Thursday, August 7, 2008

Horton Hears a Wino

I thought it was over.

I was present when Brother Horton came over last week to retrieve his book about how a nice Jewish boy became a Mormon and I witnessed Keith's 'we don't want to convert and we like our 'lifestyle' as heathens and yes, your religion sounds very nice but we aren't interested speech'. Brother Horton made one last appeal...I think it was to me, telling me that he had 10 kids and each time a new one came, he got a raise at work. God provided for them because they did what they were supposed to do and were good Mormons. That's great and all but Keith gets raises whether we are Mormons or not. Nice try though.

We bid him farewell and then we had a beer. Because that is what heathens do.

Last night, I had just finished my Margarita, that I had to have because of the spider situation and was in the middle of planning our trip to Park City this weekend. I had just put the addresses for the two liquor stores into my contacts so that we could easily find them when we arrived.

Anyway....9:30pm. There is a knock at the door and it didn't even occur to me that it was Tuesday night and that it could be Brother Horton calling.

It was him.

He wanted to talk to Keith. I went and tore him away from his World of Warcraft game and he returned with this:

He brought us a bottle of Grape Juice and asked us to replace it for one week with 'the other stuff'.

I love wine. I love it so much that I sent text messages (that Horton must be intercepting) this week, to my Sister and Brother-In-Law professing my love for wine. I don't drink it everyday....but at least once a week I like to unwind with a couple of glasses. Usually around Friday.

Wine makes me a better Mother. Sometimes, a glass of wine, enjoyed in the bathtub, at the end of a hard day of crying and changing poopy diapers is all I need to be right again. I just don't see Grape Juice having the same effect for me.

Wine has gotten me pregnant twice!! Alex and Mallory might not be here today if not for my love of the drink. Grape Juice doesn't make me Horny Baby!

I enjoy wine with food. Steak, cheese and bread, just taste better with wine.

Plus, Jesus turned Water into Wine! Jesus is a fan! Jesus must have loved wine!

Stay Tuned for my new favorite iPhone Application! Horton's going to love this one!


  1. Yeah - I don't think I could give up wine either... I don't need alcohol (if all we have in the house is beer - I'll have a diet coke or water) - but wine is a staple for us. I probably do drink more of it than I should - but it's never enough to make me drunk or irresponsible.

    I've been having good Mormon experiences with the various people I've met online and no one is trying to convert me. Sounds like Horton never quite finished his Mission (see - I even know some of the lingo now). He's relentless!

  2. Oh my gosh you have me cracking up!

  3. Grape juice?? Only if it has some gin mixed with it!

  4. hi there...
    sorry we didn't get to hook up over the last week! we were crazy busy...
    so funny about the grape juice thing. i think i consumed more wine than grape juice while there...but that may just be my problem!
    mmmm...and i got to enjoy some water ice too. yum.
    don't worry (not that you are fretting about it). the flights went amazingly...i'll be back! (sooner rather than later).

  5. I don't drink very much, but I do love a glass of wine. And, Coppola's Claret is responsible for my first born. Caution in the wind all the way!

    Maybe you guys should move a little bit east, say colorado?

  6. That was hilarious!! I am sure the kids will enjoy the grape juice.. while you drink your glass of wine.

  7. Hee. Sounds like Horton never fully came OFF his mission! That is a classic missionary technique. Sounds like he's a little too hung up over your indulgence in alcohol!

  8. Haha, thanks for the morning laugh.
    I think you need to stick with wine and other assorted alcoholic drinks ;)

  9. thank you for the laugh, as if the juice in any way compares to a glass of actual wine :)

    Happy SITS day!

  10. At least juice was one thing you could cross off your grocery list for the week. Great post, you had smiling!

  11. Thanks for the laugh, but I am never gonna get out of your site with all the links in it!! :-)

  12. From one random (former Mormon) heathen to another: Why not add a little Korbel Brut to that, making a 'midnight mimosa', and invite Brother Horton over for a little drinky-drink?

    Ha! Love it!


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