Trials and Tribulations of Potty Training

I'm concerned about my parenting abilities. If I can't teach my children to PEE....what hope do I have of teaching them the important things in life? After a stressful week I began looking at preschools because I'm obviously not cut out for this. Those hopes were then dashed when Calvin* iKeith informed me that I would have to pay for preschool with my household budget and I'm not really a pork and beans kind of gal so I guess I will have to learn to school my children myself.

It seems as if I have been potty training for months. Hundreds of dollars have been spent on bribes in the hopes that my kid would POOP FOR THOMAS. That worked like a charm until the toys ran out. There was the hatred of underwear which then results in a trip to Wal-Mart to let the kid pick out his own undergarments.

I've tried everything....stickers, treats and letting him just run neeked through the house. This actually is the only thing that worked but he can't Donald Duck it forever. As much as I want him to love his body....I can't let him run around in his birthday suit in public. At some point that should get you arrested.



Mallory joined in the fun last week...telling me that she wanted to use the potty. What she really meant by that was that she wanted to drive me insane and create a giant pile of laundry. Three days of training her and she never once went in the potty. She did however, pee on the floor and then blame it on the dog.

Before we went on vacation....Alex was doing pretty well. Not great but he was making progress. I didn't want to push the training because we would be on vacation and not bringing the chair. I figured we would pick up where we left off when we returned. I figured wrong.

Bobbi brought some Potty Training Propaganda home from work and I read it and confirmed that my child is RESISTING potty training. And it's all my fault....because my child has been reminded and lectured too much. They recommended that I put him in his underwear and then pretend like I don't give a hoot if he uses the potty. Don't ask him if he needs to go and just go about my business. If he soils his pants, quickly change into CLEAN underwear and not bring up the accident. They claim that reminders are a form of pressure and he will eventually decide to perform to get my attention. They have never met MY kid....

I started this new plan yesterday morning and he held his pee all morning. At nap time, I bribed him with a cookie to sit on the potty and then he slept with underwear on for the first time. After nap, he had some milk so I was sure he would need to pee soon. He told Bobbi that he needed to potty and came inside and went upstairs. And then he came outside sans pants and peed on the grass....just like the dogs.

And then I made myself a stiff drink.....

While I sipped my drink and watched Fox News (which is not at all relaxing) Calvin took the children to the park. He called me to tell me that Mallory was sitting at the top of the slide and refused to come down because her BOOBS hurt. He wanted to know where she got that from? How the hell would I know? She's 2 going on 15!

*I used to call iKeith...Calvin on this blog.  That was when he worked on a NASA project and we were in the witness protection program.