Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Sean and the Tierra-ble, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Date

Programming Note: ABC thinks your life is boring and that two hours a week of bachelor drama is not enough.  Next week, The Bachelor will have a two night event with double the romance, double the Tierra-ble drama and double the trips to the ER.  If you're following my drinking game...we're all meeting at AA next Wednesday.

We start the show like we always do...with Sean half naked. He channels his inner Wonder Pet and says this is serious!  The first date card goes to Selma...Let's Turn Up The Heat.  She'd like to go to the next level, the next next level and then have babies.  Sean whisks her away in a limo to a waiting lear jet and she thinks they are going somewhere glamorous.  She also tells us that she weighs 110 pounds and that she doesn't do well with heat.  So what does Sean do?  He's take the Iraqi to the desert and makes her climb rocks.

She rallies and does a great job climbing with minimal complaining.  They make it to the top and Sean says she impressed him.  They clean up and he takes her to an adorable little RV park with theme campers.  They sit together outside and she explains that in her culture you are supposed to date in secret so she decided to go on The Bachelor.  Her mother is mad at her and she can't kiss him.  And then Sean gives her boobs a rose.

The group date card informs the girls that Sean is Looking For a Woman Who Can Roll With The Punches. Then we learn that ABC has arranged for the girls and Sarah to learn to roller derby and then compete with each other.  This has now turned into an episode of Wipe Out.  Amanda pretends that she's done this before to intimidate the other girls.  Sarah can't skate for shit because apparently, you need two arms to balance.  She has a break down and Sean talks her back from the ledge.


Next thing you know, Cocky Amanda does a face plant into the the floor and has to be taken to the hospital.  Sean decides this might be too dangerous so he declares it FREE SKATE time and they all hold hands and skate to Foolish Heart.


Later...they go to a roof top hotel so that Tierra can jump from it, and have a cocktail party. Tierra is sulking because it's her 3rd group date and she doesn't understand why this keeps happening and why she has to live with all of these other girls and doesn't get to see Sean whenever she wants.  Did they not tell her that she signed up to be on The Bachelor?  Amanda comes back from the hospital and they must have lost her clothes because she's wearing a shower curtain instead of a skirt. She decides to play the sympathy card but little does she know that Tierra-ble is about to play her cray cray card.

Tierra wants to leave and stomps all over the roof looking for a good place to jump from Sean.  She crouches on the floor in front of the bathroom, waiting to pounce on him as soon as he emerges with a bikini clad Lindsay.  He talks Tierra-ble off from the ledge (literally) and makes her smile.  He tells her to wait...and runs to get the rose.  He plucks it from the table right in front of the other ladies and now Robyn and half naked Lindsay are shocked and dismayed!  Meanwhile, Tierra-ble sits in the shadows with the biggest shit eating grin you've ever seen. She got the rose.

Leslie H got the last one on one date card titled Could This Be Forever?  This date sucked so I'm going to give it to you in bullet points.

  • They re-enacted Pretty Woman.
  • This is Leslie's favorite Movie.
  • Holy Moly Batman X 3.
  • No connection.
  • No romance.
  • No rose.
  • Holy Moly Batman she's annoying.
  • Good Bye Leslie.

At the rose ceremony, Sean makes time for everyone and he eats some chocolate. Everyone is talking about Tierra-ble and Tierra-ble is talking about everyone talking about her. She pulls Jackie and Robyn aside to apologize to them for her behavior on the group date and then turns it around on them and says if they would just focus on themselves they won't have to talk about her.  Tierra-ble is here for all the right reasons and her eye is on the prize.  She's going to take control and take the girls down.

In the end....Amanda and her god awful lipstick get to go home.  She feels rejected and miserable.  Sad Panda.

Tierra, 24 from Denver. Instant connection with Sean, got first first impression rose, not here to make friends. Pushed herself down the stairs. Likes to punch walls.
AshLee, 32 from Houston.  6 flags date
Lindsay, 24 teacher from Missouri.  Wore wedding dress.
Catherine, 26 from Seattle.
Daniella, 24 from San Fran.
Desiree, 26 from LA2nd one on one date, hit it off with Sean, prank was played on her. First one to see Sean's house.
Jackie, 25 from FL. 
Robyn, 24 from Houston. Did gymnastics and fell.
Sarah, 26 from LA.  Has one arm, first one on one date, fell 35 stories.
Lesley M, 25 from D.C. Had connection with Sean at photo shoot. World Record holder for longest on-screen kiss.
Selma, 29 from San Diego. Rock climbing date. 

Kristy, 25 Model from WI.  Won the harlequin romance contest.
Amanda, 26 model from CA.  Off her meds.
Leslie H, from LA.  Asked Sean about liking black girls. Pretty Woman Date.
Taryn, 30 from OR.
Kacie, 25 from Ben's Season.  Out of the friend zone.  Convinced Katie to leave the show. Talks poop about others, goes home in a mini van.


  1. Henceforth, I shall dub you, Connie, the Great Queen of the One Liners--"He channels his inner Wonder Pet and says this is serious!" and "Sarah can't skate for shit because apparently, you need two arms to balance." are this week's winners! You are awesome!

  2. Love love it. I have missed this show for 16 seasons and am so disappointed in myself. My husband is a pilot and informed me that the plan was a citation 2 (not super cool) but the shot of the plane flying was a g5(very super cool). Leslie had a couple of other fourth grade sayings in there. I'm embarrassed she doesn't she show be embarrassed. Also it would take A LOT MORE CARATS than those bull shit earrings... And Selma I think is in trouble with moms... Maybe she will end up in a trailer park!

  3. You really have to wonder what kind of person is willing to go on a show like this in the first place. Love your recaps

  4. ROTFLMAO I think my sides are going to hurt for *hours* I'm laughing so hard right now. Poor Sean. Bless his heart he is such a dumb@ss.....seriously....

    *sighs* I liked Leslie more than you, at least she's not diabolical. Why do the bachelors always keep the cray-cray girls 'til the end? And that Teira-ble.....I thought she was taking a dump squatting down like that...I didn't know WTH.....And Selma and her I-can't-kiss-on-camera-'cause-I'm-Muslim-craziness.... :/ *really*??????


    I had no idea that we're getting two episodes next week. Methinks we will be going to AA first thing Wed. AM with one mother of a hangover....especially if you add "physicality" to the list. :/

    Great job on the re-cap. Can't wait 'til your posts next week!


  5. I think I like someone, then he goes on a date with them & then I can't stand them. WTH?

    Seriously when is he going to learn about Tierra... he will have to see it first hand otherwise he will just think the other girls are crazy. Maybe he will be dumb & pull a Ben & Courtney. That would super piss me off!

  6. I love that you call her Tierra-ble! What a train wreck that girl is and what was up with CRAZY Amanda and her interview after the hospital??? I really think that the producers are making him keep Tierra, she makes for Good TV :) Did you catch Sean's face when he put Leslie in the car after she got all dressed up....it was a face of boredom and showed that he was just going through the motions.


I love you. You are my best friend! Your hair looks fantastic today!