Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Bachelorette: Unicorns, Butterflies and Rainbows

Can someone please tell me when The Bachelorette turned into a horror movie? I spent 2 hours last night covering my eyes and ears. In fact, I think my daughter's ears started bleeding as she yelled...No More Singing!

I'm not going to do the usual recap. I'm just going to address some things I saw and I'd like to ask you one question...What kind of crazy crap would you do to fall in love?

Dear ABC,

I'm guessing by the Calendar, InStyle Photo Shoot and the appearance of singers we've never heard of that you got tired of these bachelor's trying to further their own careers and decided it would be better to make a buck and sell them yourself. If Wes appears in a future episode to sing to someone...then you will be dead to me. I'm serious.

Dear Kasey,

I can't understand a word you say. All this talk of unicorns and butterflies really freaks me out. When you sing...my ears bleed and I still can't understand what you're saying but mostly because you make no freakin sense. Even Ali looked confused and I've pegged her as a decent actress. Every time you say...Wow! This is insane. I think WOW, Kasey is INSANE! My last straw with you was when you went to get a Tattoo. Once again your words where muffled and I thought you had selected the field over a fart tat. (for those of you NOT watching...he got a Shield Over a Heart Tatto on his wrist) The one you ended up with isn't any better.  I have to admit I was really surprised when you got the rose.  Please don't sing anymore....I'm all out of seizure meds.

P.S. You looked like a flesh colored crayon at the rose ceremony.
P.P.S. Frank totally saved your ass and kept you from showing your tat.
P.P.P.S. You should probably be nervous that Ali sent home the guy with tats.
P.P.P.P.S. If this doesn't work out...you should hook up with Michele from Jake's Season.

Translation: I'm going to guard and protect your heart.

Dear Ty,

You really impressed me with your dancing and singing.  You were really putting your all into it and I'm sorry that you didn't win the competition.  The good news is that you didn't have to wear that ridiculous diaper looking thing and RoBEARTo did.

Dear RoBEARto,

How lucky was it that you thought to sing to Ali instead of singing to the director or the camera during the Lion King audition.  It's unfortunate that you had to wear that big diaper looking thing but you still looked hot.

P.S. I love you.

Dear Future Bachelors,

Please don't wear a plaid shirt unless you are a farmer or live in the country. Thanks.

Dear Justin,

Since you didn't get a date this week you should have gone to get your hair trimmed.  It's getting out of control and I thought maybe someone gave you a swirly.

P.S. Way to stir up sh!t....don't you feel badly now since Krazy Kasey considers you a brother and gave you a rock on his tattoo.

Dear Frank,

Even though you can't sing or dance, I still like you.  Please get contacts.  Thanks.

P.S. Taking a sick girl outside in the rain and wind to talk...not a great idea.

Dear Chris N,

Are you mute or something? Why are you here? 

Dear Craig,

I finally figured out who you remind me of and it's not helping me like you. I think you look like Paul Giamatti.

Dear Kirk, 

You are going to make a great husband someday but you lost a couple points with me when you kissed Ali when she was sick. You should learn the soft kitty song.

Dear Chris L, 

Happy Birthday!  You were a good sport about having your date in Ali's suite since she was sick and bringing soup and flowers was a great idea!  I'm glad she felt better later and was able to go out for a bit.  I'm disappointed that Ali didn't pull an Oprah and have your Dad on the show instead of just calling him.

P.S. You are a bad kisser.

Dear Weatherman, 

Your weather references were killing me and I'm going to miss them.  I think you are like the wind...pesky, annoying and likely to mess up my hair.   In the future, I'd suggest less gossiping/shrieking/singing/guitar playing and more talking.

P.S. If you are still looking for love and not out of the closet...Bobbi likes you.

Dear Ali, 

I thought you got new clothes for New York.  The only difference I saw was was that you exchanged your rolled up jeans (thank god) for cute boots and your tank tops for jackets.  I loved your black pantsuit.  Even though I am boycotting InStyle Magazine for false advertising...I'm going to buy the July issue.  I hope you feel better.

P.S. Let's just pretend that Lion King outfit didn't happen.

Dear Jesse, 

I hope everything works out with you and your cows. Milk's not free....

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!


  1. He kept going "I'm going to guard and protect your heart" and I kept yelling "MOM MAKE IT STOP. GUARD AND PROTECT MY EARS!" every time he sang. I'm with your daughter on that one. make it stoooooooooop. That man cannot sing. He doesn't have a good voice. HIS LYRICS ARE CRAP. Oh lord. I'm scarred for life. and to sing such crap in one of my favorite places EVER is just wrong. I love the museum of natural history. I was hoping the big elephant would come alive and eat him.

    Agreed on Ty. and Roberto. That man is hot. and his mocking of weatherman is better than actual weatherman's weather crap.

    Also the weatherman is trying to get Justin to become "the wrestler" so he's not the only one with a nickname...

  2. Sad to say that I even forgot it was on last night -- and I'm not even disappointed. I gave up on this show the week of the beach photo shoot. The speedos just grossed me out!

    I'll still peek in from time to time, but I'll definitely be back to read your blog on Tuesday mornings! ;-)

  3. I have tears coming down my face from reading this!!!

    I swear, I DO think Chris N is mute - what the heck? We've YET to hear this man talk & he beat our Jessie? The hottest guy on there? May be a little quiet & country - but I'd live on a farm with the singing, tattooed hunk!

    Kasey is INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I cant believe he got through.. & I cant believe he sings randomly. I was like, Is this Elf?

    I about peed on myself when Kirk said, "We need one more singer on this show". hahahhahaha!!!!!

    And Chris L... geez - easy guy - I thought the same thing - a little aggressive kisser, is he? Hold back a tad before you break Ali's teeth!

  4. LOL, I think this is your best bachelorette recap yet! Through out the entire show I kept think, "AWKWARD!!!" evertime Kasey's face was mummbling. Seriously the singing, the talking, the tatoo, he scares me and I about pee'd in my pants a little when you said he should hook up with Michelle from last season- CLASSIC!!! and so true! If Ali would have seen his tat he would have left last night! Basically I have my final two picked out, I want Roberto and Chris (the one who's Mom passed away) They are normal and fun and If she sends either of them home she's c.r.a.z.y. I also agree with everything you said about her clothes. I thought they had stylists helping you in this department, either she doesn't have them, or they are really bad, her hair needs some help too. And the lion king outfit, SO BAD! Okay, I'm done ranting. :) Loved your post, and tell Bobbi that I am so sorry that the weatherman is gay!

  5. I tried so hard to watch it but after 5 minutes I was bored out of my mind! I think I will continue as a non watcher

  6. Who needs to watch it when I have you to recap? THANKS! :)

    Srsly- I'm going to try to catch it NEXT week. If not, DEFINITELY the week after (Matt's going to Korea!)

  7. Sorry if I woke up your kids last night after screaming when Kasey got the final rose. I can't believe the mumbler got through!

    And y'all The Weatherman is NOT gay! He's a straight gay man, thankyouverymuch.

    And P.S. Connie...thanks for getting me hooked on this show again....(insert sarcasm here)

  8. Connie, I am so glad I forgot to watch last night. I loved your recap though.

    Hope Bobbie's guy gives her a call.

  9. Kasey was killing me from embarrassment last night! I was seriously hiding under my blanket and peeking out a hole. What is his malfunction?! He's going to be her stalker...Krazy Kasey the Tattooed Stalker. I love Justin the wrestler. I know the guys give him a hard time, but he's really cute and really sweet. I think he'll be around for a while. Thank you for saying that Chris L is bad kisser...I was so thinking the same thing. He was like putting his lips around her entire mouth...maybe he hasn't had much experience. He seems so sure of himself until he's faced with an intimate situation, then not so much. I'm glad the weatherman is gone...he was making me have anxiety from all of his anxiety. Plus, he's just awkward...totally easy to see why he doesn't have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Chill out, dude.

    Can't wait until next Monday! I'm loving this season so far.

  10. The Weatherman ... he's totally Tom Cruise!!!

    And I can't believe you like Frank! I get the crazy stalker vibe from him. Same for Krazy Kasey. He's like Kelly from RHONY ... OFF HIS ROCKERS INSANE.

    I am shocked to admit that I think I like Roberto the most. I like Ty too. They seem like normal, NOT INSANE, nice guys. You are so right about Chris N.! I was shocked she kept him. I don't think we've heard him say one word!!??

    Love your recap ... still wished we lived next door to each other. These shows are so much better with someone else watching with me!!! :o)

  11. Every time I read your reviews it makes me wish I was watching the show, JUST so I can enjoy this post that much more. :)

  12. I love Chris L! He seems so sweet...Roberto is yummy, though.
    That's funny - you see Paul Giamatti, and I see nerdy Vin Diesel with bad hair.

  13. Connie, wasn't sure if you knew this or not, I just found out myself. But the new show "Bachelor Pad" is going to have both....dun dun dun.... the Weatherman and Crazy Michelle from Jakes season on it, I can't wait to watch all the drama! LOL

  14. LOL - so funny! I seriously don't understand how this show is on. But she does seem like a nice girl.


  15. so glad that you picked up on that Chris was a bad kisser. I had to gasp it was so bad. Plus...the mad needs some chapstick. He should stay away from Weatherman's cherry lip balm or whatever he uses to keep his lips rosey red. But a little chapstick would do Chris some good.

  16. Kasey is such a d-bag! And I also thought it looked like Chris was a bad kisser...too bad I like him. Yes, I am still watching!

  17. Love your review. First time I've watched the Bachelorette and I'm enjoying it. I never got into the Bachelor, it just annoyed me all these women waiting around for the guy to ask them out on a date. Somehow the reverse seems a lot more fun. I was kind of sad to see the country guy with the tatoos go. That man could sing! I loved how when he left he said Ali's great but he couldn't wait to get home to see his dogs.

    My favorite guys - Roberto and Frank.

  18. I may or may not have seen the bachelorette for the first time last week. I'm pleading the 5th.


I love you. You are my best friend! Your hair looks fantastic today!