Friday, April 15, 2011

The Circle of Trust: A Squirrel Story.


10:35am Mick the Squirrel Hunter Maintenance Man was just here to inform me that he's been fighting with this squirrel for a few days. Apparently, it chased my favorite neighbor Don's wife Dawn out of the laundry room yesterday.  He's removing the dryer because he suspects that our squirrel is a girrl and she's got babies in the wall.  I die. Also, laundry room is covered in POOP!

12:15pm No more news from Mick The Squirrel Hunter, so I've decided to seal the doors and windows with plastic  because we have lots of nuts in the house. Macadamia Nuts.  We're now like the boy in the bubble.

1:43pm Looking outside for Mick The Lazy Squirrel Hunter, I noticed a small squirrel trying to break into my SUV.  If I hadn't sealed the windows and doors...I would have tossed him my keys.

5:37pm Too nervous to cook so iKeith has offered to take me out to dinner. I wish he'd offer to do the laundry.....

8:30pm I'm drunk and I'm ready to physically fight the squirrels.

12:14pm  I haven't heard back from Mick...but word on the street is that there is a family of squirrels living in the wall of the laundry room and Mick can't figure out how they are getting in.  I was told that a man is coming to spray something that will smell badly and repel the squirrels.

In other news....I think the squirrels have a summer home in my roof.

I did my laundry at a scary dirty laundry mat today and I swore to never return.  I'd rather just buy new clothes every week. There were people in my personal space, people that didn't own laundry baskets and people who might have been carrying around large quantities of drugs in baggies. Oh, and there was a dog there.  By the way, if you have your first name embroidered on your sweatshirt, Barb.  It makes it a lot easier for me to cuss you by name in my head (and my blog).  Barb.

9:11am Just talked to Mick. The fox urine bomb was dropped on Saturday morning which explains why the squirrels were terrorizing me that day. He also shot and killed four of them in the laundry room on Friday night. My laundry room is now a crime scene. Click HERE for the song of the day.

I informed Mick of my suspicions that they might be moving to the roof and he's coming over with a flood light later because the attic access is in my apartment.  Awesome.

I'm off to google what it takes to make a fox a pet.

12:55pm  Mick the Squirrel Killer hasn't shown up yet.  Also, according to google, Foxes don't make good pets.

3:07pm  Heard noise outside so I went to check it out and found this.

That's Mick and his son attempting to patch a hole in the building in the continuing squirrel saga.  He assures me that this will stop them.  He also informed me that the fox urine did nothing. Soooo glad I didn't buy a pet fox.

Mick believes that this is where they are getting in.  Let's hope he's right.

In other news...I believe that the squirrels are retaliating against me and threw laundry soap at my vehicle.  Keith still thinks I'm crazy.

12:54pm  It would appear that Mick's Fix didn't work because he's given up and is just letting the squirrels come and go as they damn well please.

This door is normally locked and only residents of my apartment have access. Why didn't he just make the squirrels their own key? I walked over to the office to talk about them waiving my penalty for moving before my lease has expired and the office is closed until Monday.

Something tells me they knew I was coming.

11:00am  I think I know why the door was propped open all day Friday.


I decided to face my fear and do laundry yesterday.  I even recorded my adventure.  It was scary and I felt my throat closing as I headed down the stairs....but it wasn't because of my fear.  It was because there was a smell down there that was making it hard to breath.

9:19am  Saw this Honda Commercial last night and decided it would be fun to get a pet fox.  Look how cute and well behaved it is!


Have I ever told you why I hate the movie UP?  It's not because that poor little boy is gone for days and no one appears to care where he is, or because I don't like old people.

It's because of that dog.  The one that says SQUIRREL all the time.

It scares the crap out of me.....because I have issues with squirrels.  I know what you're thinking....what doesn't Connie have issues with and does iKeith take medication to deal with it all.  The answer is no, he doesn't but his eyes may stay rolled up inside his head if he doesn't stop rolling them at me.

I've been thinking about sharing this story with you for a long time because I feel like it's one of those *little known secrets* about me.

It started back in 1997.  I was living in a cute little blue house near the University of Northern Colorado.  Our backyard had beautiful 100 year old oak trees that provided the most amazing shade.  One day I walked around the corner in my kitchen and there on the counter was a squirrel helping himself to a loaf of bread.

I crapped my pants. 

This went on for the entire summer.  I was terrified to walk into my kitchen and lost 25 pounds.  I moved soon after the country but we don't have problems with squirrels in the country.

Have I told you how much I LOVE coyotes?

In 2002, I lived in Denver and part of my job at a collection agency was to go to the bank every day with our deposits. Rain or shine....I drove to the bank.

One day I came out of the bank and before I reached the doors to the outside....I saw a squirrel standing on the trash can just beyond the door.  He was blocking me from leaving the bank and he was giving me the evil eye.  I was held hostage in a bank vestibule!  Finally, another customer walked up and scared him away.  I might have kissed that guy.  On the lips.

In 2004, iKeith and I bought our first house and it had a big beautiful yard that backed up to a even bigger park.  We had 20 trees in our, cherry and a bunch of really old pine trees.  I spent that entire first summer weeding and planting because we were getting married in our back yard soon.

It wasn't long before the assaults started.  First they were verbal.  Chattering at me and jumping from tree to tree while I did my work.

Next they ate my sunflowers and dug up my bulbs.

The final straw was when they started throwing pine cones at my head.

We tell people that we sold that house and moved to Utah for a job....but the truth is that we were ran out of town by the squirrels and I had to join the Squirrel Protection Program.

I bet you didn't know they don't have squirrels in Ogden Utah....did you?

This morning....I opened the door to the laundry room and found a squirrel standing there. I may not be the smartest person....but I know that squirrels don't have laundry!  I've already been having laundry issues because the stupid girl that lives next to me highjacked the washer and dryer the other day so I've been putting it off for almost two weeks.

Now I can never do laundry again.

And I have to move.

I'm sharing my squirrel with Jennifer at Momma Made It Look Easy and you can too.  Wait.  That didn't come out right.  I'm sharing my post. Yeah!


  1. Last summer, we had a really aggressive, crazy-acting squirrel in the backyard. It would rush the kids everytime they went out to play! When my husband tossed stones at it to scare it away, the squirrel pounced on them! I thought for sure there was a rabid squirrel in our yard.

    And then we discovered our next door neighbor was feeding them - out of his HAND! The squirrels thought the stones were food!

    Makes me mad to this day. Stupid Neighbor.

  2. Wow. I've never heard of people having troubles like that with squirrels. Call animal control. They should be able to come get him out. Then complain to apartment management and see if they can plug up the hole or however he came in.

  3. Yep. Definitely move. Today if you can.

  4. I don't fear squirrels, but I do snakes. Therefore, I can relate on some level. We have a lot of squirrels in my neighborhood... and a lot of dogs too! They stay high up in the trees or on the wires. If they venture in my grass, they better be prepared to run. My dog is sneaky and stalks them in the trees... he sits under them and stays totally focused on their every move... I think he's willing them to fall... lol! Truly, I think he'd kill one if he caught it. Honestly, I hope that never happens...

  5. I've never, ever been afraid of a squirrel. EVER. Until last year. Apparently they can be very aggressive during their mating season. I did not know this nor did I know squirrels had a special season for love. What I knew was that the kids and I had to get to the car and to do so, we HAD to walk by the huge tree in our yard. This pissed off the squirrel that lives in the tree and he went nuts! I also didn't know squirrels could make an almost hissing noise. Holy shit. I really thought the damn thing was going to jump on us. The kids and I hightailed it to the car. I was tempted to use my son as my shield but instead decided to take the high road and instead shield him with my body. I had to fight the self-preservation instinct though!! :o))) We went through weeks of this squirrel going crazy every time we walked by but thankfully nothing happened.

    Then on Easter that little sucker grabbed one of the kids' plastic eggs and was trying to get it open!! He had it up in the tree and everything. I was worried b/c of course all the eggs had chocolate in them and would it kill the crazy animal? I was happy when he accidently dropped the egg. I filled it with pecans instead and left it under the tree (he had already made a hole in the plastic so I knew he would be able to get the nuts.) We made him happy that day.

  6. Not having to do laundry is a reason to STAY in the house. You can't buy that good an excuse!

  7. Okay. OKAY. Seriously, last night we were at a church thing with some friends...and the pastor was making this irritating squirrel sound. He kept doing it and we were like, "KNOCK IT OFF IT'S IRRITATING."
    And then he told us that one time when they were camping he sat in his chair and freakin made that noise for 45 minutes until a squirrel came and sat on HIS LAP.
    Hope he didn't get his nuts!

  8. Wow! My son and I like to watch squirrels. FROM THE WINDOW!

    I'm pretty sure I would lose my mind if I turned a corner in my home and saw one inside. Pretty sure.

    May you soon be entirely and permanently free of them!


  9. Ha! A few weeks ago my friend had a squirrel in her house. She had to set a squirrel trap to catch him. He was actually trying to eat throw the window!
    Squirrels are freaky!

    stopping by from MMILE Share your Awesome!

  10. I used to feed squirrels in college. They don't scare me until they bite or hiss. Then I don't like them anymore. I pretty much can handle anything except SNAKES. They make me scream. LOUDLY.

    I think you need to move. It sounds like they are taking over.

  11. Stopping by from Jennifer's place, we used to have a pastor who hated squirrels and periodically would try to use them as a sermon illustration. But he would get so mad he would forget he was preaching and just vent.

    I am sorry for your problem. I had a rodent in an apartment. When the mntnc man finally caught it, he asked me if I wanted to be the one to kill it. I declined.

  12. I LOVE squirrels! So does my hubby - he had one as a pet when he was younger. We even feed them on our walks with the dogs.
    They do try and throw acorns at us while we are walking though, it is funny. The dogs keep looking up in the trees to find them.

  13. That is GOLD!

    You may have to move to Australia. We don't have squirrels. We just have big spiders, snakes and crocodiles.

  14. If I promise to kill all the squirrels in Aus, will you come???:)))


  15. You need to watch out, they can travel in gangs. Mwahahahaha. Seriously, I would freak if I found a squirrel in my house.

  16. Oh you're an odd girl. we have them run back and forth across our back fence. Makes the dog go crazy. I am going to email you a picture I saw on failblog.

  17. Shot 4 squirrels? I hope Mick didn't have them for dinner. I now have a story that I feel like I've shared with you already, but alas it may make squirrels even farther away from your circle of trust.

    Back in HS, my best friend and I saw a baby squirrel climbing a tree. She thought it was so cute and started calling it over, like you would a dog or cat. Well the darn thing actually came and attacked her! It clung onto her leg and she couldn't get it off.

    I'm sorry but it's making me crack up just thinking about it. So beware, they will cling with all 4 legs!

  18. Darlin', I'm not even sure where to start. Though I don't blame you for having issues with squirrels. It sure sounds like they started it. We saved a baby squirrel from death once, and nursed it back to health, so I don't have the same issues. BUT, chipmunks . . . they're another story. One got into our RV once, and I didn't think we'd ever get it to leave. And another time, one tore through a window screen and stole my aunt's dinner. They're stinkers.

  19. Oh my goodness...I used to love squirrels, until I was convinced that they come to my lawn with the sole purpose of terrorizing my dogs. LOL


I love you. You are my best friend! Your hair looks fantastic today!