Calvin* thought they had wrapped things up last week and he had made clear that he wasn't interested in being Mormon.
Last night, 8 pm....there is a knock at the door. I freeze. I know who it is. It is Brother Horton Hears A Who. That is my new name for him. His name is Brother Horton....I added the Hears A Who.
He has brought Calvin a book to read. Okay. So this guy is f*cking deaf not listening because Calvin told him he doesn't like to read and that is one of his issues with the church. There is too much fasting/church attending/sobriety reading.
We talked last night about how Calvin must really be jacking up their statistics on how long it takes to convert someone. And I bet there is a weekly memo about the attempts at saving Heathen Weiss. I told him I'm glad that Brother Horton Hears A Who parks across the street because I'm sure everyone on the block knows his car and is aware of what he is doing here. They are all waiting patiently for news that we have been proselytized converted.
And Mallory. OH the poor thing. When Horton Hears A Who was at our door last night. She started screaming at the top of her lungs and dug her nails into my neck. It took me 10 minutes to calm her down. She apparently has an allergy aversion to Mormons.
Then....this morning when I was making my coffee. I saw it. The book that Brother Horton Hears A Who brought for Calvin to read.
That would be Norman the Mormon.
I laughed my tushie off! Brother Horton will not give up!! And now he really does think we are Jewish, which was my next plan of getting them off our back. I was looking for a Star of David to put on my front door!
I really wish that our desire to not be Mormons and just co-exist was possible. It seems to be all or nothing here. I have known so many people that haven't tried to convert me to their religion and it was never a condition of our friendship.
In their defense. I am not talking about all Mormons. I have met a few that have accepted me as I am. However, I live in a community that doesn't welcome outsiders unless you become one of them. In fact, we learned recently that for a long time they refused to sell their land and homes to non-Mormons. This is the kind of sh*t I am dealing with.
And it looks like I better find a way to co-exist with them because the word on the street is that we are not moving anytime soon.
I'm crushed about it.
Lord help me find a way to live in Utah. I don't want to be miserable.
** ** ** ** ** **
*Calvin used to be iKeith's blog name because he was working on a top secret government program.
You are hilarious! I can't believe they came back!
ReplyDeleteYou've got a great sense of humor and also a wonderful way of writing.
OMG too funny!!
ReplyDeleteLet me begin by saying some of the nicest people I know are Mormons and they have never once tried to convert the Insta-family. Not.Once.
ReplyDeleteTwo years ago, The Hubs and I drove through Provo and totally fell in love. Then my brother-in-law was stationed in Ogden, and we fell in love again. Not as much, but enough that we have seriously considered the move to Utah when we can liberate ourselves from The Eldest Child's bio mother.
But this is what we worry about. Because we have heard the stories like this. And somehow, we don't think the nice Catholic family is really going to fit the mold.