Friday, November 23, 2012

FrankenTurkey

Gratitude turns what we have into enough. ~ Melody Beattie

It was just going to be the four of us for Thanksgiving this year and iKeith was going to smoke a turkey again and he hates leftover turkey.

I happen to LOVE leftover turkey sandwiches with cranberry sauce on white bread.  YUM!

I went to the store on a Sunday afternoon which is ill advised.  It's the church crowd all dressed up and smelling like mothballs.

There were numerous older gentlemen standing around the frozen turkeys, painstakingly looking at lists which I'm sure had very detailed instructions on them.  I don't even want to think about what happens if they bring home the wrong turkey!

I really didn't want a frozen turkey.  I'm not afraid to spend a little bit a cash on my turkey to get a fresh bird.  Which is obvious by the amount I paid for last years organic, happily raised, gently killed health food store turkey.  See...two years ago,  I tried to embrace my inner tree hugger and then I realized that bitch is crazy!

Bygones.

I was looking for a 10 pound turkey and I didn't care how it was raised.  And I was in a hurry to get out of the store with my extremely full cart.



The closest I found was a 7 pound fresh bird for $18.  SOLD!

Fast forward to Wednesday night when Keith was preparing his brine.  I was enjoying a little Charlie Brown and Cabernet.  Keith came over to the couch and informed me that our turkey was missing a few things.

Things like wings, legs and a heart!

I ran to the kitchen because I had to see this for myself and I had to avert my eyes.  It was so terrible that I decided against sharing a picture of this sad, sad bird.  There are no words to describe it.

Our turkey was a quadruple amputee!

I was puzzled and my husband was concerned that I've been hitting the bottle a little too much.  I mean, how else does a Martha Stewart wanna-be like myself come home with a turkey like this.  I went through the stages of grief pretty quickly, especially when our daughter disolved into tears because all she wanted for Thanksgiving was a turkey leg.

Being the amazing father that he is....Keith ran to the store to search for turkey extremities!  It was much like running to the store on Christmas Eve looking for a Tickle Me Elmo.

He came home with two thighs and 20 little turkey drumettes.

And now we had a FrankenTurkey!

Yesterday, we could laugh about it.  I decided it really is true.  God never gives you more than you can handle.  My sister pointed out that I should be careful who I share this story with because some people might say we are racist because our turkey only had white meat!

A Republican Thanksgiving?

Say it isn't so!

Disclaimer:  I do not mean to offend quadruple amputees, real racists, liberals and tin men everywhere.  I also mean no harm to old people and controlling old bitties that make lists and beat their husbands.  My apologies to Martha Stewart and blondes for making them look bad on Thanksgiving.

And a big thank you to God....for not giving me more turkey than we could handle! 

Amen!


I told them...if any one of you looks at the camera, NO PIE FOR YOU!

14 comments:

  1. That family pic (minus you) is classic! We had regular birds, but also had oyster stuffing. It was....eh..um....OK. And I'm a big fan of oysters.

    I was also drunk before 2pm. I was cut off when someone on the couch was talking about their gay cleaning man and how he cleans their drawers for them. I honestly couldn't tell if they meant dresser drawers or underwear drawers (we ARE in Kentucky afterall). I laughed so hard I was crying uncontrollably and was promptly cut off.

    I couldn't help it that when people asked what I wanted to drink, I said "anything that rhymes with wine." Apparently that lead to a number of people providing me with liquid libations in a short period of time b/c they all wanted to be part of the rhyming game.

    Hope you enjoyed your day of Thanks!! We truly did.

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    1. Oh Jessica!

      I love that you were drunk pants by 2pm. I was working on it but just never got there. I think it was because I ate ALL DAY LONG!

      I clean Keith's drawers. You figure out which ones!

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  2. Hahahaha! We on the other hand had a 22 lb bird that wouldn't ever finish cooking. Dinner was two hours late. Oh well, we had plenty of wine and appetizers.

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    1. I can't even imaging cooking a bird that big!

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  3. haha sounds like our house something always goes wrong at the holiday

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  4. OMG. Connie. This post makes me laugh so much!! Poor turkey. Poor Connie! I would have been traumatized for life!!

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  5. I feel fairly certain that the cart would have collapsed from the weight had your bird had legs, so you really dodged a bullet on this on, on many levels.

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    1. Ah Stacie....finding the bright side!

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  6. Frankenturkey! HA! Sounds like a perfect thanksgiving in my book

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  7. This is too funny. I laughed out loud and even snorted when I read this.
    I adore your photo and caption.
    Glad you ended up having a great day.

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  8. Lol! Okay totally laughing. And what in the world happened to your bird?? That is the craziest thing ever! I think you bird was meant to be pieced and got put in the wrong pile halfway through

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  9. Ohmigosh -- that's a hilarious story!

    We did our first natural turkey this year. But ours had legs (neener-neener).

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