The Thanksgiving Lizard!

This is the true story about a lizard and an old lady that beat me with her cane on Thanksgiving.

Calvin and I started dating in August 2003. We got a slow start to our relationship when he was deciding between me and two other women. He ultimately chose me after a chance encounter in an Evergreen bar but I was a little apprehensive because he was such a ladies man.

By mid-October, he had spent many nights at my apartment but I had not been to his. I was starting to think he was secretly married or homeless or was just not that into me. One night, we were talking on the phone and he said, 'SHIT, I just saw something scurry across my floor!' I was concern and asked him what it was. He said he didn't know. A few minutes later, he again shrieked like a little girl and said that a big green lizard had ran across the room.

He said it was about a foot and a half long and rather large! My heart sank. I was pretty sure that I had told him about my fear of snakes, lizards, spiders and clowns so I started thinking that this was his way of letting me down easy. Because I sure as hell wouldn't be hanging out in a lizard infested apartment!

Our relationship continued and he never mentioned the lizard again. He took me on a fishing trip to meet his parents and things were really progressing nicely. So nicely that he invited me to travel to Alamosa with his family for Thanksgiving. And we would be spending the night!

We were going to leave very early on Thanksgiving morning so I spent the night before at his apartment. I got up really early to do my hair and make-up since I would be meeting a bunch of Calvin's family. I was standing in his bathroom, blow drying my luscious blonde hair upside down to give it extra volume, when I stood up and out of the corner of my eye....I saw it.

THE LIZARD!

It was in the hallway just outside the bathroom door! I screamed and jumped up on the toilet, as Calvin came running to rescue me! He trapped it and put it in a box. And then he proceeded to laugh at me....up on the toilet in my bra and panties, hairdryer in my hand, pointed at the floor like a gun!

I didn't think it was very funny.

We went to Alamosa and I met about 30 members of his extended family. Including Aunt Eva. She was a very crabby, old lady. I was standing with a Coors Light in my hand, at a set of three steps that went from the family room to the dining room. Aunt Eva got up from her recliner and headed straight for me. I started trying to think of something nice to say and introduce myself...she stopped right in front of me and yelled something in spanish. I thought she was saying something very important and figured she was hard of hearing and that is why her volume was so HIGH. I told her that I didn't understand Espanol and she reached for my hand. The hand that was holding the cold Coors Light. I figured there must be more beers in the cooler so I said, 'oh Aunt Eva, do you want my cervesa? ' She yelled at me again and this time she smacked my leg with her cane a couple times! I jumped out of the way and saw what she was after.


She was reaching for a grab bar that she used to pull herself up the stairs. And I was leaning against it. The poor woman just wanted to use the bathroom! She was less than pleased that this chatty blonde was offering her a beer!

Have a wonderful and filling Thanksgiving!

Christmas in November

I used to be on the naughty list

I can't believe it. Only 29 more days until Christmas. I am so pleased with what I have gotten done this month.....ordered Letter's from Santa for both kids, planned my Thanksgiving menu, written the Holiday newsletter, bought more gifts from Amazon (free shipping folks) and got a bunch of things for Vincent to bring to the children. We have all of the ingredients for our holiday baking and we are looking forward to a tasty Thanksgiving meal.


I am most excited for something that I have been keeping a secret. But the invitations have been sent so I can talk about it now. Me and Mallory are hosting our very first Mother/Daughter Holiday Tea Party! I have always wanted to have a tea party and I cooked up this idea as a way to show my friends how much I love and appreciate them. I have been working hard on my menu and gathering items to make the party special.

This is the final push to get things done!

Christmas in November: To Do List

1. Decorate House!
2. Take Christmas picture of kids, order photos.
3. Make list of ingredients for Christmas Menu, start purchasing non-perishables.
4. Address, Stuff and Stamp 20 Christmas Cards a day for 5 days.
5. Purchase final Christmas Present.
6. Add baking days to calendar.
7. Complete Advent Calendar List of Activities.
8. Wrap Christmas Presents. Box up gifts to be mailed....Post on December 10th.
9. Prepare cookie gift boxes for hubby's co-workers.
10. Get a babysitter and go see Four Christmases with hubby.
    
11. Visit Santa
12. Buy lots of wine....
13. Enjoy the holiday's with my family!
    

Check back all through the month of December for all of the Elfcapades!

And don't forget about the Christmas Parade of Homes on December 15th.

The Love of a Sister

Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet. ~Vietnamese Proverb

The beautiful and talented Mallory is very affectionate. She likes to give and receive kisses.

Alex is two. Ever so often, he will give and receive kisses....but not very often. And especially not when he is very busy reading.

the good thing about picture books is that you can read them upside down too.

Poor tenderhearted Mallory...she becomes upset when her kisses are rebuffed.

But just look at that look in his eyes. He really does love you little sister.....

Mallory would like me to add a note here that she was having an off fashion day. Her Gymboree clothes were all in the wash and she was forced to either dress like Ronald Mc Donald or go naked. Thank you for your understanding.

To my little sister....

She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. ~ Barbara Alpert

Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of. You know whatever you do, they'll still be there. ~Amy Li

How do people make it through life without a sister? ~Sara Corpening

A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life. ~Isadora James

Feathering my Nest

A few months ago...on our 2 year anniversary in Utah, I finally put some pictures on the wall. In preparation for getting my house ready for the holidays I bought some vinyl clings made by a local Etsy store called Sticky Graffiti. I just love them and they make me so happy.

The Best Things in Life are Not Things.

This one is supposed to be for Christmas but I think I could leave it up year round...don't you think?

Peace Love Joy

I am going to have her make a custom cling for me with my favorite quote on it.

The days are long, but the years are short!

*********

I found a great Link Up that I want to participate in for the holidays. It is the Christmas Tour of Homes 2008! Here's what you do...post pictures of your decorations and traditions and also a favorite holiday recipe on your blog on December 15th....then go to Boo Mama's blog and link to your post. It will be so fun to see everyone's decorations and I'm always looking for new traditions and recipes. Join me in the fun!

Wordless Wednesday

**taken at a playdate last week....and so it begins, two young ladies mesmerized by Alex.

The Good Morning Guys!

I grew up in Greeley Colorado. It was a little farming community with a big smell, and at one time....I was a redneck! I listened to country music, I knew how to line dance and two step, I drove a gold Trans Am and a Dodge Power Wagon. I lived on a 600 acre cattle ranch, drank Old Milwaukee and I wore boots.

During this time, my favorite radio station was K99. In my early teen years, they played top 40 music and I would spend many a Saturday night dedicating songs to my current crush (it changed every couple weeks) and dancing in my room in front of a full length mirror. I had some rad moves!

In 1987, when I was 17 years old the format changed to country. And soon after, the comedic stylings of Brian and Todd would fill my mornings with laughter and entertainment. Brian and Todd aka The Good Morning Guys, were with me through my many jobs, my horrible husbands and I formed a bit of a relationship with them. Occasionally, I would call in when they were discussing a topic of interest or when I wanted them to shout out a Happy Birthday to my Mom.

In 1995, my Dad opened an FBO called Aquila Aviation at the Weld County Airport. It was a dream come true for my Dad....he rented and repaired airplanes and offered flying lessons. When he had his grand opening...he hired K99 to do a live remote and I was so excited when Todd showed up.

Look at Bobbi's awesome belt buckle!

The summer of 2000, before I left Greeley for the big city, I was at the Greeley Mall. I had just had my very first professional bra fitting at Victoria Secret and discovered that I was a D cup. To a redneck girl, this was thrilling news! As I was preparing to exit the mall I ran into Brian doing a live remote with a giveaway for tickets to see Clint Black at Cheyenne Frontier Days. He asked if he could interview me real quick and I said YES...I was so excited to be on the radio.

When we went live on the air he asked what I was doing at the mall and I said, 'I just had my b(.)(.)bs measured and I just found out I'm a D CUP!' Brian...being the comedian that he is, played along nicely and asked my husband's name. He then did a shout out to him, 'hey Dumbass (not his real name) Your wife is a D CUP!' A few days later, I would get a phone call saying that I won the Clint Black tickets...I don't think it was a coincidence. I think Brian liked my D Cups and threw all of the other entries out!

A month later, I would leave Dumbass and Greeley in my rear view mirror....never to return. I tried out other morning shows but no one ever took the place of my Good Morning Guys.

Last Tuesday, eight years later....I was sitting home watching TV. I could have been watching the CMA awards but I was three episodes behind on The Starter Wife. I got a text from Bobbi and she said that she had just seen Brian and Todd on the Country Music Awards and they won an award for Personalities of the Year!

I felt such happiness and pride....

Congratulations Brian and Todd for being selected CMA Small Market Personalities of the Year!

Interesting (or not) Tidbit: Amanda Peterson, who appeared opposite Patrick Dempsey in Can't Buy Me Love, was from Greeley and I once saw her at Target!

News from The North Pole

Part of what I love about being a Mom is getting to experience things with my kids for the first time. This year Alex will understand Christmas a little more and I can't wait to do all kinds of fun things to make it magical! I've been waiting for two years to enlist the help of a little friend of mine from The North Pole.

I decided it was finally time for me to adopt an Elf from Santa. To order your Elf-Magic, click here.

I submitted the necessary paperwork which included...my mission statement about Christmas, my favorite Christmas Song and a list of cookies I was going to bake this year. A few weeks ago, Mrs. Clauses nephew Buddy came by to do a home visit.

I am happy to say that we passed with flying colors and Vincent is scheduled to arrive in his little blue sleigh on December 1st! I will be posting about Vincent and his adventures at our house all through the month of December. Click here to see what our elves have been up to!

** ** ** ** **

You can't talk about News from the North Pole without talking about the most important piece of correspondence in December. Nope, I'm not talking about Christmas Cards or Holiday Newsletters.....I'm talking about a Letter from Santa!

I came across this fabulous website the other day where you can order a custom letter from Santa for your child for only $8. It is called North Pole Secretary, they have 8 wonderful letters to choose from. Each personalized letter contains your child's name, the city you live in, accomplishment from the year, two gift wishes, sibling and pet's names. There is also a section in the letter about the true meaning of Christmas. Santa also includes some news from the North Pole. AND as if all this wasn't enough...it will be postmarked from North Pole Alaska! How cool is that?

Order your letter's soon....Christmas is coming!




Photo Credit

Sad, Mad, Glad...

What I've got they used to call the blues
Nothin' is really wrong
Feelin' like I don't belong
Walkin' around
Some kind of lonely clown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.
~The Carpenter's

I read this post and remembered when I was talking to my sister the other day about what we do when we are feeling not so fresh. No wait, that was a different conversation. We were talking about when we are sad, or mad or well, glad and how we handle it.

Bobbi likes to shop. When life becomes a little too hard to handle...when a man has done her wrong, when her dog drags a potted tree through the house, when someone she loves disappoints her....she takes her frustrations out on a VISA card.


I like to eat. When life becomes a little too hard to handle....when my kids throw up or poop on me, when my hubby tells me I can't go to BlogHer 09, when I have to chew Dave's ass, when I got to Walmart and they are out of size 6 Huggies, when the hospital charges me two co-pays, when the end of the Young & the Restless is preempted so they can tell me it is snowing in Utah....I take it out on a bag of cookies.

And this would explain why my sister is so skinny and well dressed and I am a little on the chubby side.

How do you deal with stress/disappointment/happiness?

Photo credit...flickr

The Husband Tracker

Many years ago, when I was married to a loser who spent all our money on booze and cheated on me....I often thought that a tracking device would have really come in handy. It would have saved me many trips all over town looking for my good for nothing mate.

I am now married to the most wonderful man in the world! I always know where he is but sometimes...I would like to know just how close he is to arriving home so I can touch up my make-up and have his martini ready. Sometimes I just like to know what he is doing, besides thinking about me, during the day.



All of this can be yours with The Husband Tracker....aka Loopt! Loopt is an iPhone and Blackberry Application that lets you connect with your hubby/friends/family and see what they are doing. You can even send them pictures of what you are doing. You can find them on a map and you can send them comments. It is awesome! What I like is that I can Ping him and demand, I mean, request his location!


Ladies...this is not advertised as a Husband Tracker because, honestly your husband wouldn't buy it if he knew it was tracking his every move. So...this is our little secret. The only trick...and this shouldn't be too hard if your hubby is like mine and is in love with his iPhone, is getting him to update his activities. DO NOT COMPARE THIS TO TWITTER. Husbands' don't understand Twitter and they will run screaming from the room. Send him pictures of your b(.)(.)bs through out the day and he will be more than willing to update on his end.

WARNING: If you are going to send your beloved pictures of your...goodies. Don't invite your family & friends to be your 'friends'. They will also receive the picture. Just sayin.....
Here is a commercial that explains The Husband Tracker in more detail.

This priceless (seriously...it's free) application is FREE!

Get it today!

Mad Dancing Skillz

My daughter loves music. She will bounce and dance to just about anything. I am so thrilled that she inherited my dancing abilities and not Calvin's.

I did discover the other day that Mallory hates John Denver. Especially the song Sunshine On My Shoulders. I thought the poor girl was having a seizure. I do feel her pain. When I was growing up we used to go to a drive in for dinner almost every week. They also had inside dining with a player piano and a jukebox. There was one song on that thing that drove me crazy....I hated it with a passion. It was To All The Girls I've Loved Before by Willie Nelson. Being the kind and loving sister that she is, Bobbi would play that song every time. One time I think she used all of her allowance playing it over and over.

Here is a cute video of my kids dancing. I hope you find it as funny as I do. And if you don't...lie to me and tell me you like it. Thanks!

I'm a Katharine

Last week, Melody at Eternal Sunshine of an Empty Mind took a fun quiz. I love quizzes like there...especially when they are so spot on! If you want to know who you are...take the quiz here.

You Are A Katharine!

You are a Katharine -- "I am happy and open to new things"

Katharines are energetic, lively, and optimistic. They want to contribute to the world.

How to Get Along with Me
* Give me companionship, affection, and freedom.
* Engage with me in stimulating conversation and laughter.
* Appreciate my grand visions and listen to my stories.
* Don't try to change my style. Accept me the way I am.
* Be responsible for youself. I dislike clingy or needy people.
* Don't tell me what to do.

What I Like About Being a Katharine
* being optimistic and not letting life's troubles get me down
* being spontaneous and free-spirited
* being outspoken and outrageous. It's part of the fun.
* being generous and trying to make the world a better place
* having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures
* having such varied interests and abilities

What's Hard About Being a Katharine
* not having enough time to do all the things I want
* not completing things I start
* not being able to profit from the benefits that come from specializing; not making a commitment to a career
* having a tendency to be ungrounded; getting lost in plans or fantasies
* feeling confined when I'm in a one-to-one relationship

Katharines as Children Often
* are action oriented and adventuresome
* drum up excitement
* prefer being with other children to being alone
* finesse their way around adults
* dream of the freedom they'll have when they grow up

Katharines as Parents
* are often enthusiastic and generous
* want their children to be exposed to many adventures in life
* may be too busy with their own activities to be attentive

Who Ya Gonna Call?

This has to be one of the worst days I've had in a while. All of that drama this morning over my vote not counting and then my candidate didn't win. The good news is that I just found this article written by the Deseret News about voter fraud in Utah. I am going to call the FBI tomorrow and tell them my story.

Federal authorities said they will be out Tuesday, prepared to respond to election fraud and voting rights abuse complaints.

It is a federal crime to interfere with an election. Voter intimidation, bribery, malfeasance by election officials, qualifying fictitious people to vote, falsely claiming U.S. citizenship and voter coercion are all crimes. Federal laws also prevents people from denying the rights of voters, and protects the rights of voters to mark their own ballot in private.

On Tuesday, the FBI will have special agents available to handle complaints. The U.S. Attorney's Office for Utah can also take election fraud and voting rights abuse complaints at 801-325-3336.

And I think I will mail a copy of the article to Dave!

Voter Fraud in Utah

This morning, we have become victims of Voter Fraud! Calvin went to vote and discovered that we are not on 'the list'. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why because we registered to vote when we got our Driver's Licenses on October 2nd.

I called the Weber County Clerk's office and found out that when we marked the box that asked if we wanted to register to vote, the employee that helped us should have printed out something for us to sign, which would have been forwarded to the County Clerk. The woman I talked to said it is an ongoing problem with the Ogden Driver's License Division.

I called the Lt Governor's office and reported the problem. I emailed KSL 5, ABC4 & the Standard Examiner. I called CNN's hot line for voting problems and left a message.

Then I called Dave. Dave is the man in charge at the Ogden Driver's License Division. I told him what happened and explained how serious this is. He asked me what the person that helped us looked like. I told him that the situation is more serious than that. Because Calvin and I went to get our licenses 3 hours apart because we have small children. We were helped by TWO different people Dave. AT LEAST two different people in your office are not doing their job and NOT registering people to vote when they get their license. This is a serious problem!

Dave tried to blame the County Clerk. Seriously Dave? The County Clerk is responsible for YOUR employee not printing out a form for me to sign. And do you know what Dave said to that? He said...I said I was Sorry. Did you Dave? Are you sorry Dave? He said he tells them all the time to make sure to print those forms out. Dave. I think you need to do more than TALK to them. Do they understand english? Maybe someone should be fired Dave.

I told Dave that I would be calling him every two weeks for the rest of my life to make sure that he is staying on top of this. I also told him I was going to get a baby sitter and come in and test his employees once and a while. Dave told me to...Bring It On! Oh Dave, it's already been brought!

Let this be a lesson to all of you. This isn't just happening in Utah, it is happening everywhere! Don't bother registering when you get or renew your driver's license. Go directly to your County Clerk office. This is the only way to ensure that you're truly registered. Don't fall victim to Dave and his crappy management style.

You may be wondering why I am getting so worked up over this. Well, I take my right to VOTE very seriously, but more than that it is when something happens to me that I think is dead wrong and could happen to someone else....I have to speak up. I am not and have never been one of those people that just says, oh bother. I am a Tigger...not an Eeyore!

And so this concludes my attempts to like living in Utah. I have really been trying hard to like it here, but Utah isn't cooperating with me at all. It keeps giving me reasons to hate it. And since it looks like I won't be escaping this hell hole anytime soon...I am forming a new club.

The I Hate Utah Club.

Edited: To Add Dave's phone number....at Rachel's request!

801-476-7700

Are you looking for my ample bosom?

I often wonder....what brings some people to my blog. I like to check the key word searches because they can be very funny. Here are the ones from this week.


ample bosom colorado....from Lakewood, old boyfriend maybe?

hobo spiders for kids....I don't recommend hobo spiders as pets.

lawn spider nests....yes, they also live in your grass.

hobo spider identification, utah....apparently, I am a expert in hobo spiders

9 month old baby bit by hobo spider....oh lord, I hope not!

spiders out of biscuit dough....i'm sorry but these two things don't go together at all.

fun weekend trips with kids....highly recommended as long as lots of alcohol is involved.

skits about attitude adjustment...not sure about this one...I have never done a skit in my life.

carved pumpkins with pacifier...I would have to recommend a knife and not a pacifier for this job.

the three bears what really happened...I really don't know what happened. I'm not Goldilocks!