Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Bachelor: The One Where Jake Poops Himself

You got me ABC.  I was wrapped up all snug in a blanket watching Brothers and Sisters with my husband on Sunday night...the only thing missing was a glass of wine that I can't have for 3.5 more weeks and a snuggie when a commercial for The Bachelor came on and Tenley said she was pregnant.  An audible gasp escaped my lips and I almost fell off from the couch.

Turns out that ABC was pulling a fast one.  You can see the deleted scene where Tenley tells Jake she's pregnant and then says Just Kidding!  I can't believe I fell for another one of ABC's tricks.  Well, played ABC...well played.

This episode made me laugh, cringe and cry.  I felt like Michele who claims that she not over-emotional or dramatic.  No, she's just effing crazy!  The show opens in the early morning, I'm guessing around 10am with all of the girls gathered in the living room without make up.  SCARY!!  We find out that Vienna is getting the first date and she's whisked away on a motorcycle.  Michele informs us that she feels that she is very attractive (doesn't own a mirror) and she can't believe that Jake would like Vienna and her sunken eye balls.

They arrive at the top of a mountain and a helicopter arrives and takes them to a bridge with a 300 foot drop to the bottom of a little creek.  Jake tells her that they are going to bungee jump....and that he is also afraid of heights.  They get strapped in and then Jake proceeds to have an inappropriate relationship with the bungee instructor.  So glad they got this one on tape....he's holding on to the guy for dear life and I thought he was going to faint in his arms.  If I were Vienna, I would have left immediately and hooked up with a producer because there is nothing romantic about seeing your date SHITE their pants on your date.

DING DONG!  Group date is announced, Love is No Laughing Matter...or Is It? Michele is upset that she wasn't chosen for a One on One date and pouts.  Meanwhile, back at the bridge...Vienna and Jake end up jumping and then share their first kiss.  Later, they drink wine and get into the hot tub and he gives her a rose.  As if he'd make her jump off from a bridge and then send her home.

Vienna comes home and tells everyone about her awesome date but leaves out the part about Jake soiling himself and the girls are all mad...they don't want to hear about it.  After kissing and telling she tells them that she doesn't kiss and tell and goes off to bed....alone, because no one will sleep in the same room with her.

Group date to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club.  DING DONG!  Ella gets a one on one date...Let's Lift Off To Another World.  The ladies are informed that they will be writing some jokes and then performing them infront of a live audience.  This was the most ridiculous date ever!  Most of them bombed except for Corrie.  She did impressions of some of the girls from the house...mostly Vienna which troubled poor Jake.  Elizabeth further confused Jake by performing a some raunchy jokes about dating boys from UTAH.  Michele made everyone uncomfortable including a fat guy in the audience.

At the after party...Tenley pulls him aside and tells him that she was married, cheated on and divorced. But...funny, doesn't mention being pregnant.  Ashleigh takes her turn with Jake and talks about Vienna and how if he likes her then she probably isn't the girl for him.  Jake is concerned about how negative everyone is about Vienna and admits that he doesn't know how to make all of these women happy.

All of the girls on the group date are cheering to Corrie for performing a public service and outing Vienna behind her back at the comedy club.  Michele refuses to join their Mean Girl Guild and insists that she is only here to get a husband.  She runs off to sit by herself and Jake joins her...reluctantly.  Here is how this went:

Crazy Ass Michele: I'm not over-emotional or dramatic...I just really, really, really want a husband!

Jake: I know!

CAM: I don't know if you feel the same way.

Jake: thinking....nope, I think you're a nutjob and I can't wait to get rid of you.

CAM: Would it be awkward if I asked if I could kiss you?

Jake: thinking...What happens if I don't kiss her?  He decides to kiss her and you can hear his lips pulling
away from the suction she has on him.

CAM: I have to leave....you didn't really kiss me.  You just pecked me and your lips where all pursed together.

Jake: Well...You've threatened to leave before....

CAM: I'll stay if you want me to.

Jake: Nope, It's better if you go right now...PRODUCER...get this bitch a cab please.
Michele is freaking out because he called her bluff and now she's being escorted to the curb. I swear I saw Jake flip off the cab as it pulled away!  Jake is shaken....announces that no one is getting the rose and leaves.

Ella's Date: 

They fly in a helicopter to Sea World, he tells her he has a birthday present for her and it's her little boy.  They have a great time and it was very touching to see Jake with her kid.  Jake says that he feels chemistry with her...Ella gets the rose. *note to self: get an orange shirt and a turquoise necklace...looks great together.*

Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party

Jake is very serious and intense tonight...tough decisions to make after a tough week.  He talks with Elizabeth and she asks him a hard question: Is he good at back rubs.  Jake calls her the Queen of Mixed Signals and tells her that she's been playing games with him with this no kissing business.  He thought it was for spiritual reasons but after her raunchy comedy routine and hatred of Utah boys, he thinks she's just a tease.  Vienna interrupts them before they can talk anymore and this infuriates the other girls who haven't had a chance to talk to him.

Elizabeth runs off to the bathroom crying because Jake is pressuring her to kiss him. (Yeah...that Jake is such a hard @ss)  Later, Jake talks to her some more and admits that they have a connection but....

Jake looks like he wishes one of those ABC helicopters would show up and take him far, far away!  He says this is not the fairy tale he was hoping for.

Rose Ceremony

Jake gets rid of Elizabeth, telling her that he had to go with his heart.  And Valisha who I don't recall him spending any time with.  She tells the camera that she's used to things not going her way....someone get this girl a copy of THE SECRET right away!!

So...on ABC's website they have an outtake of the girls talking about what happened with Rozlyn last week and Gia says that she knew what was going on and wishes she would have confronted her.  They also say that now they know why she never slept in her room and always slept on the couch.  Hmmm...that's rather interesting isn't it.

Dear ABC's The Bachelor, 

Are the ratings for this show really that bad that you have to trick people into watching it?  Maybe you should just skip to the end and show the finale next week since you sent home the crazy one and there's only so much drama that Vienna can cause.   Seems like you played all of your best cards already.

Your's Truly, 



Let's play a little game of Fill in the Bleep.  Elizabeth's Joke....Please help me figure out what the bleeps were.

I've traveled all over the country looking for love. I thought I found it in Utah. The guy had a big [bleep]... I mean, it was going well, but I got really exhausted, you know? I mean, I only have two [bleep].

Can't get enough Bachelor talk...Go see Mama Kat and read some more.


  1. I totally noticed Ella's shirt and necklace too, beautiful and it made her eyes look GREAT! So glad CAM is GONE! she was CARAZY! And Elizabeth, she was a tease, I was proud of Jake for sending her packing and Ali, who was once one of my fave's is kinda ugly when she is being catty. It's crazy how you can look beautiful on the outside until you open your mouth and then look ugly. Hmmm.... Loved your recap though! as always.

  2. Oh my goodness! I LOVE this post...and I LOVE your blog!! I surfed in via a comment you left on my last post. Thanks so much for popping by my little spot in the blogosphere. I'll definitely be back to read more of your posts! If it's okay with you, I'll add you to my blogroll!

  3. What was with drama when Vienna pulled Jake away from Elizabeth? The overreaction by the playmates was comical!! Have they never seen the show before. Isn't that the basic premise? He would rather talk to me than you....nanny nanny boo boo!!

  4. Ya, last night was crazy.

    MICHELLE IS CRAZY!! Oh.my.gosh. That girls seriously needs a shrink. Like, for reals. She is so creepy.

    Ali was one of my favorites too. But I'm not liking her cattiness. It seems to happen every season. One girl starts thinking they are the shizz, and a shoe-in, and then they start acting like they rule the roost & KNOW {Jake} better than anyone. And it's annoying as heck. I think she better back off, or she'll be packing her bags.

    And I'm SO glad Elizabeth is gone. She was one of the prettiest girls there, but she has no integrity. AND she totally misunderstood Jake. He was saying "You want me to kiss you. {Pause} You don't want me to kiss you." She replied, "Yes, I do." He was *asking* you, moron. He was saying that you're sending mixed signals. The only thing that she took from that entire conversation, and she was completely off, was that she thought Jake was trying to get her to kiss him. Ugh. She needs to get a clue.

    Love your recaps Con.

    I'm gonna start calling you Con. K?

  5. This is why I don't watch this show anymore. Too much crazy bitch drama and the fact that they have to trick people into watching!

  6. sweet mother of pearl this season is absolutely crazy and i LOVE it! poor vienna...she really caught the crap end of the stick, didn't she? and CAM is gonna go all stalker...watch...she's a psycho FREAK! and ali was pissin' me off. she needs to shut her pie hole and stop stirring the pot. jake needs to grow a pair. and i have NO clue what chick said in that joke! i couldn't figure out what the heck she was sayin!

  7. ok, I'm going to use my brilliant stand up skills here:


    read the "joke' again and see if that works

  8. Lol at the previous comment. Sounds right to me.

    Jake lost his wet washcloth status with me when he called Elizabeth out on her games. I SO thought that he was going to be a chump and go along with it.

    Getting rid of crazy also scored some points with me too. She was such a nutter.

    I don't know who I am pulling for yet. Tenley maybe. I totally thought about you when she didn't announce that she was pregnant! ABC totally got you Connie!

  9. Great recap as always :) My husband was pissed about the prego card that ABC played too (don't tell him I told you this). During that scene he said, "Here is where she tells him she's pregnant". When it didn't happen he was also very angry. :)

    I am so sad that CAM is gone...she was so much fun to watch! I do like Jake a little more for sending her home and not giving the comedy crew a rose...he does have a back bone! My husband things Ali shot herself in the foot by jumping on the "I HATE VIENNA" bandwagon. He said she should have just focused on Jake and not played into the drama and she probably would have been the one...now who knows :) I love that he watches this show with me and pretends to hate it but gets fired up and analyzes the crap out of it.

    As for Elizabeth's joke....I have NO Idea :)

  10. OK, Connie, I'm sorry, I can't even read your wrap-ups anymore. I don't even care enough about the show to read the post. I love ya, but enough of this horrible show.
    I did, however, LOVE your letter to ABC... I really think you should send it!!

  11. What a great resource!


I love you. You are my best friend! Your hair looks fantastic today!