My Last Text to my Brother

On July 7th last year, we were winding down the holiday weekend and Keith grilled ribs.  We were sitting on the patio, enjoying the beautiful weather and a bottle of wine.  I was admiring my basil plants and swatting bugs away from my wine.

I came up with a genius solution to my bug problem without having to go into the house for a stopper.

I knew that my brother would appreciate my ingenuity so I texted him a picture.

I titled it Ghetto Wine Cork.

I didn't get a response.  

I didn't think much of it because he had recently moved to a beautiful new townhome and I was sure he was very busy setting up his place.

What I didn't know is that he was dead. 

It's been a year today and my brain still can't accept it.  I don't think I ever will.

I miss you Rob.

5 Stages of Grief

Until you're lost someone, you don't really understand the 5 stages of grief.

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

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Depression

Acceptance

I've filled multiple pages of a notebook telling Robert how I feel and I think I'll keep this notebook to write letters to him when I wish I could call him up.  He's going to miss so many things....but mostly, watching his niece and nephew grow up.

The grief of children is also an interesting thing to observe.  Memories or thoughts about Robert have hit them when we least expect it.  I suppose this will happen for a long time and I hope to keep his memory alive for them.  We're already making plans to celebrate Robert's birthday and I'll have to come up with something for Christmas.  Anyone have any ideas for me?

Nine Years

On Saturday, I told someone that it feels like we're been married for 20 years.  She took it wrong....like I meant our marriage had been long and tedious, but that's not what I meant.

I feel like I've known Keith my entire life....like he's always been here holding my hand and snoring while we sleep.  We know each other so well that we often are thinking the same thing and finish each other's sentences.

I think the real test of a marriage is how you handle crisis.  I can tell you that the events of last week strengthened our already strong bond and we're more in love today than we've ever been before.  I know our love will stand the test of time because we are a team and we support each other.  Most importantly, we love like it could be our last day.

A last note about this photo.  The person on the other side of the camera....was Robert.  I wish I knew what he said to get this response from us....as you can see, it was hysterical!

Pieces of Robert

I feel like I need to apologize for all of these sad posts.  You guys know I'm an upbeat and fun loving gal but this pain and grief is weighing on me...hard.  Please don't leave me....I'm sure I'll be back to the funny soon.  In fact, I've got a funny story about the funeral if you can believe that.  Of course you can...it's me we're talking about here.

My kitchen and living room are full of Robert's things.  Keith brought another load home last night and now I'll have little touches of Robert everywhere.  His beautiful cat has adopted me...funny how that works and I'm now his person.  I think he sees the resemblance to Rob in Keith and stares him down hoping to hear his voice.

Meet André

I have another story for you.  This one makes my heart happy.  One of Robert's closest friends is Ron.  Ron is 69 years old and has spent his whole life on the stage!  In face, he choreographed the last play that Robert and I saw together last November.  Two days before he died Rob asked Ron to make him a new bracelet with red in it.  Ron finished the bracelet 15 minutes before he got the call about Robert.

On Sunday, when we were packing up Rob's house....Ron came up to Keith and put the bracelet on him and told him that it was meant for Robert. Keith, who is not a friendship bracelet kind of guy...is wearing it proudly!

Keith is back to work today and we're trying to return to our normal lives.  I still can't believe Robert is gone and feel like he could call me at any moment and make me laugh. What I do know, is that his spirit lives on....and that makes me happy!

The Broken Chair

Robert's service was really lovely.  There was a large turnout and several people spoke, including a woman he'd only worked with for the last three months.  This is how Robert touched people!  I'm proud of the obituary I wrote.  I figure it was the most important thing I've ever written.  You can read it here.  I also made a video, here.

Yesterday was a hard day. Robert had just moved to Aurora a few weeks ago and had bought new furniture, dishes, bedding and towels.  Walking into his home was like walking into a model home!  He really did have such great taste.  We had to go through all of his belongings, decide what we each wanted to keep and what to sell.  The kids each selected something from the house that reminded them of Uncle Robert and even though my largest momento is his cat André (seriously...he weighs 13 pounds)...I found a few things.

We brought everything home and started putting some of the items in the basement storage closet.  But first we had to move out two of the extra chairs for the dining room table.  Once we had kids we bought two extra chairs so that everyone would have a seat when we had family dinners.  When our family was all together there were always 8 of us.

I started to pull one of the chairs out of the little dark closet and it fell apart in my hands.  The back completely fell off!  I've moved this chair a dozen times in the last 3 years and it was always sturdy.  I carried it to the dumpster and as I laid it inside I realized that this was likely Robert's chair and we didn't need it anymore.  Big tears rolled down my face as I let go of the chair.  Robert will never sit at my table again.

A Sad Day

A week and a half ago, my brother-in-law Robert stopped by our apartment.  He was moving from a place a mile away, to Aurora, a good 45 minutes away.  He wanted us to have something that he'd been saving.  A bottle of Champagne from our wedding.

I didn't know that would be the last time we would see him.

Yesterday, we got the call that he had died of a suspected heart attack and now we are planning a funeral.  We're heartbroken.  Please keep my family in your prayers as we deal with the aftermath and find a new normal without Robert.