I have skin cancer.
I left the office and called my husband from the parking lot and I broke down. How could I have waited so long to have this checked? I racked my brain to think of how long it has actually been there and it's been at least 2 years...and it's grown. I spent the day trying not to think about it but the word cancer kept creeping into my thoughts. And of course I googled skin cancer which was a bad idea. I won't know anything for three weeks (sooner if it's REALLY bad) so I'm going to try not to worry...but it's hard.
In the back on my mind I knew this day was coming. I grew up being taught to suntan with baby oil and we never used sunscreen when we were out on the boat. As an adult, I had what they call Tanarexia....I frequented the tanning salon several days a week and bought lotions to make me darker! I'm happy to say that I haven't done any of that in six years but the damage has been done.
A few months ago I did a post called What I'm Afraid of....because of a blogging friend's son that was diagnosed with cancer. That is still my biggest fear...losing my children, and living my life without them. But yesterday, a new fear was born.....
The thought of something happening to me and my family having to go on without me is unbearable. I feel like an asshat for not taking better care of myself and allowing this to happen. There is so much I'm excited about and want to teach my kids and I know their lifes would be altered horribly without me here. I can't imagine Alex going off to college without me getting him ready and sending him care packages and how would Mallory ever be able to get married without me there to help her on her wedding day?
And Calvin. The poor guy doesn't even know where we keep the hammer for crying out loud? How would he function without me? In my mind's eye....we are growing old together and we are playing with our grandchildren....at a nursing home but still.....
Dear Baby Jesus,Please, please don't let this be bad. My family needs me. I promise to always wear sunscreen and finally lose this 40 pounds. AND I'll cut back on the wine. Just please let this not be serious.Thanks,Connie
This post is in response to MamaKat's writing prompt.