Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Bachelor: Torn Between Three Lovers

Have I told you lately how much I can't wait for this show to be over?  I like Jake but he is so freakin boring and I dislike Vienna soooo much.  I cringe through most of the show.  This week I was able to watch it live since my favorite shows were repeats because of the Olympics.  I checked twitter a few times and NO ONE was tweeting about it.  Not even Trista Sutter.

This weeks show takes place in Saint Lucia and will include lots of pretend shocked facial expressions when the fantasy cards appear.  Why do they always act surprised?   We started the show with poor heartbroken Ali sitting in a hotel room in San Fransisco with 8X10's of Jake printed off the ABC website next to her bed, crying about having to leave Jake.  She loves her job but her life is without love.

The first date belongs to GIA.  Jake is hoping that she can move past her old relationships and move forward with him...at least for the day.  They decide to take a boat to some shops because he wants to see her in her natural element.  They buy coconut drinks and Jake tries to dirty dance with her in the street.  This poor man has not an ounce of rhythm and seeing that probably killed any chance he had of getting laid.  Jake also tried to fist bump a street musician who thought Jake was trying to punch him in the face.  Luckily, someone quickly taught him the secret handshake so Jake could seem cool the next time they encountered a local.

They end the evening at Smuggler's Cove...a beautiful spot on the beach with candles and a giant hammock.  Jake wants to take care of her and make her feel safe....at least for today.  Jake tells GIA a bunch of crap that makes her think he is deep.  This is probably because Hockey players don't talk about their feelings and cry like Jake does.  Jake tells her that he is falling for her....at least for today.  Gia accepts the Fantasy Card and says she's ready to go all the way.  They arrive at their love nest and get into a bubble bath.  My 2 year old was watching this with me and she wanted to know why they were taking a bath.  I told her they were dirty.  

Tenley arrives at the airport for her date and then gets to go on a tour of the island.  Jake enjoys watching her excitement and is happy that they agree on so many things...like marriage and family.  The copter drops them off at a rainforest and they have a picnic and then go exploring.  She loves every little thing about Jake and he wants to have a boy crush on his wife for 20 years.

They go to a black sand beach and frolic in the surf.  Tenley is worrying about the Fantasy Card that is coming because this is her chance to mention her ex-husband and the fact that she hasn't been with any other men since him.  Tenley decides to throw all caution to the wind and accepts the card.  Jake dances with her and she tells him she wants to dance with him forever.  She trusts him with her heart and he can see she'd make an amazing wife.

Slutty Vienna meets Jake at the marina and they board the real Pirates of the Caribbean boat.  Jake puts on an eye patch and then closes the wrong eye...dork.  Then he and Vienna take turns licking each other.  GROSS!  Jake admits that he enjoys her immaturity. Cue On the Wings of Love music. GAG! They climb the mast and make out...now they are are over their fear of heights and then they jump off from the boat into the water.  Jake needs to make sure that what they have isn't just sexual.  Vienna tells him that she wants to be a Mom but not right away.  Then he asks her what kind of ring she wants.

They arrive at the Fantasy Suite and she wants to show Jake that she can be elegant so she slips into a while satin nightie.  And then I threw up.

The Phone, the phone is ringing! 

Ali is on the phone....and she's a mess. She's made a wrong choice and she's sorry for what she put him through. And she wants to come back.  He tells her he was falling for her in San Francisco but she broke his heart there so he left it in the trash.  Plus, he just got done sleeping with the three remaining girls so he's so not in love with her anymore.

Ali can't beleive that his feelings have changed in such a short amount of time and she slumps onto the floor.  Jake thanks her for calling....bye.  Why does she sit on the floor everytime Jake makes her cry?

Rose Ceremony

Jake has fallen in love with all three womens. But he picks Tenley and Vienna to meet his family.

Next week:  The Women's Tell All!


  1. Jake is SO good looking but he is SUCH a massive dork. I just can't stand it. Nice, absolutely. But his cool-factor is in the negatives.

    And the dree Vienna had on at the RC looked like something off the rack in the juniors department at JC Penney. From 1995.

  2. Yup, I am now convinced this show is not for me.

  3. I don't watch the show but I LOVE your recaps!!

  4. Ok Connie, I don't watch this show but your description of it has me LMFAO! Don't you just love "reality" tv! BTW, everytime my hubby makes me cry I slink to the floor too... NOT! LOL!

  5. ok, I agree, so boring this season :( I feel bad for talking you into watching it. Even worse is that I don't really like any of the girls, Tenley is whiney and annoying with her squealy voice, Vienna sleazy, Gia too soft spoken and I don't have any real thoughts of her just that she's boring. And Ali, although I liked her the first 2 episodes, I can't stand her now, so if ANY of those four are picked to be the bachelorette I will barf and probably not watch, or secretly watch and be annoyed the whole season. Anyhoo, just my two cents. Hope you're having a fabulous day!

  6. I love your overview, Connie! Each week it makes me more relieved that I haven't wasted time actually watching the show ;) Your view is so much funnier!

  7. I love your account of last nights events. I kept laughing last night thinking of your drinking game...soo funny!

  8. how do you fall in love with three women..what a joke..vienna,,gross barf.

  9. Love your recaps Connie! Did you do the drinking game last night? How is your first - or second day back on the plan?


  10. I'm so glad you watch this so I don't have to... I don't think it'd be nearly as good as your interpretation. I hope he doesn't end up with that horse faced Vienna. Yuck. And it's pretty gross that they're all taking turns with him, knowingly. Ick ick ick!

    Perhaps that's why the producers saved slutty Vienna for last, to save the other 2 from whatever she carries?? Just saying...

  11. I read your recap before watching my taped episode. Dear Lord ... the licking part made me almost lose my dinner. GROSS! I don't get what he sees in Vienna. I used to really like Tinley but she is getting to be too much. All this "forever" and "dance with you always" ... okay, got it! STOP TALKING about it now!! It's coming off as pushy. I'm not surprised he sent Gia home. After the "card" reading her mom gave Jake, I thought there was no way he would marry into that family.

    I've never been able to sit through a whole Batchelor episode w/o fast-forwarding through parts. This season seems to take the cake on that. I like Jake ... I'd rather have a some-what dorky guy than a smooth talker ... but please no more on-screen dancing! Ackkk ... It looked like me trying to dance. Not good.

  12. By the way, they aren't really having sex that night together, right??? I mean, that would be totally gross to sleep with a guy you KNOW is dating/kissing two other women. I just kept thinking that Tinley would say something like ... yes, I'll spend the night with you but no sex. If that was me, I would want to make that clear to the him and to whoever is watching.

  13. I went to bed during the Vienna date. I refuse to lose precious sleep anymore over this stupid show. He is going to pick Vienna and that will make me vomit. I thought Jake was different (dorky but different) but he isn't, he is going to pick the slut! YUCK :)


I love you. You are my best friend! Your hair looks fantastic today!