The Non-Mormons Guide to Utah

Originally posted on 2/22/2011.  This is one of my favorite posts and still stand behind all of it! 

I was reading a post from Dooce today about her study.

In this post I discovered that most homes in Utah have a room just off from the front door that is used for Home Study with the Mormon teacher that is assigned to come to your home and check up on you.  ie...Brother Horton.

We thought this room was a dining room but now that I have this bit of information, it makes sense that this is what it was supposed to be used for because it was painted fertile earth brown and it had french doors with no handles on it. All the better to lock Brother Horton in my dear!

Since moving back to Denver, we've had time to reflect on our Utah experience...I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner...but as a public service to all new transplants to Utah I present:

The Non-Mormons Guide to Utah

• The room near the door is not a dining room..it's a home study room. This would be a good place to visit with the missionaries you will be inundated with. Don't be a dork like me and make them stand outside in the cold. 

• The room in the basement with shelves is not a wine cellar. It's for your one year (or 3 month if your broke) supply of canned goods. A list of what you are supposed to have on hand can be found here. You can expect at least one neighbor to bring you a couple cans to get you started.

• The church at the end of your street is called a Ward. The guy that runs it is called a Bishop. The big churches with the gates around it are called Temples...you can't go in unless you are a Mormon.

• General Conference is a meeting that is televised twice a year (generally...April and October). You will think that the second coming of Jesus has occurred but it's just that all of the Mormon's are glued to their TV's for the entire weekend. This is a great time to go to the Zoo or any other popular venue.

• If people at the grocery store don't smile at you....it's because they don't recognize you from The Ward.

• Liquor stores and grocery store beer. Liquor stores are only open until 7pm and 10pm. Plan accordingly. Whatever you do...do not drink grocery store beer. It's a waste of money...they don't call it near beer for nothing. 

• Speaking of booze. You can get a (3.2)beer at 10am...but you have to wait until Noon for wine, real beer and liquor. Don't bother ordering a Martini, Margarita or a Long Island Iced Tea. They are only allowed to give you 2.5 ounces of liquor per drink. Also, you have to order food with it.

• Lots of restaurants and stores are closed on Sunday. Figure out what's open on Sunday and enjoy dining in a near empty restaurant. This is also your best day to go to Target and the Mall.

• Learn to make the following dishes: Jello Mold, Funeral Potatoes, Frog Eye Salad and Fry Sauce.

• It may be difficult to make friends in Utah but don't take it personally. Mormons are very busy with church activities and have likely lived in the same area for their entire lives. Also, you won't have much in common with them. Hang out in coffee shops and approach other people drinking coffee.

• If you aren't interested in becoming Mormon...then don't accept a Book of Mormon or attend any church functions. In some places, this will encourage them to try to convert you. And whatever you do...do not invite them into your living room to discuss things. This gets your name on a special list that you can't be removed from.

• If you do not convert and continually turn the Missionaries away...you may be shunned by your neighbors. Don't take this personally. It's their loss.

• If you see a woman at the grocery store that looks like she just stepped out of an episode of Little House on the Prairie and she has a whole bunch of kids...she's probably a sister wife. Smile and say Hi to her because everyone in the store will be whispering about her behind her back. You are both outsiders...be real nice to her.

• Never admit to having had an abortion, being gay or being Jewish (we aren't...they assumed).
  

• The best restaurants and grocery stores with exotic ingredients are located in Salt Lake City.

Mormons Have Taken Over

Best Buy!

For those of you that don't know. Mormon Missionaries generally wear black pants, white short sleeved shirts and black ties. Like this.

Chris Gorham playing a Missionary in The Other Side of Heaven

I had a strong desire to drink coffee after leaving Best Buy.

Are You There God...It's Me, Connie

I wrote the beginning of this post last week after the Jesus incident and it probably would have sat in draft if it wasn't for the post my friend Vivienne wrote yesterday. I've been praying about a church for the kids and I to attend and this just made my search all the more important. If you've been a reader of my blog recently, you know that I believe in miracles. God is good!



We were sitting in the drive thru at McDonald's after an eventful trip to story time at the library* when Alex told me that Daddy said I can't drink wine anymore. (for the record, he denies telling them this.)

I informed him that I can drink as much wine as I can want and that I can do this because Jesus loves me.  He balked at this and I told him that Jesus turned water into wine and therefore, Jesus is a big fan.  (I even tried to convince the Mormon's of this once.)

Jesus has been a big topic lately since I threw that out there during the Easter Egg Hunt and then made them watch a Veggie Tales Movie about Easter.  It occurred to me that they don't know about Jesus....because we don't go to church.

On the way home....questions about Jesus, Heaven and Heck all came up.  I tried to explain it as best I could but now the kids are afraid of dying and definitely don't want to go to Heck because there isn't a McDonald's there.

That was NOT a lie.  I'm sure that Satan hasn't built one. 

I think it's time for us to find a church...if nothing else, for the hour of free babysitting.

******************

Story time.  The kids have a bad habit of shouting stuff out to the librarian while she's reading a book to them.  This week I encouraged them to wait until she was finished to add comments.  I also encouraged them to raise their hands.

Mallory hung back instead of being right in front of the teacher like she normal is.  I don't think she knew what to do with this information.

After the counting book about hammers, Alex informed the librarian that his Daddy has a lot of hammers and that his name is Keith.  She was very impressed.

Next there was a song about pancakes, fruit, waffles and whipped cream!  Alex excitedly told her that his Daddy lets him have as much whipped cream in his coffee as he wants!  She looked alarmed.

While all of this was going on....Mallory was mad because Alex kept getting in front of her in the back row and she couldn't see the book.  She would look at me and YELL that she was mad.  All of the mother's were laughing at with me.

She was also having issues because there was a BABY in the library.  She doesn't like babies because they have big butts and they cry a lot.

Baby...I don't see no stinkin Baby!

**Since I wrote this....Mallory has changed her mind about babies because she saw someone on TV pushing one on a swing and she would now like a baby to push on a swing.  She also announced to everyone at the park yesterday that I'm going to poop out a baby for her to push on a swing.**

P.S. I have some new readers from Brigham Young University!  Welcome!

They Found Me

Keith was late coming home so I had to feed the kids early.  I had just set some scrambled eggs down in front of them when there was a knock at the door.

We never get people coming to the door  unless they are delivering a package or a pizza and I was expecting neither.

I opened the door and I couldn't contain my reaction.

Me: Oh hell. 

Me: I'm sorry....I mean no disrespect, but I lived in Utah for almost 4 years and I've already done my time.

Elder Leib & Elder Rambo: (giggle)

Me: But seriously....what took you guys so long.

Elder Rambo: (looks at watch) We got here as soon as we could!

Me: I moved 8 months ago.....you guys are slackers.

Elder Leib: (turns bright red)

Elder Rambo: Where in Utah did you live?

Me: North Ogden.

Elder Rambo: Oh...I have an Aunt that lives there.

Me: I am 100 percent certain that I love wine more than I love going to celestial heaven.

Elder Leib: Can we at least give you our phone number....in case you need help moving?

Me: You want to help me move?  What I really need is a babysitter.

Elder Rambo: We aren't allowed to do that.

Me: How are you with squirrels? Click HERE for a squirrel update.

Elder Leib: (hands me a card with phone number) And what was your name?

Me: c-Carla.  Yeah.  My name is Carla.

Mallory: (standing behind me) That's not your name.

Me: (covering Mallory's mouth with my hand) See you on moving day!

*************************

20 minutes later there's another knock at the door.

It's a kid selling candy bars.  I have no cash and $20 worth of chocolate hidden in the kitchen.  

Me: I'm so sorry!  I gave up chocolate for Lent.

I think I'm going to hell......

**It looks like I'm on the LDS radar today.  I just want to say that I have nothing but love for all people (well...except some members of my family) and that I have nothing against Mormons.  I've just had my fill of missionaries while living in exile Utah.** 

Goodbye Big Love

I love television.

I've been a big fan for many years and there are certain shows that I'll always remember.  I'm not sure if it's just because the show has gone on for many seasons or because the story line's are controversial.

I have to start off by saying that I love Bill Paxton. When I was getting divorced in 1994, I saw the movie Indian Summer and I fell in love.  As soon as it came out on video, I watched it a million times and once the internet was invented....I searched for information about him.  I am not a stalker...I am a fan.

Dear Bill Paxton....please get a twitter account. 

Dear Friends....Indian Summer is available to rent on Netflix.

Fast forward to March 2006.  iKeith had just been laid off from his job and I was 8 months pregnant.  I was in the finishing stages of nesting and my favorite actor was about to be on a new show on HBO.  I didn't know what a Mormon was, had never heard of a sister wife and had never been to Utah.  All I knew was that I might get to see Bill neeked.

I loved this show and quickly picked a favorite sisterwife.  I loved the energy and lust for life (and Bill) that Margene had.  I admired Bill and his ability to have three loving relationships and be a good father at the same time.  I never ever liked Nicki. Edit HTML

Imagine my surprise to find myself LIVING in Utah a little over a year later.  I found myself looking for Bill and Margene when we'd go to Salt Lake City.  I figured they had to film parts of the show in Utah but I never found them.  I also found myself watching BIG LOVE in secrecy. Utah Mormons very much dislike the show and admitting that you watch it....brings wrath (aka Brother Horton) upon your family.

I even encountered a sisterwife or two at my local grocery store.  Except that they were the *compound* variety with their big hair and prairie dresses.  Whenever I saw a hummer....I wondered if Albie was driving it.

We don't have HBO anymore and I was so bummed when the last season premiered and I knew it would be a year before I'd be able to see it.  But NO...that would not be the case at all. Once again...one of my internet friends who have never met me, decides to do something nice for me.

Adrienne shared Big Love with me.

I'm sad that the show is over but I think I'm happy with how they ended it.*mouse over the next part to see spoiler*   Each of the wives were able to pursue lives that they were meant to live....and perhaps were held back by being married to three other people.  But they are still a family and Bill's legacy lives on. I held my breath during the part when the sisterwives were in the convertable! I thought they were going to have an accident. I just have one question. What happened to Ana? OH and another question...was Teeny in the bathroom during the entire season?

I have GOT TO stop crying now....because it is just a TV show and Margene is not real and her hair won't stay that way forever.

Did you watch Big Love?  What did you think of it?

Non-Mormons Guide to Utah

I was reading a post from Dooce today about her study.

In this post I discovered that most homes in Utah have a room just off from the front door that is used for Home Study with the Mormon teacher that is assigned to come to your home and check up on you.  ie...Brother Horton.

We thought this room was a dining room but now that I have this bit of information, it makes sense that this is what it was supposed to be used for because it was painted fertile earth brown and it had french doors with no handles on it. All the better to lock Brother Horton in my dear!

Since moving back to Denver, we've had time to reflect on our Utah experience...I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner...but as a public service to all new transplants to Utah I present:

The Non-Mormons Guide to Utah

• The room near the door is not a dining room..it's a home study room. This would be a good place to visit with the missionaries you will be inundated with. Don't be a dork like me and make them stand outside in the cold. 

• The room in the basement with shelves is not a wine cellar. It's for your one year (or 3 month if your broke) supply of canned goods. A list of what you are supposed to have on hand can be found here. You can expect at least one neighbor to bring you a couple cans to get you started.

• The church at the end of your street is called a Ward. The guy that runs it is called a Bishop. The big churches with the gates around it are called Temples...you can't go in unless you are a Mormon.

• General Conference is a meeting that is televised twice a year (generally...April and October). You will think that the second coming of Jesus has occurred but it's just that all of the Mormon's are glued to their TV's for the entire weekend. This is a great time to go to the Zoo or any other popular venue.

• If people at the grocery store don't smile at you....it's because they don't recognize you from The Ward.

• Liquor stores and grocery store beer. Liquor stores are only open until 7pm and 10pm. Plan accordingly. Whatever you do...do not drink grocery store beer. It's a waste of money...they don't call it near beer for nothing. 

• Speaking of booze. You can get a (3.2)beer at 10am...but you have to wait until Noon for wine, real beer and liquor. Don't bother ordering a Martini, Margarita or a Long Island Iced Tea. They are only allowed to give you 2.5 ounces of liquor per drink. Also, you have to order food with it.

• Lots of restaurants and stores are closed on Sunday. Figure out what's open on Sunday and enjoy dining in a near empty restaurant. This is also your best day to go to Target and the Mall.

• Learn to make the following dishes: Jello Mold, Funeral Potatoes, Frog Eye Salad and Fry Sauce.

• It may be difficult to make friends in Utah but don't take it personally. Mormons are very busy with church activities and have likely lived in the same area for their entire lives. Also, you won't have much in common with them. Hang out in coffee shops and approach other people drinking coffee.

• If you aren't interested in becoming Mormon...then don't accept a Book of Mormon or attend any church functions. In some places, this will encourage them to try to convert you. And whatever you do...do not invite them into your living room to discuss things. This gets your name on a special list that you can't be removed from.

• If you do not convert and continually turn the Missionaries away...you may be shunned by your neighbors. Don't take this personally. It's their loss.

• If you see a woman at the grocery store that looks like she just stepped out of an episode of Little House on the Prairie and she has a whole bunch of kids...she's probably a sister wife. Smile and say Hi to her because everyone in the store will be whispering about her behind her back. You are both outsiders...be real nice to her.

• Never admit to having had an abortion, being gay or being Jewish (we aren't...they assumed).
  

• The best restaurants and grocery stores with exotic ingredients are located in Salt Lake City.

The Nanny Cam

When we lived in Utah, we had two very nice neighborhood girls that watched the kids from time to time when we needed a date night.

This particular night we were celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary with friends in a town an hour away. I was really nervous about driving so far away but I also knew that our babysitters where nice Mormon girls and one of their mothers could be called in an emergency.

I used Photobooth a lot back then to record the kids dancing and talking. I opened this application one day and was shocked to see a stranger's face looking back at me. It was MY living room...but someone's face.

I pushed play....



The girls had been playing with my computer and recorded this short video.

We didn't even know we had a Nanny Cam!

The Reason Calvin Won't Text Me.

*I used to call my husband Calvin...when he was in the witness protection program otherwise known as N.ASA. 

Calvin has a little more time on his hands at work right now since things are so up in the air about The Constellation Project. A little update on that situation is that Congress is not happy with the plan and there is a rumor that N.ASA is coming up with a Plan B that will include the project. This is great news...but I don't know if it will really happen or not. Either way...it will take a while for everyone to come to an agreement...unless they try to rush it through like the Health Care Bill.

Anyway, sometimes lately I get lucky and Calvin will have a textual conversation with me. I still can't get him to sext with me but I'm working on it. He tells me that Engineers can't do that...not even when I use words like Hardrive and Hyperlink.

Friday, 9:42am 

Connie: If a Tauren falls in the Forrest, do resto Druids laugh?

Calvin: Funny. Did you get that from Twitter?

Connie: Yes.

Calvin:  Got the Gas bill today. It is $91.84.

Connie: Down from $192?

Calvin:Yes. Yay!

Connie: Wow! I guess keeping the heat down is making a difference.

Calvin: Perhaps, Feb was warmer than Jan.

Connie: Maybe a little.

Calvin: Regardless, I think freezing our asses off has helped reduce our bill. Thanks Connie for reducing our expenses!

Connie: You're welcome. Are you sure you don't want a snuggie??

No response from Calvin


10:52am

Connie:  I found out why UTAH doesn't double coupons.

Calvin: Why?

Connie: Because in most other states only 1% are redeemed...but 3% are redeemed here. Retailer lose too much money in Utah.

Calvin: Those Mormons are always looking to save a buck. When Arby's has a two for one, guys here eat there daily until it stops. Hehe

Connie: I know!! They screwing up my grocery shopping experience!!

Calvin: ROFL

Connie: In Dallas....they TRIPLE coupons! It's Coupon Nirvana!

Calvin: Stop you are killing me!

Connie: Okay. I'll stop....



11:27am

Connie: We need to get a freezer so I can buy a 40 lb box of chicken.

Calvin: Oh my, you are still cracking me up. LOL

Connie: Is that a yes or a no?

 No response from Calvin.

11:47 am


Connie: Nevermind...I don't need a freezer. Jesus is coming....

Calvin: Yup are on Fire. And no, we are not buying a freezer. If we downsize to an apartment, what then would we do with it?

Calvin: That was *You as in You are on fire.

Connie:  I got that. And you're right. I got all excited about saving $100 and I was trying trying to spend it.

Calvin: No more Texting privileges for you. I am in tears.


I think I know why I normally don't get a response.....

Day Out With Mallory

Daddy and Alex left for Denver this morning. I decided that the best way that I know to get over being sad....is Retail Therapy! I take my job as Mallory's Mother very seriously and it is my obligation to teach her the finer points of being a female. I must teach her how to shop, just like my Mother taught me.

The Mormons (General Conference Time) were tucked all snug in their houses today and we had Gymbucks burning a hole in our pocket so we headed to the mall. First.....we needed shoes! OMG SHOES! I explained to Mal that any shopping trip can be saved with a great pair of shoes. I was shocked when I paid the bill and our shoes cost the same amount! Oh my heck!





Once we had some proper footwear, we went to The Quilted Bear. They had so many wonderful holiday decorations, but we restrained ourselves and only bought one item for our Jim Shore collection and Mallory got her very own backpack.



Then it was time! It was time to go to Gymboree. To honor our Mormon Brothers' and Sisters' we were on a mission! A mission to find Christmas Outfits. I know what you are thinking. Christmas? Already? If you read this blog you know that we plan for Christmas for 6 solid months. For example, this week we purchased our Christmas Cards. And people here in the Beehive State have lots and lots of kids. You must buy children's items early or you just miss out. Halloween costumes in Utah...sell out (well the good ones) in early September. You must act quickly or your kid has to wear crap from Wal-Mart!

I am very pleased with what I found but I think I need to go back to shopping at Gymboree online because not having a running total as I shop turned out to be rather...costly. Hi Honey. I didn't really spend that much, just a little tiny bit more than I wanted but once you see Moo in this hat that I got...Oh my heck! It is just the cutest thing and also it was the last one. I. had. to. get. it! Plus, I already discussed it with your Mom and she is totally on my side.

Here is Moo with the loot!

After all of that shopping...we were so hungry! We decided on Chick Fil A and I introduced Mallory to Chicken Nuggets dipped in honey! She loved it! Waffle Fries, not so much.


And then, I introduced Mallory to something that every woman needs (and I still don't have).

Designer Handbags

She was very fond of the Coach handbags..... That's my girl!
Daddy...click on Coach. That is the one Mommy likes.

A busy morning of shopping makes us very thirsty....check out the hat. Seriously! Cute right?




Tonight we are going to eat corn dogs, drink stawberry milk, read Wocket in my Pocket a million times and watch Blonde Ambition staring Jessica Simpson!



Random Utah Fact: According the 2000 Census, Utah was the fourth fastest growing state (at 29.6 percent) in the United States between 1990 and 2000. St. George, in the southwest, is the second-fastest growing metropolitan area in the United States, trailing Greeley, Colorado.
Info from wikipedia

Nanny Cam

A month ago, for our 4th Anniversary, we hired our regular babysitters and we went out to dinner. We don't have a Nanny Cam because they are two very nice Mormon girls and we trust them. On my Mac there is a application called Photo Booth and you can take pictures or record video with it. I often record the kids dancing or saying funny things. Today I was getting ready to record the kids in their cowboy hats and I noticed a recording that I didn't recognize. It was my living room in the video but I didn't know the person in it. I was a little startled.

And then I recognized them....our babysitters! Then were playing around with my computer and recorded themselves. It is really funny!

Horton Hears a Wino

I thought it was over.

I was present when Brother Horton came over last week to retrieve his book about how a nice Jewish boy became a Mormon and I witnessed Keith's 'we don't want to convert and we like our 'lifestyle' as heathens and yes, your religion sounds very nice but we aren't interested speech'. Brother Horton made one last appeal...I think it was to me, telling me that he had 10 kids and each time a new one came, he got a raise at work. God provided for them because they did what they were supposed to do and were good Mormons. That's great and all but Keith gets raises whether we are Mormons or not. Nice try though.

We bid him farewell and then we had a beer. Because that is what heathens do.

Last night, I had just finished my Margarita, that I had to have because of the spider situation and was in the middle of planning our trip to Park City this weekend. I had just put the addresses for the two liquor stores into my contacts so that we could easily find them when we arrived.

Anyway....9:30pm. There is a knock at the door and it didn't even occur to me that it was Tuesday night and that it could be Brother Horton calling.

It was him.

He wanted to talk to Keith. I went and tore him away from his World of Warcraft game and he returned with this:



He brought us a bottle of Grape Juice and asked us to replace it for one week with 'the other stuff'.

I love wine. I love it so much that I sent text messages (that Horton must be intercepting) this week, to my Sister and Brother-In-Law professing my love for wine. I don't drink it everyday....but at least once a week I like to unwind with a couple of glasses. Usually around Friday.

Wine makes me a better Mother. Sometimes, a glass of wine, enjoyed in the bathtub, at the end of a hard day of crying and changing poopy diapers is all I need to be right again. I just don't see Grape Juice having the same effect for me.

Wine has gotten me pregnant twice!! Alex and Mallory might not be here today if not for my love of the drink. Grape Juice doesn't make me Horny Baby!

I enjoy wine with food. Steak, cheese and bread, just taste better with wine.

Plus, Jesus turned Water into Wine! Jesus is a fan! Jesus must have loved wine!

Stay Tuned for my new favorite iPhone Application! Horton's going to love this one!

Persistent!

Most of you know the continuing saga with my husband and his Mormon Missionary buddy who has been coming to our house for brainwashing bible study.

Calvin* thought they had wrapped things up last week and he had made clear that he wasn't interested in being Mormon.

Last night, 8 pm....there is a knock at the door. I freeze. I know who it is. It is Brother Horton Hears A Who. That is my new name for him. His name is Brother Horton....I added the Hears A Who.

He has brought Calvin a book to read. Okay. So this guy is f*cking deaf not listening because Calvin told him he doesn't like to read and that is one of his issues with the church. There is too much fasting/church attending/sobriety reading.

We talked last night about how Calvin must really be jacking up their statistics on how long it takes to convert someone. And I bet there is a weekly memo about the attempts at saving Heathen Weiss. I told him I'm glad that Brother Horton Hears A Who parks across the street because I'm sure everyone on the block knows his car and is aware of what he is doing here. They are all waiting patiently for news that we have been proselytized converted.

And Mallory. OH the poor thing. When Horton Hears A Who was at our door last night. She started screaming at the top of her lungs and dug her nails into my neck. It took me 10 minutes to calm her down. She apparently has an allergy aversion to Mormons.

Then....this morning when I was making my coffee. I saw it. The book that Brother Horton Hears A Who brought for Calvin to read.



That would be Norman the Mormon.

I laughed my tushie off! Brother Horton will not give up!! And now he really does think we are Jewish, which was my next plan of getting them off our back. I was looking for a Star of David to put on my front door!

I really wish that our desire to not be Mormons and just co-exist was possible. It seems to be all or nothing here. I have known so many people that haven't tried to convert me to their religion and it was never a condition of our friendship.

In their defense. I am not talking about all Mormons. I have met a few that have accepted me as I am. However, I live in a community that doesn't welcome outsiders unless you become one of them. In fact, we learned recently that for a long time they refused to sell their land and homes to non-Mormons. This is the kind of sh*t I am dealing with.

And it looks like I better find a way to co-exist with them because the word on the street is that we are not moving anytime soon.

I'm crushed about it.

Lord help me find a way to live in Utah. I don't want to be miserable.

** ** ** ** ** **

*Calvin used to be iKeith's blog name because he was working on a top secret government program.

Scenes From A Mall!

Last Saturday, was a little dreary....so I went to Home Depot and bought some mulch for my flower beds in the hopes that I will get to use it pretty soon and was really surprised to discover that there weren't that many people there. I got what I needed, got right through to a cashier and then to my car in a matter of about 20 minutes. Hubby was surprised to see me home so soon so he decided we should all jump in the car and do something.

Well...I don't do that.

I need to know in advance that we are doing something. I need to pack a diaper bag and mostly...I need make-up. But I decided to throw all caution to the wind and go as I was! We put shoes and jackets on the kids, threw some sippy cups in the diaper bag and we were off like dirty pair of panties! It was getting close to lunch time so we decided that we would go to the Ogden Mall. The drive there was rather pleasant,not much traffic. We found a good parking spot at the mall. Again, usual for a Saturday in Ogden.

We walked in the food court and it was practically empty. There were only five tables of people. Some body builders drinking smoothies, a family of smokers whose baby was crying from the obvious nicotine withdrawals that comes from breathing the fresh mall air. Some old people that got a pass out from the senior living home, some teenagers wearing some really inappropriate footwear and us.

We ate at the Food Court. I love Food Courts! Everyone gets what they want.  Mallory and I shared  Mongolian Chicken and Fried Rice, Alex had Subway and Daddy had Mexican Food. Alex sat in the chair without a booster seat like a big boy!

After lunch we decided to go down to the little play area and let the kids pick up some illnesses, I mean, play on the fun climby things. But on the way there...Daddy stopped off in Spencers and found a fun gift for the men in our life. It is called Stroke on a Rope. If you can't figure out what it is...call Calvin. He would love to splain it to you! I double dog dare you to call and ask him. LOL!

So...back to the story! On the way, we found a brand new arcade that had stuff for the little kids. It was great!! And there was no one there!! Here are the kids on their very first Merry Go Round!!


So we finally made it down to the play area and found some Mexican American kids playing there. And then I figured out what happened. The Rapture had come and taken all the Mormon's to heaven! Dang it!!! I knew we should have joined the freakin LDS church a few months ago when we had the chance! Damn Starbucks all to heck! We were going to hell!

All the way home...empty streets. We didn't have to sit through the arrow three times at each traffic light and we got home in record time. I just kept thinking...I just knew that when the rapture came, I would be shopping.

The next day...I ran to get the newspaper to see the headline. JESUS CAME BACK! But instead, I found out that the Mormon's were all at home watching TV. Saturday was their General Conference with their new President and it was televised.

Next year we're going to the Zoo during the General Conference!

The One About Why I Can't Make Friends

Before I begin. You all should know that I have a history of altercations. Mostly with people although there is a lefse griddle and some shopping carts in my feisty history. You should also know that I was let go from my last job for telling my co-worker to Cease And Desist. I'm opinionated, emotional, sensitive and a radical republican.

My husband married me anyway.

I was so excited yesterday when a friend of mine got ahold of me and asked if we wanted to go to the park. The kids and I have not been on a play date since that disastrous day last September when I became a Mom's Club Reject. Some of you may remember, we went to our first meeting with the North Ogden Mom's Club only to be completely ignored. We went home with our tail between our legs and have been licking our wounds all winter, telling ourselves we are good enough and making plans for making new friends that would like us and how much fun we would have with them.

We have known Monica and her family since our first week in Ogden. We all stayed in the same hotel when we arrived and our husbands started their new jobs. They live further north of us and we have both had new baby girls taking up a lot of our time so we haven't gotten together much.

We met at the park and everything was going great! I brought Starbucks! YUM! Her 3 year old and Alex were playing on all of the slides and swings while we held our babies and talked a little. I even used my new ring sling and it worked really well. We walked across the park to a bigger play area and there were already two kids playing there and their Mom's (I use this term loosely) were sitting on the benches talking. These boys were around 4ish and they knew each other. Alex went up three little steps to the opening to a slide that these boys where sitting in front of and they were telling him that he couldn't come up there. He was trying to fight his way up and they were pushing him back. I saw this and I went up (while holding M) and I told those kids that they don't own the slide and he can be there. Then they told Alex, 'you're not our friend, you can't come up here'. On the inside....I lost it...here comes Momma Bear! I told Alex...I'm so sorry that you have to learn about bullies on your SECOND ever trip to the park. But that is life honey and some little boys aren't very nice.

The one little boy looks at me and says, 'Alex's not our friend'. I told him to go wipe that bogger off his face and leave us alone. I then picked Alex up and walked down the stairs. Alex is having a fit because he didn't want to get down. I'm trying to get him to leave with me and these boys came down and started taunting him. 'why don't you go home Alex. go with your Mom Alex.' The Mom's are sitting behind me laughing. I finally get Alex calmed down and tell him we are going to Wendy's because he has been such a good boy. Then I walked right in front of those Mom's and I said 'and I will explain to you all about mean boys and how to handle them.' As we were walking away....Booger Faced Boy yells to us....HAVE FUN ALEX! I wanted to run back and kick him in his little bogger streaked face.

WTH? How can children be bullies at this age? They obviously learned it at home...right? Where else would they learn...you aren't our friend? They were such rude little jerks. I just couldn't believe it. Poor Alex. He just wanted to go down the damn slide.

I relayed this story to Hubby on the way home and he says.

So they didn't hurt him?

No. Not physically. Maybe Mommy is more hurt by what happened then Alex is. I guess I had my share of being bullied as a child and I'm sensitive to it.

So...Mommies. How do you handle the bullies? Did I handle it correctly? In hind sight, I'm wishing I would have said something directly to the Mom's. I swear I turn into a Momma Bear! My claws are still out!

I wonder if they were intimidated by Alex's perfectly matching Gymboree Sweater/Pants/Shoes Combo?

The good news is that Monica still wants to get our kids together! The bad news is that I don't see me making many more friends around here because I just had an altercation with a 4 year old.

Apparently....I don't play well with others!