Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Not just afraid...I'm scared!

As part of my attempt to take better care of myself I made an appointment to see a Dermatologist to have all of my moles inspected. (they all checked out fine) While I was there I was going to have her look at this spot on my face that I've had for a couple years that is like a dry patch that will never go away no matter how much lotion I put on it. The worried look on her face as she examined it sent chills down my back. She told me that she would be taking a biopsy of it to *see how bad it is*.

I have skin cancer.

I left the office and called my husband from the parking lot and I broke down. How could I have waited so long to have this checked? I racked my brain to think of how long it has actually been there and it's been at least 2 years...and it's grown. I spent the day trying not to think about it but the word cancer kept creeping into my thoughts. And of course I googled skin cancer which was a bad idea. I won't know anything for three weeks (sooner if it's REALLY bad) so I'm going to try not to worry...but it's hard.

In the back on my mind I knew this day was coming. I grew up being taught to suntan with baby oil and we never used sunscreen when we were out on the boat. As an adult, I had what they call Tanarexia....I frequented the tanning salon several days a week and bought lotions to make me darker! I'm happy to say that I haven't done any of that in six years but the damage has been done.

A few months ago I did a post called What I'm Afraid of....because of a blogging friend's son that was diagnosed with cancer. That is still my biggest fear...losing my children, and living my life without them. But yesterday, a new fear was born.....

The thought of something happening to me and my family having to go on without me is unbearable. I feel like an asshat for not taking better care of myself and allowing this to happen. There is so much I'm excited about and want to teach my kids and I know their lifes would be altered horribly without me here. I can't imagine Alex going off to college without me getting him ready and sending him care packages and how would Mallory ever be able to get married without me there to help her on her wedding day?

And Calvin. The poor guy doesn't even know where we keep the hammer for crying out loud? How would he function without me? In my mind's eye....we are growing old together and we are playing with our grandchildren....at a nursing home but still.....

Dear Baby Jesus,

Please, please don't let this be bad. My family needs me. I promise to always wear sunscreen and finally lose this 40 pounds. AND I'll cut back on the wine. Just please let this not be serious.

Thanks,

Connie

This post is in response to MamaKat's writing prompt.

31 comments:

  1. That's scary for sure. Good luck with it and I will send a prayer your way.

    Please pray for my daycare kiddo Lexi who was diagnosed last week with neuroblastoma.

    http://lovemy2dogs.blogspot.com

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  2. In my job I have just enough medical info to make me dangerous. What you had removed sounds a lot like basil cell carcinoma which sounds scary but really is no big deal. My mom and mother in law have both had to have it removed...my mom just had to go back for rechecks, my MIL had to use a cream for a little bit. It is common on the face. I know it is hard not to but please try not to worry!!! Let us know when you hear something

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  3. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, my friend! In times like these I wish I had "words of wisdom" but unfortunately I don't. But I am great with the cyber hugs, I promise!!!

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  4. Shit! What Cammie says sounds pretty reasonable. My FIL is constantly having little cancerous spots taken off of his face. For years, and everything is OK. He's 78.
    It will be OK for you. I'll pray too.

    (Is this a bad time to tell you I posted an award for you...?)

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  5. I sent you an email. (((HUGS)))

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  6. Oh Connie, I am praying for you. Three weeks is a long time to wait!!! I am sure Cammie is right. I have all these moles that I need to get checked out and keep putting it off (a big fear of mine as well). I know they can't do much while I am pregnant but I have to suck it up and go and get them checked out. I think you finally scared me into it. Try to stay positive!!!

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  7. Oh sweet friend!!! I am praying right now that this is nothing and the best thing to come out of it is PREVeNTION for you and many others you tell your scare to.

    Try to relax (as if!)

    ~Becca

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  8. Praying for you my friend - and try not to worry until you have something concrete to worry about - and no more googling skin cancer! Doesn't sound like a melanoma, so hang in there while you wait for the official diagnosis.

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  9. Oh Connie! I'm so sorry! I've had so many follow up mamograms for suspicious looking spots and my mother had breast cancer...so I know that fear well. I'll be thinking of you.

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  10. Still thinking about you Hun!! Hope this all turns out to be nothing serious, you know where I am if you need to chat....remember, I've been where you are now!! Love ya xxx

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  11. Oh Connie -
    I am thinking about you. My father in law has had many, many cancerous growths lasered off over the past ten years. He is 65 and doing great. Still, I know it is scary. I had a breast cyst and going in for that mamogram and ultrasound was terrifying. I am praying that everything will be fine.

    ((hugs))
    Jen

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  12. Oh Connie!! That will be a tough 3 weeks to wait through. The good news is many types of skin cancer are extremely treatable and curable. Hold onto that!!! Then, kick cancer's a$$!!!

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  13. Oh man, I am sure that is so scary. I'll be saying some prayers. Maybe this is why God sent Bobbi to Utah, to keep you company when you need her.

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  14. I just had a suspicious mole cut off 2 weeks ago. It was new (less than 2 yo), black (I only have ever had light freckles), and scared the bejeezus out of me. I finally worked up the lady balls to get it checked and the biopsy came back benign. WHEW!

    I, too, grew up boating, no sun block, tanned like a champ with Swedish Beauty, and am now spending my adult years wondering WHY did I do that???

    I hope everything is also benign for you, too.

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  15. Don't worry my dear sister, I'm sure everything will turn out alright.

    You know you can always count on me to help with whatever you need.

    Luv you!

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  16. Sweetheart, I just wanted to tell you that I love you and no matter what the results, I'm here for you. We will get through this together.

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  17. I can completely relate Connie, when I got sick lat year and they couldn't find the reason..right away. I was so scared, that something was going to happen to me. I used it as fuel to change my life, and make me a healthier person all around, I figured I owed that much to my kids. I hope you get good news, but even if you don't, skin cancer is the most treatable, most common cancer there is. You will be ok.

    Btw, I finally signed up to follow this blog...sorry it took me so long :)

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  18. Very scary! I hope everything turns out OK and all the worry is for nothing.

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  19. I am so sorry for you to be going through this. I will certainly keep you in my prayers.
    That is what my thing on my nose was that I had to get frozen off last month - just a "dry" spot.

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  20. to much to say to post in comments...check your r-mail...

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  21. UGH! I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. It sucks - big time. Hoping you get some answers to your questions soon.

    Hugs.

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  22. Definitely scary! That is what I went through and I now have to have surgery on the 18th...but the good news...it's not melanoma...just basal cell.
    I totally relate to the baby oil and no sunscreen!!

    Don't worry, you will be fine!!

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  23. I hate skin cancer. As a former sunburn addict (only because I couldn't tan)this is such a scary thing. But on a brighter note, my husband just had a large patch of skin cancer, that has been growing on his neck for YEARS, removed and he is doing just fine. So keep hope alive. I know many people who have had this scare, had the cancer removed and are living a healthy happy life. I bet that'll be your story too.

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  24. I'm sending you good thoughts and strength! You're going to be okay, Connie. I truly believe that.

    Chris doesn't know where the hammer is either.

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  25. I had several moles that were biopsied b/c they looked "suspicious" but in the end they were pre cancerous and I was fine. Take a deep breath. a day at a time. that is all you can do and remember we are all here for you

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  26. I've been thinking about you a lot since you twittered about this, you are in my heart and on my mind. Fingers crossed.

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  27. Connie, I know we've had our differences, but I want you to know that I care and I will hold you in my prayers. I have an aunt who's had skin cancer removed from her face at least twice and she's fine. I can't imagine how scared you must feel right now. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

    ~Annie

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  28. Connie- so sorry to hear that you got that news. Big big HUGS coming your way. I'm praying everything will be fine for you. So glad you went to the doctor and had it checked out. I think I'll make an appt for my moles. Keep us posted and once again, big HUGS.

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  29. man, that's scary for sure! you're in our prayers! i hope this turns out to be something easily resolved :) and stop googling...its never a good thing!! keep your chin up lady!

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  30. Deep breath! Cancer is SO treatable these days...you're going to be ok. I would be reacting the same way though...the things we read are scary, but have faith and stay positive!!

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  31. ok ... so i'm a wee bit behind on the reading of posts ... again.
    just wanted to let you know that i'm thinking about you ... and please let me know if there is anything that i can do to help you. anything. and if it requires hopping on a plane and flying out there ... so be it. jeremy will just have to understand. (plus ... it would be super fun)

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I love you. You are my best friend! Your hair looks fantastic today!