The Bachelor: De-Ice Jake's Heart

ABC didn't have The Bachelor from last night on their website this morning so I had to pay $1.99 to see it.   Towards the end....I wanted my money back soooo badly.

This week is the hometown dates.  Normally, I enjoy these episodes but these meetings with the parents seemed forced and unnatural...except for one.  But I'll get to that in a minute.

Stoop Sitting with Jake 

Jake starts off in New York with Gia's family.  She takes him on a boat ride of the harbor and they take cheesy photo's in front of the Statue of Liberty and she tells him more about her past.  Including a bad boyfriend who slept with all of her friends.  What kind of crappy friends did she have that they all slept with her boyfriend.  Jake has dinner with her family and her Mom is very concerned about Gia's haut.  Jake describes Gia as amazing and organic.  Organic?  Looks like someone was playing around with the thesaurus. Gia's brother with a little bit of a hair gel problem...threatens to hunt our sweet Jake down and brake his legs if he doesn't pick Gia.  After dinner, Jake and Gia sit on a stoop and kiss.

When You Wish Upon a Leaf

Ali's hometown date takes place in Williamstown, Massachusetts.  Jake says amazing twice and then Ali says it too.  Because I'm watching this at 5:30am...my drinking game (i'm drinking coffee) includes take a drink every time Jake says AMAZING.  Ali talks about her tradition of wishing on leaves that fall from trees but the trees are bare so Jake shakes a tree for her so she can make a wish.  Jake is a big baby and can't take the cold weather so he and Ali break into her dead Grandma's house to warm up.  She introduces him to her Ghost Grandma and they share a tender moment.  He has dinner with her family and Ali's Mom invites him to come outside by the fire which really was just 5 tealight candles.  Poor frozen Jake can barely form whole sentences because he's frozen.

Mom feels it in her gut that Ali and Jake are going to end up together and gives him her blessing.  You can tell this woman is just itching to plan a wedding!  Finally, a producer gives Jake his giant blue scarf and a cup of coffee because everyone insists on making him sit outside next to this *fire*.  Ali thinks she's going to get everything she wants and they share a tender kiss.

And they dined on Red Herring

Tenley's hometown date is in Newburg, Oregon.  They meet in the woods and she runs to him just like the producers told her too but someone forgot to tell her to wrap her legs around his waist so when he picks her up off from the ground...her legs are stick straight.  Awkward!  Jake has not returned the giant scarf and now he has added a red plaid blanket.  He and Tenley talk about the kind of marriage they both want and they agree that being a team...a WE is very important to both of them.

Tenley takes him to a dance studio and dances for him.  He loves it and is happy that she shared this part of herself with him. Tenley introduces Jake to her family and they are all moved to tears about the possibility of Tenley being with Jake.  Her Dad admits to Jake that he watches the show and had wished that his daughter could hook up with him when he saw him on The Bachelorette.  Jake asks for permission to marry Tenley.  I think this is just a trick so that we think he picks Tenley who is so obviously made for him.  Tenley says that her heart feels safe which is the kiss of death on this show.  This hometown date had more substance and feeling than all of the dates put together.  I'm afraid I'm about to be terribly disappointed.....

She really is Daddy's Girl

Jake joins Vienna in Florida and he looks so much more relaxed now that he doesn't have to wear 4 layers of clothes.  Of course, Vienna is dressed like a big ole slut and runs to him in a swamp.  They board a boat and take a leisure ride looking at native animals...turtles, alligators and tramps.  She warns him that her Dad has never liked any of her boyfriends and that he's very protective of her.

 Jake meets her family and Vienna's Dad can't keep his hands off from her.  He's crying because he hasn't seen her in so long (what? 4 weeks?) and gives her 4 more hugs.  He takes Jake out to the shed *cue the music from deliverance* and tells him that he had better treat his little girl like a princess.  Jake agrees to the terms and says that he's falling hard for Vienna.

At dinner he tells her family that he loves that she is brutally honest and that she made the other woman crazy with jealousy.  He describes her as refreshing. DRINK!  Jake and Vienna go lay on a bed and she shows him the ring she wears that her Daddy gave her and says she'll take it off when he becomes her Daddy.  Her Dad comes in and tells Jake to keep his hands off his woman daughter.  And that he's just right outside the door.

Back in LA....

Ali shows up at Jakes hotel room and she's crying.  She's pulling an ED and says that she has to decide if she will stay and lose her job or go back to work.  She's looking for Jake to help her make a decision.  Jake tells her he doesn't want her to go but that she needs to minimize her regrets.  She leaves and then sits in the hall crying.

Jake talks with Chris Harrison and tells him he's fallen for all four women and he doesn't know how this is going to turn out.  Ali asks to talk to Jake again and they spend an unbelievable amount of my time talking and crying and sighing and finally Jake asks her NOT to go so then she says well, I'm out of here and he walks her outside and tells her that he feels like she's slipping through his fingers and he doesn't know how to stop it.  He has a breakdown (Jake cries...DRINK) when her limo drives away because his haut is broken.

And alas, there will be no rose ceremony.  Next week...they go to the Caribbean and in the previews...Ali calls Jake.


Edited: I've gotten a bunch of emails asking for my drinking game.  Here it is:

Drink (liquor in PM, coffee in AM) when Jake:

• Says Amazing, Refreshing or Nice
• Puts a girl's legs over his legs
• Cries
• Carries Gia like a baby