Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Non-Mormons Guide to Utah

I was reading a post from Dooce today about her study.

In this post I discovered that most homes in Utah have a room just off from the front door that is used for Home Study with the Mormon teacher that is assigned to come to your home and check up on you.  ie...Brother Horton.

We thought this room was a dining room but now that I have this bit of information, it makes sense that this is what it was supposed to be used for because it was painted fertile earth brown and it had french doors with no handles on it. All the better to lock Brother Horton in my dear!

Since moving back to Denver, we've had time to reflect on our Utah experience...I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner...but as a public service to all new transplants to Utah I present:


The Non-Mormons Guide to Utah


  • The room near the door is not a dining room..it's a home study room. This would be a good place to visit with the missionaries you will be inundated with. Don't be a dork like me and make them stand outside in the cold. 

  • The room in the basement with shelves is not a wine cellar. It's for your one year (or 3 month if your broke) supply of canned goods. A list of what you are supposed to have on hand can be found here. You can expect at least one neighbor to bring you a couple cans to get you started.





  • The church at the end of your street is called a Ward. The guy that runs it is called a Bishop. The big churches with the gates around it are called Temples...you can't go in unless you are a Mormon.
  • General Conference is a meeting that is televised twice a year (generally...April and October). You will think that the second coming of Jesus has occurred but it's just that all of the Mormon's are glued to their TV's for the entire weekend. This is a great time to go to the Zoo or any other popular venue.
  • If people at the grocery store don't smile at you....it's because they don't recognize you from The Ward.
  • Liquor stores and grocery store beer. Liquor stores are only open until 7pm and 10pm. Plan accordingly. Whatever you do...do not drink grocery store beer. It's a waste of money...they don't call it near beer for nothing. 
  • Speaking of booze. You can get a (3.2)beer at 10am...but you have to wait until Noon for wine, real beer and liquor. Don't bother ordering a Martini, Margarita or a Long Island Iced Tea. They are only allowed to give you 2.5 ounces of liquor per drink. Also, you have to order food with it.
  • Lots of restaurants and stores are closed on Sunday. Figure out what's open on Sunday and enjoy dining in a near empty restaurant. This is also your best day to go to Target and the Mall.
  • Learn to make the following dishes: Jello Mold, Funeral Potatoes, Frog Eye Salad and Fry Sauce.
  • It may be difficult to make friends in Utah but don't take it personally. Mormons are very busy with church activities and have likely lived in the same area for their entire lives. Also, you won't have much in common with them. Hang out in coffee shops and approach other people drinking coffee.
  • If you aren't interested in becoming Mormon...then don't accept a Book of Mormon or attend any church functions. In some places, this will encourage them to try to convert you. And whatever you do...do not invite them into your living room to discuss things. This gets your name on a special list that you can't be removed from.
  • If you do not convert and continually turn the Missionaries away...you may be shunned by your neighbors. Don't take this personally. It's their loss.
  • If you see a woman at the grocery store that looks like she just stepped out of an episode of Little House on the Prairie and she has a whole bunch of kids...she's probably a sister wife. Smile and say Hi to her because everyone in the store will be whispering about her behind her back. You are both outsiders...be real nice to her.
  • Never admit to having had an abortion, being gay or being Jewish (we aren't...they assumed).
  • The best restaurants and grocery stores with exotic ingredients are located in Salt Lake City.

29 comments:

  1. :) I just love you Connie.

    The end.

    (And you're brave that you even lived in Utah that long. I would have been banned.)

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  2. You my friend are a freaking riot and very brave, like Mimi, to cover such edgy topics. I want to be just like you when I grow up!

    But I never, ever want to live in Utah. I visited once for a wedding and thought I would never get out. The brides Daddy had a thing for me and not a single care that I was there with my husband and 2 year old!

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  3. I would like to say that in certain circumstances even if you don't invite them in, you could end up on a list you can never get out of. Not that I know from experience or anything. Ha!

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  4. This is the BEST post EVER! So perfect, so true! Good for you for posting it!

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  5. i found you through, uh, somewhere! and this is hilarious. my best friend is mormon. i'm not. she'd get a kick out of this though;)

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  6. Excellent thoughts on taking advantage of public places while the Mormons are busy doing Mormonish things!!

    To be able to go to a near empty Target on Sundays just might be worth moving for!!

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  7. You made me giggle out loud at my desk. LOVE THIS!!!

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  8. We once met my dear friend Denise and her family at IKEA on a Sunday and had the place to ourselves for 2 hours.

    It was awesome!

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  9. This is hilarious and so true, my husband and I lived there for about a year. I'm surprised we did not get kicked out. The missionaries have found us in every state we have lived in since. We live so far in the country now, that I'm not sure the police could find us, but the missionaries found us.

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  10. Whenever we eventually get together (because we totally will some day) remind me to tell you about the time I went to Salt Lake for work and took a tour of the Temple (the parts they let you see). I don't really want to post it online because it will unnecessarily offend someone, but you'll think it is funny.

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  11. greatest post ever! Although, I thought the FLDS outlawed TV's awhile back or something? Who knows, I'm lucky if I remember what I did yesterday, yet alone what I read years ago.

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  12. Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

    I would like to say that in certain circumstances even if you don't invite them in, you could end up on a list you can never get out of. Not that I know from experience or anything. Ha!

    I moved multiple states away and still had the Elders looking for me. True story.

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  13. Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

    I would like to say that in certain circumstances even if you don't invite them in, you could end up on a list you can never get out of. Not that I know from experience or anything. Ha!

    I moved multiple states away and still had the Elders looking for me. True story.

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  14. I can only giggle. I have Mormon friends who I love but I think living in Utah would kill me because I'm not Mormon.
    And also? It's like when you live there you either ARE one or hate them. I'd be like you though. Just smile and wave.

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  15. 1200 pounds of wheat, oats and pasta? Where the hell am I supposed to store that?

    Also, if you have ever come into contact with polygamists, I need to know details RIGHT NOW.

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  16. Connie, you are always so full of wonderful information. This will come in handy if we ever move to Utah. I don't see it happening, but you just never know.

    Once I took a religion quiz {did I find the link on your blog, perhaps?} And turns out, I was like 90% Mormon. Who knew?

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  17. This is fasinating to me. I so want to take a trip to Utah now.

    Will you be my guide?

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  18. I want your girlballs for writing this post! That is awesome. You seriously edumacated me because I have NO CLUE about Mormons. All I know is that I have a couple bloggy friends that are Mormon and I love them. But I'm not one and will never be one. I have to worry about the Jehovah Witness people coming to my door.

    But I do watch that Sister Wives show and I love it. And now M thinks we need to get a sister wife. Niiiice.

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  19. Dude, do they really have churches at the end of every street. I feel for you.

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  20. This post is incredibly timely for me!!! My dad just delivered a box of old letters to me and inside were letters from my old Mormon boyfriend. They were from after he dumped me for a girl at BYU and also while he was on his mission trip in Argentina. The boy I dated (and loved) completely changed out at BYU and on his mission. He became racist, mean spirited and could only see the strict Mormon way....he broke my heart. This guide would have been so helpful to me at age 16 while I was learning on the job ;) The mormon dances actually had rulers and they would come up and measure our distance if we looked too close.

    The google ad right now under this post is cracking me up....it is an Ex-mormon dating site :)

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  21. Ha Ha Ha...when we were in college. The Mormans loved to come and talk to my Hubby. (He'll talk to anyone about anything...religion, politics, sports...) and being Jewish they LOVED him. They came so often that they were finally told that they were not allowed to visit him anymore because obviously they were not going to convert him.

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  22. I read this post yesterday and was trying to figure out what I was gonna say. I, like Mimi and others, have Mormon friends who I met while blogging (who live in Utah). I think the ones I'm closest to would get a big kick out of this. It's hilarious. I find all of this so interesting. I feel totally prepared to move to Utah now...or even visit. I feel enlightened. Thanks.

    You're awesome.

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  23. Thank you for reconfirming why we should never think about moving to Utah.

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  24. Oh, my heck... I'm so glad you decided to post this. I was afraid we were no longer going to hear about Brother Horton and your experiences of Grape Juice.
    I didn't realize that you still read Dooce... I think you are SUCH a better writter that she is and so much more down to earth.
    You couldn't pay me to read Dooce's blog.
    Glad you are settled in Denver and I hope you continue to post about you past experiences. HUGGLES!!

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  25. I am glad to know that they DO, in fact, serve and sell alcohol in Utah. However since 5 ounces of liquor is my drink minimum (I mean, come on!) I don't think I'd fare too well at the bars. :)

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  26. Hmmm...as I had friends growing up who were mormon (in NV), I never noticed all of these wacko things...until now....

    ~Becca

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  27. Let's not forget Sundays at IKEA in Salt Lake! I've never dreamed of having an IKEA all to myself before. That was amazing!

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  28. So, as a Mormon, I couldn't resist reading this. I actually wrote a post called, "You May NOT want to be a Mormon." Being LDS is a lot of work! I live in Utah now, but I grew up in Iowa and there is definitely a difference!

    Your post was cracking me up! Though if people made you feel like outsiders or were judgmental of you that's sincerely sad to me. I would never judge someone because they believed something different than me.

    And I might even smile at you at the grocery store, but only if I wasn't too busy snapping at my kids. :)

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  29. I just discovered this post 3 weeks before I'm moving to Utah, thank you for all this hilarious insight! We are preparing with vigilance :)

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I love you. You are my best friend! Your hair looks fantastic today!