May installment of my apartment complex newsletter today and there was so much great information in it that I thought I should share it with you.

Highlights:

• Happy Mother's Day!
• If you smoke (DON) please, please don't leave your still smoldering butts on the ground.  They are unsightly to Connie other residents and are a fire hazard.
• All children must stop throwing rocks at other children.
• All children must stop fighting with other children.  The cops will be called.  
• All children must stay out of the uncovered pool while they work on it. 
• All children must stop vandalizing the candy machine.
• Please (DON) stop smoking in the playground area and starting small fires in the wood chips.
• Please stop feeding the squirrels.  They have been damaging the property and causing inconvenience to Connie some of our residents. THE HELL YOU SAY!
• It is against West Metro Fire rules to operate a BBQ on your patio.  You must remove all propane tanks immediately and store them off the premise.
• The community yard sale will be May 21-22.  

Soooo....I started looking for a new apartment this afternoon. The final straw....no grilling on my patio. I grill at least twice a week. AND I just bought some really awesome kabob skewers at Sur La Table.

The good news is that there wasn't ANY mention of dog poop this time.

The Circle of Trust: A Squirrel Story.

SQUIRREL UPDATES:

Friday....
10:35am Mick the Squirrel Hunter Maintenance Man was just here to inform me that he's been fighting with this squirrel for a few days. Apparently, it chased my favorite neighbor Don's wife Dawn out of the laundry room yesterday.  He's removing the dryer because he suspects that our squirrel is a girrl and she's got babies in the wall.  I die. Also, laundry room is covered in POOP!

12:15pm No more news from Mick The Squirrel Hunter, so I've decided to seal the doors and windows with plastic  because we have lots of nuts in the house. Macadamia Nuts.  We're now like the boy in the bubble.

1:43pm Looking outside for Mick The Lazy Squirrel Hunter, I noticed a small squirrel trying to break into my SUV.  If I hadn't sealed the windows and doors...I would have tossed him my keys.

5:37pm Too nervous to cook so iKeith has offered to take me out to dinner. I wish he'd offer to do the laundry.....

8:30pm I'm drunk and I'm ready to physically fight the squirrels.

Sunday...

12:14pm  I haven't heard back from Mick...but word on the street is that there is a family of squirrels living in the wall of the laundry room and Mick can't figure out how they are getting in.  I was told that a man is coming to spray something that will smell badly and repel the squirrels.

In other news....I think the squirrels have a summer home in my roof.

I did my laundry at a scary dirty laundry mat today and I swore to never return.  I'd rather just buy new clothes every week. There were people in my personal space, people that didn't own laundry baskets and people who might have been carrying around large quantities of drugs in baggies. Oh, and there was a dog there.  By the way, if you have your first name embroidered on your sweatshirt, Barb.  It makes it a lot easier for me to cuss you by name in my head (and my blog).  Barb.



Monday...
9:11am Just talked to Mick. The fox urine bomb was dropped on Saturday morning which explains why the squirrels were terrorizing me that day. He also shot and killed four of them in the laundry room on Friday night. My laundry room is now a crime scene. Click HERE for the song of the day.

I informed Mick of my suspicions that they might be moving to the roof and he's coming over with a flood light later because the attic access is in my apartment.  Awesome.

I'm off to google what it takes to make a fox a pet.

12:55pm  Mick the Squirrel Killer hasn't shown up yet.  Also, according to google, Foxes don't make good pets.

Wednesday....
3:07pm  Heard noise outside so I went to check it out and found this.

That's Mick and his son attempting to patch a hole in the building in the continuing squirrel saga.  He assures me that this will stop them.  He also informed me that the fox urine did nothing. Soooo glad I didn't buy a pet fox.

Mick believes that this is where they are getting in.  Let's hope he's right.

In other news...I believe that the squirrels are retaliating against me and threw laundry soap at my vehicle.  Keith still thinks I'm crazy.

Friday....
12:54pm  It would appear that Mick's Fix didn't work because he's given up and is just letting the squirrels come and go as they damn well please.

This door is normally locked and only residents of my apartment have access. Why didn't he just make the squirrels their own key? I walked over to the office to talk about them waiving my penalty for moving before my lease has expired and the office is closed until Monday.

Something tells me they knew I was coming.

Sunday....

11:00am  I think I know why the door was propped open all day Friday.

THE SMELL!!

I decided to face my fear and do laundry yesterday.  I even recorded my adventure.  It was scary and I felt my throat closing as I headed down the stairs....but it wasn't because of my fear.  It was because there was a smell down there that was making it hard to breath.

Tuesday....
9:19am  Saw this Honda Commercial last night and decided it would be fun to get a pet fox.  Look how cute and well behaved it is!

*****************************************************

Have I ever told you why I hate the movie UP?  It's not because that poor little boy is gone for days and no one appears to care where he is, or because I don't like old people.

It's because of that dog.  The one that says SQUIRREL all the time.

It scares the crap out of me.....because I have issues with squirrels.  I know what you're thinking....what doesn't Connie have issues with and does iKeith take medication to deal with it all.  The answer is no, he doesn't but his eyes may stay rolled up inside his head if he doesn't stop rolling them at me.

I've been thinking about sharing this story with you for a long time because I feel like it's one of those *little known secrets* about me.

It started back in 1997.  I was living in a cute little blue house near the University of Northern Colorado.  Our backyard had beautiful 100 year old oak trees that provided the most amazing shade.  One day I walked around the corner in my kitchen and there on the counter was a squirrel helping himself to a loaf of bread.

I crapped my pants. 

This went on for the entire summer.  I was terrified to walk into my kitchen and lost 25 pounds.  I moved soon after that....to the country but we don't have problems with squirrels in the country.

Have I told you how much I LOVE coyotes?

In 2002, I lived in Denver and part of my job at a collection agency was to go to the bank every day with our deposits. Rain or shine....I drove to the bank.

One day I came out of the bank and before I reached the doors to the outside....I saw a squirrel standing on the trash can just beyond the door.  He was blocking me from leaving the bank and he was giving me the evil eye.  I was held hostage in a bank vestibule!  Finally, another customer walked up and scared him away.  I might have kissed that guy.  On the lips.

In 2004, iKeith and I bought our first house and it had a big beautiful yard that backed up to a even bigger park.  We had 20 trees in our yard....apple, cherry and a bunch of really old pine trees.  I spent that entire first summer weeding and planting because we were getting married in our back yard soon.

It wasn't long before the assaults started.  First they were verbal.  Chattering at me and jumping from tree to tree while I did my work.

Next they ate my sunflowers and dug up my bulbs.

The final straw was when they started throwing pine cones at my head.

We tell people that we sold that house and moved to Utah for a job....but the truth is that we were ran out of town by the squirrels and I had to join the Squirrel Protection Program.

I bet you didn't know they don't have squirrels in Ogden Utah....did you?

This morning....I opened the door to the laundry room and found a squirrel standing there. I may not be the smartest person....but I know that squirrels don't have laundry!  I've already been having laundry issues because the stupid girl that lives next to me highjacked the washer and dryer the other day so I've been putting it off for almost two weeks.

Now I can never do laundry again.

And I have to move.

I'm sharing my squirrel with Jennifer at Momma Made It Look Easy and you can too.  Wait.  That didn't come out right.  I'm sharing my post. Yeah!

Need To Know

THIS is something I would have like to know about. The information that they would be paving the only exit out of my parking lot today very much pertains to ME...and not the info that people are taking pictures of dog poop with their cell phones. By the way, there is NOT an app for that. I checked.

My son's glasses are in and I can't go get them.

Plus, the fumes from the asphalt are choking us. I'm pissed!!

UPDATED:

We escaped the apartment and walked to Starbucks. We saw this on the way...

Poop Patrol

It was one of HUNDREDS of turds in front of one of the apartment buildings in my complex.  I think it's pretty obvious who isn't cleaning up after their dog.

We did go for a lovely walk.  It's 58 degrees today!  We didn't even wear jackets! 

Peeping Toms with Cameras

Ever so often...I get a notice on my door from the apartment management. They never apply to me...they are often directed at the people who let their young children wander the complex unattended, people who steal took home the life vests from the pool, people who junk up their patios and people who leave their stuff all over the place.

This notice made me laugh! Not only because once again...it's in all caps and missing some puncuation. But because I'm picturing my neighbors hiding behind trees while photographing dogs pooping.

What I don't understand is how this is a warning for everyone.  Unless it's a warning that my neighbors might be photographing me without my permission. In that case, please excuse me while I shut my blinds.

Foodie Subway Art and Kitchen Re-Do

You may remember that my little galley kitchen is super duper beige. I was trying to think of things to punch it up a little bit and I think I've succeeded.

Two of my favorite colors are red and turquoise....so I knew that these were the colors that I wanted to use in my kitchen re-do!  I've also been wanting to make one of these Subway Art Projects ever since I saw them on Tattertot's and Jello. By the way, if you are not familiar with Jen and her crafting magic....you need to make yourself familiar.  I made mine with a Foodie theme!  What do you think?

I also sewed some curtains for the window and just that part alone made a big difference!  

Look at this awesome fabric I found at JoAnns!  I love it so much!

Scenes from my Apartment: Kitchen

My tiny apartment kitchen....please notice that the cabinet hardware is in the MIDDLE of the doors. MIDDLE. It's ridiculous. Whoever did that work should have been fired!

Yes. I have pop tarts. Frosted Strawberry Pop tarts....they are for TOM.




Next Week...The Master Bedroom!

Apartment Tour:
The Great Room

And now Martha is sending me emails about how to make a kitchen work. I'd like to see her make this kitchen work.

Teresa Needs to Downsize

Have you seen the latest from Teresa Giudice from Real Housewives of New Jersey?  Word on the street is that she went on a $60,000 spending spree while the contents of her house is currently set to go up for auction and she and her husband are filing bankruptcy on $11 Million worth of debt.

I like Teresa.  I love watching the show, her character is over the top and extravagant, her husband is chubby and irritable and her daughters are adorable.

I'm having a really hard time watching the show lately and seeing how much money she's wasting while her house is not under foreclosure.  Maybe we don't know the whole story here but shouldn't she be cutting back a little bit and cutting some coupons?

One of the reasons that I'm sitting here writing this post in a 990 sq ft apartment is because we have debt.  We could take the easy way out....as we've been encouraged to do by iKeith's family (they are on their 2nd bankruptcy) and file for bankruptcy but we want to honor our commitments.

If that means we live with the bare minimum and live in a small apartment, then that's what we'll do.  We incurred this debt and we'll pay it off.

I'd love to see Mrs. Giudice downsizing and living within their means.....

But that doesn't make for good television now does it?

*  Those of you who are clicking on the ads.  BLESS YOUR HEARTS!  *

I love you all!  Yes, you there in your robe.  And  you...eating Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. 

I LOVE YOU! 

Scenes From My Apartment: The Great Room

My apartment is a decorators nightmare!

I've got three rooms of furniture in one long room and it feels a little too incongruous and disorderly.  What am I saying...it's completely disorderly because I have more stuff than I have room to put things.  My entertainment center is now stuffed full of toys and the desk I'm using doesn't have any drawers. But I'm making the most of it.

The Living Room

The Office

The Dining Room

The Great Room!

This picture sits above the dining room table.  iKeith won it the year that The Colorado Rockies began...he also won season tickets and didn't go to a single game.  I find it ironic that he's owned this picture since 1993 and now he works across the street from Coors Field. 

Next Week: The Kitchen!

*Bachelor Pad*

I think I'm done with that show.  The pie eating contest made me sick and I can't stand Natalie and Elizabeth.  Watching it is giving me that icky feeling from high school.  Can someone tell me what happened before the rose ceremony that made Tenley cry?  I missed that part.

My Temporary Home

My air conditioning is broken. We figured it out on moving day and on Monday I went to sign the lease and report that we had a serious problem. The manager...who I'll call Nicky said that she would send Dick the Maintenance guy over as soon as he was done cleaning the pool.

I was gone most of the day so I assumed that Dick had come to the apartment. Do you know what happens when you ASSume something? Yeah, that. It's been 90 degrees everyday...the kids are getting heat stroke and I'm getting tipsy on ice cold boxed Chardonay and getting NOTHING unpacked.


Today I went to remind Nicky about my AC and she apparently forgot. I'm starting to think she's had some kind of head injury because she didn't forget to tell me about all of the misfortune that has befallen her family. I've now learned not to talk about ANYTHING except apartment business because every time you say something she follows it with 'That's like this one time'.  Talking about traffic leads to a conversation about how her husband lost his leg and her son was in a coma. She also doesn't have any upper teeth and I have a hard time understanding her.


This is our 5th day in our new apartment and I think I'm finally ready to talk about it.  Downsizing has been surprisingly hard.  I say that because I've lived in worse places than this...I've lived in a 100 year old farm house and the well broke for 6 weeks.  I've had it worse!


Maybe it's because I now have children and had I looked at this place myself...I would have NOT rented it.  It's old and it's cheap.  As they say...you get what you pay for.  I miss my beautiful house and large kitchen and I'd love to go to sleep without the sound of someone's bass pounding through my wall. I'd give anything to see Brother Horton at my door....


The day that we arrived...we almost hit a 10 year old girl that was riding her bike and texting.  Yesterday I saw a 2 year old wandering the sidewalk alone and a mother driving with kids NOT in seat belts.  I'd take the kids to the pool but I've seen those people and I really don't want my kids to breath cigarette smoke while they are playing in the pool, plus according to the newsletter I got today...one of those A-holes stole one of the life jackets that was donated by the fire department.  And if they will just please return it, no one will say a word. The good news is that if I did go to the pool...I'd be the skinny one. Just sayin.


Speaking of the newsletter....it was a wealth of information.  I found out the pool code, that the landscapers come on Tuesday (but they were a day late and mowed the grass today) and that someone has been using the trash can in the laundry room as a restroom.  Oh...and they just installed a recycling container on the property.  This was good news to me because I was about to try to find somewhere to take my items.  Here is a list of items that they will not except:

• Plastic Bags
• Plastic Tops
• Needles and Syringes
• 6 pack holders
• Light Bulbs 
• Boxes of Wine 
• Plastic Microwave Trays 
• Stickers
• To Go Containers

The good news is that all of their beer cans, vodka bottles and milk cartons can absolutely be recycled!

I know it sounds like I'm complaining and maybe I am...just a little bit.  I'm trying to look at the bright side...which is that iKeith loves his new job and this is not forever.  This is our temporary home...

I just saw Dooce's post about her new house...and I think her office is as big as my entire apartment.




Disclaimer: The opinions and thoughts of Connie are not necessarily the opinions and thoughts of iKeith. Also...this post is brought to you by Franzia but they did not contribute to the livelihood or bank account of Connie. Only to her happiness.