The Thanksgiving Lizard!

This is the true story about a lizard and an old lady that beat me with her cane on Thanksgiving.

Calvin and I started dating in August 2003. We got a slow start to our relationship when he was deciding between me and two other women. He ultimately chose me after a chance encounter in an Evergreen bar but I was a little apprehensive because he was such a ladies man.

By mid-October, he had spent many nights at my apartment but I had not been to his. I was starting to think he was secretly married or homeless or was just not that into me. One night, we were talking on the phone and he said, 'SHIT, I just saw something scurry across my floor!' I was concern and asked him what it was. He said he didn't know. A few minutes later, he again shrieked like a little girl and said that a big green lizard had ran across the room.

He said it was about a foot and a half long and rather large! My heart sank. I was pretty sure that I had told him about my fear of snakes, lizards, spiders and clowns so I started thinking that this was his way of letting me down easy. Because I sure as hell wouldn't be hanging out in a lizard infested apartment!

Our relationship continued and he never mentioned the lizard again. He took me on a fishing trip to meet his parents and things were really progressing nicely. So nicely that he invited me to travel to Alamosa with his family for Thanksgiving. And we would be spending the night!

We were going to leave very early on Thanksgiving morning so I spent the night before at his apartment. I got up really early to do my hair and make-up since I would be meeting a bunch of Calvin's family. I was standing in his bathroom, blow drying my luscious blonde hair upside down to give it extra volume, when I stood up and out of the corner of my eye....I saw it.

THE LIZARD!

It was in the hallway just outside the bathroom door! I screamed and jumped up on the toilet, as Calvin came running to rescue me! He trapped it and put it in a box. And then he proceeded to laugh at me....up on the toilet in my bra and panties, hairdryer in my hand, pointed at the floor like a gun!

I didn't think it was very funny.

We went to Alamosa and I met about 30 members of his extended family. Including Aunt Eva. She was a very crabby, old lady. I was standing with a Coors Light in my hand, at a set of three steps that went from the family room to the dining room. Aunt Eva got up from her recliner and headed straight for me. I started trying to think of something nice to say and introduce myself...she stopped right in front of me and yelled something in spanish. I thought she was saying something very important and figured she was hard of hearing and that is why her volume was so HIGH. I told her that I didn't understand Espanol and she reached for my hand. The hand that was holding the cold Coors Light. I figured there must be more beers in the cooler so I said, 'oh Aunt Eva, do you want my cervesa? ' She yelled at me again and this time she smacked my leg with her cane a couple times! I jumped out of the way and saw what she was after.


She was reaching for a grab bar that she used to pull herself up the stairs. And I was leaning against it. The poor woman just wanted to use the bathroom! She was less than pleased that this chatty blonde was offering her a beer!

Have a wonderful and filling Thanksgiving!