The Bachelorette: Unicorns, Butterflies and Rainbows

Can someone please tell me when The Bachelorette turned into a horror movie? I spent 2 hours last night covering my eyes and ears. In fact, I think my daughter's ears started bleeding as she yelled...No More Singing!

I'm not going to do the usual recap. I'm just going to address some things I saw and I'd like to ask you one question...What kind of crazy crap would you do to fall in love?

Dear ABC,

I'm guessing by the Calendar, InStyle Photo Shoot and the appearance of singers we've never heard of that you got tired of these bachelor's trying to further their own careers and decided it would be better to make a buck and sell them yourself. If Wes appears in a future episode to sing to someone...then you will be dead to me. I'm serious.

Dear Kasey,

I can't understand a word you say. All this talk of unicorns and butterflies really freaks me out. When you sing...my ears bleed and I still can't understand what you're saying but mostly because you make no freakin sense. Even Ali looked confused and I've pegged her as a decent actress. Every time you say...Wow! This is insane. I think WOW, Kasey is INSANE! My last straw with you was when you went to get a Tattoo. Once again your words where muffled and I thought you had selected the field over a fart tat. (for those of you NOT watching...he got a Shield Over a Heart Tatto on his wrist) The one you ended up with isn't any better.  I have to admit I was really surprised when you got the rose.  Please don't sing anymore....I'm all out of seizure meds.

P.S. You looked like a flesh colored crayon at the rose ceremony.
P.P.S. Frank totally saved your ass and kept you from showing your tat.
P.P.P.S. You should probably be nervous that Ali sent home the guy with tats.
P.P.P.P.S. If this doesn't work out...you should hook up with Michele from Jake's Season.

Translation: I'm going to guard and protect your heart.

Dear Ty,

You really impressed me with your dancing and singing.  You were really putting your all into it and I'm sorry that you didn't win the competition.  The good news is that you didn't have to wear that ridiculous diaper looking thing and RoBEARTo did.

Dear RoBEARto,

How lucky was it that you thought to sing to Ali instead of singing to the director or the camera during the Lion King audition.  It's unfortunate that you had to wear that big diaper looking thing but you still looked hot.

P.S. I love you.

Dear Future Bachelors,

Please don't wear a plaid shirt unless you are a farmer or live in the country. Thanks.

Dear Justin,

Since you didn't get a date this week you should have gone to get your hair trimmed.  It's getting out of control and I thought maybe someone gave you a swirly.

P.S. Way to stir up sh!t....don't you feel badly now since Krazy Kasey considers you a brother and gave you a rock on his tattoo.

Dear Frank,

Even though you can't sing or dance, I still like you.  Please get contacts.  Thanks.

P.S. Taking a sick girl outside in the rain and wind to talk...not a great idea.

Dear Chris N,

Are you mute or something? Why are you here? 

Dear Craig,

I finally figured out who you remind me of and it's not helping me like you. I think you look like Paul Giamatti.

Dear Kirk, 

You are going to make a great husband someday but you lost a couple points with me when you kissed Ali when she was sick. You should learn the soft kitty song.

Dear Chris L, 

Happy Birthday!  You were a good sport about having your date in Ali's suite since she was sick and bringing soup and flowers was a great idea!  I'm glad she felt better later and was able to go out for a bit.  I'm disappointed that Ali didn't pull an Oprah and have your Dad on the show instead of just calling him.

P.S. You are a bad kisser.

Dear Weatherman, 

Your weather references were killing me and I'm going to miss them.  I think you are like the wind...pesky, annoying and likely to mess up my hair.   In the future, I'd suggest less gossiping/shrieking/singing/guitar playing and more talking.

P.S. If you are still looking for love and not out of the closet...Bobbi likes you.

Dear Ali, 

I thought you got new clothes for New York.  The only difference I saw was was that you exchanged your rolled up jeans (thank god) for cute boots and your tank tops for jackets.  I loved your black pantsuit.  Even though I am boycotting InStyle Magazine for false advertising...I'm going to buy the July issue.  I hope you feel better.

P.S. Let's just pretend that Lion King outfit didn't happen.

Dear Jesse, 

I hope everything works out with you and your cows. Milk's not free....

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