Non-Mormons Guide to Utah

I was reading a post from Dooce today about her study.

In this post I discovered that most homes in Utah have a room just off from the front door that is used for Home Study with the Mormon teacher that is assigned to come to your home and check up on you.  ie...Brother Horton.

We thought this room was a dining room but now that I have this bit of information, it makes sense that this is what it was supposed to be used for because it was painted fertile earth brown and it had french doors with no handles on it. All the better to lock Brother Horton in my dear!

Since moving back to Denver, we've had time to reflect on our Utah experience...I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner...but as a public service to all new transplants to Utah I present:

The Non-Mormons Guide to Utah

• The room near the door is not a dining room..it's a home study room. This would be a good place to visit with the missionaries you will be inundated with. Don't be a dork like me and make them stand outside in the cold. 

• The room in the basement with shelves is not a wine cellar. It's for your one year (or 3 month if your broke) supply of canned goods. A list of what you are supposed to have on hand can be found here. You can expect at least one neighbor to bring you a couple cans to get you started.

• The church at the end of your street is called a Ward. The guy that runs it is called a Bishop. The big churches with the gates around it are called Temples...you can't go in unless you are a Mormon.

• General Conference is a meeting that is televised twice a year (generally...April and October). You will think that the second coming of Jesus has occurred but it's just that all of the Mormon's are glued to their TV's for the entire weekend. This is a great time to go to the Zoo or any other popular venue.

• If people at the grocery store don't smile at you....it's because they don't recognize you from The Ward.

• Liquor stores and grocery store beer. Liquor stores are only open until 7pm and 10pm. Plan accordingly. Whatever you do...do not drink grocery store beer. It's a waste of money...they don't call it near beer for nothing. 

• Speaking of booze. You can get a (3.2)beer at 10am...but you have to wait until Noon for wine, real beer and liquor. Don't bother ordering a Martini, Margarita or a Long Island Iced Tea. They are only allowed to give you 2.5 ounces of liquor per drink. Also, you have to order food with it.

• Lots of restaurants and stores are closed on Sunday. Figure out what's open on Sunday and enjoy dining in a near empty restaurant. This is also your best day to go to Target and the Mall.

• Learn to make the following dishes: Jello Mold, Funeral Potatoes, Frog Eye Salad and Fry Sauce.

• It may be difficult to make friends in Utah but don't take it personally. Mormons are very busy with church activities and have likely lived in the same area for their entire lives. Also, you won't have much in common with them. Hang out in coffee shops and approach other people drinking coffee.

• If you aren't interested in becoming Mormon...then don't accept a Book of Mormon or attend any church functions. In some places, this will encourage them to try to convert you. And whatever you do...do not invite them into your living room to discuss things. This gets your name on a special list that you can't be removed from.

• If you do not convert and continually turn the Missionaries away...you may be shunned by your neighbors. Don't take this personally. It's their loss.

• If you see a woman at the grocery store that looks like she just stepped out of an episode of Little House on the Prairie and she has a whole bunch of kids...she's probably a sister wife. Smile and say Hi to her because everyone in the store will be whispering about her behind her back. You are both outsiders...be real nice to her.

• Never admit to having had an abortion, being gay or being Jewish (we aren't...they assumed).
  

• The best restaurants and grocery stores with exotic ingredients are located in Salt Lake City.

Dear Summer Please Visit Utah

In an effort to cut back our expenses...I've decided to resist using the Air Conditioning until the outside temps reach 86 degrees. I was thinking I could wait until it hits 90 degrees but our bedrooms are on the top floor and two of the bedrooms face the west. It gets hotter than a whore in church up there and I the kids have a hard time falling asleep.

Based on the temp this morning and the fact that there is FROST on my deck....I think it will be August before I need to turn the AC on.  I had to preheat my coffee mug, iKeith had to wear a jacket to work and the kids are bundled up in blankets on the couch like it's a snow day.

Summer...you arrive in just a few days?  Have you forsaken Utah?

Fresh dusting of snow on Ben Lomond Peak!

taken at 8:45am

taken at 4:00pm

Updates:
8:45am.....43 degrees burrrr
9:24am....52 degrees! Woot!
10:59am...58 degrees!
1:05pm.....62 degrees!
4:00pm......64 degrees!

Regrets...I have a few.

I'm sitting here crying because I just read a lovely post from Any Mommy, titled Mother's Milk...it's about breastfeeding.  It brought up all kinds of memories and reminded me how mad I am.

Since I reserve the right to use this blog as therapy....feel free to leave right now if you don't want to hear me talk about my (*)(*)  and come back tomorrow. (please come back tomorrow)

I breastfed Alex less than an hour after he was born. It was a struggle at first but once we got home it became easier. He was a hungry little guy and he always made the sweetest little drunk face when he was done.

He became a huge fan of (*)(*) and got his Grandpa Bob to take him to Hooter's when he was only a few weeks old.  Grandpa Bob also bought him a special shirt.

his shirt says I *heart* Boobies!

Since Alex was my first and only baby....I was able to devote huge amounts of time to feeding, cuddling and adoring him.  Those were leisure days of hanging out staring into each other's eyes, daily photo shoots where I dressed him in new outfits and naps.  It was a dreamy time that I'll never forget and always long to return to.


When Alex was about 3 months old, my supply dropped.  I couldn't figure out what was wrong and had to start giving him formula because he wasn't getting enough to eat.  I tried everything I could to bring my supply back...including drinking beer.


Which wasn't the best idea, I discovered,  because the reason for my milk drying up was because I was pregnant again.  And I was devastated that I couldn't nurse anymore.  Our special time each day and him reaching up with his little hand to touch my face...was over. 


I had Calvin take a picture of me nursing him (Alex...not Calvin) one last time and it's a picture I'll cherish forever.


Fast forward 7 months....Mallory is born; three weeks early.  She is jaundiced and requires a bili blanket for  the first week of her life.  She was immediately taken from me when I delivered her and wasn't brought back to my room for 6 hours.  During that time, the nurses had asked my permission to give her formula because she obviously needed to eat and they refused to bring her to me.  Finally, I tried to nurse her and she didn't want anything to do with it.  I tried for hours....


The next morning, the nurses told me to stop because it was better for her to drink formula due to the high levels of bilirubin.  They told me formula would remove it from her body faster and that breastfeeding slows it down.  I believed them and reluctantly stopping trying to feed her...and it broke my heart.


And this is why I'm mad.  Read this quote from breastfeeding-basics.com.

The colostrum and milk she receives will help her move her bowels, speeding up the elimination of bilirubin from her system A sick baby needs the benefits of breastmilk even more than a healthy baby.

I'm mad that the nurses didn't let me nurse her immediately and then lied to me and told me it was better for her if I didn't nurse at all. I'm mad that because I didn't have a good enough reason to hold my new baby constantly for the first week of her life, my mother in law held her instead while I cared for Alex.  I'm mad that Mallory and I didn't get to have that special time together and it took us weeks to really bond.


And I'm mad that I didn't stand up for myself and what I wanted.

Dear People of Utah...

NaBloPoMo....Day 8.  Thanks for the reminder to post yesterday Rachel!

I need to make a statement warn the people of Utah.

If you are wearing your pajama's or something that resembles pajamas...I'm going to photograph you.

If you are wearing a tutu around your waist, with your jeans....I'm going to photograph you.

If you are wearing a shirt that's too small, has a wacky saying on it or your pants are weird...I'm going to photograph you.

If you are wearing boots that also look like tennis shoes....I'm going to photograph you.

And put it on my blog....

If you are wearing a really cute outfit, cute shoes and have a bitchin handbag....I'm going to photograph you.

If you are wearing an adorable jacket...I'm going to photograph you.

And put it on my blog....

Vlog: Wacky Wednesday

I decided to vlog today...since I had make up on.  And I had some stuff to talk about and I will be posting my Connie's Diary entry on Friday so here we are with Wacky Wednesday!

I posted about my skin cancer situation on Facebook today when I got home and found out from several people that when they had their surgeries...the tissue was examined during the surgery to make sure they got everything....instead of sending the tissue off to be checked.  I wish I had know about this type of surgery before I chose this doctor.

In other news...The Ares 1-X launched from Kennedy Space Center this morning and I missed it by 30 seconds. I walked in the door right after it happened. Luckily, Calvin taped it for me.  I was glued to twitter the last two days watching the hashtag #ARES1-X and I was disheartened by so many people that wanted the rocket to fail.  I would like to dedicate this song to those people.

On to the vlog!

Welcome To Utah!

I'm starting this new feature here at my little blog so if you love Utah or you don't want to hear me bitch and moan about Utah then you can skip this post. I will be back to blowing sunshine up your butt tomorrow. Maybe.

You see....when a transplant to Utah encounters something bizarre or frustrating or stupid about Utah. The natives will pat you on the back and say, 'Welcome To Utah.' Which you would think is very nice but it means....Sorry you are stuck here and yes, things here are jacked up.

There have been a number of things that we have found irritating about this place. The lack of quality seafood, the lack of ethnic restaurants, the lack of alcohol in a mixed drink and the lack of Starbucks stores. But the scenery is AWESOME! Okay. So there you go...I don't hate everything.

Yesterday, my little friend showed up just as my husband was leaving for Denver. You know this friend...the one that makes you crave carbs and chocolate and wine and makes your insides twist and hurt. Anyway, my little friend wanted Pizza and then when I pulled out the Domino's coupons she decided she wanted a Philly Cheese Steak with extra provolone and Doritos and a Coke. She was jumping up and down she was so happy.

So...I got online and ordered a cheese pizza and a sandwich. Then I saw they had this kick ass thing where you could track your pizza! Cool! Then it said my order was cancelled. Poop.

I called. The dude told me he was meaning to call me. Because their delivery guy was having car trouble so he didn't come in to work. So....he couldn't deliver my order. I was dumbfounded.

From Wikipedia:

Domino's Pizza, Inc. is an international fast food pizza delivery corporation headquartered just outside Ann Arbor, Michigan United States. It was founded by Tom Monaghan. There are currently about 8,500 corporate and franchised stores in all 50 states and 55 countries.

Get the Door, it ain't Dominos...their NOT the Pizza Delivery Experts!

I told the guy...that he was working at DOMINOS...and that their job is to deliver pizza. He said he was sorry. And then I asked him if they only have one delivery driver. He said YES. One delivery guy for a 20 mile radius. So I asked if another Dominos with a delivery driver could bring me a pizza and he said no because I am in HIS delivery area. Lucky Me.

Papa Johns brought me pizza and wings about an hour later...apparently they only have one driver too.

**********************

My husband is at the Bronco game and it had been on for about an hour when I decided to check and see how they were doing. I went to all the usual channels and then ESPN. No Broncos. The game is not being shown in Utah. AGH!!! This is the second game we have not been able to see. Freakin Utah!

Who Ya Gonna Call?

This has to be one of the worst days I've had in a while. All of that drama this morning over my vote not counting and then my candidate didn't win. The good news is that I just found this article written by the Deseret News about voter fraud in Utah. I am going to call the FBI tomorrow and tell them my story.

Federal authorities said they will be out Tuesday, prepared to respond to election fraud and voting rights abuse complaints.

It is a federal crime to interfere with an election. Voter intimidation, bribery, malfeasance by election officials, qualifying fictitious people to vote, falsely claiming U.S. citizenship and voter coercion are all crimes. Federal laws also prevents people from denying the rights of voters, and protects the rights of voters to mark their own ballot in private.

On Tuesday, the FBI will have special agents available to handle complaints. The U.S. Attorney's Office for Utah can also take election fraud and voting rights abuse complaints at 801-325-3336.

And I think I will mail a copy of the article to Dave!

Voter Fraud in Utah

This morning, we have become victims of Voter Fraud! Calvin went to vote and discovered that we are not on 'the list'. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why because we registered to vote when we got our Driver's Licenses on October 2nd.

I called the Weber County Clerk's office and found out that when we marked the box that asked if we wanted to register to vote, the employee that helped us should have printed out something for us to sign, which would have been forwarded to the County Clerk. The woman I talked to said it is an ongoing problem with the Ogden Driver's License Division.

I called the Lt Governor's office and reported the problem. I emailed KSL 5, ABC4 & the Standard Examiner. I called CNN's hot line for voting problems and left a message.

Then I called Dave. Dave is the man in charge at the Ogden Driver's License Division. I told him what happened and explained how serious this is. He asked me what the person that helped us looked like. I told him that the situation is more serious than that. Because Calvin and I went to get our licenses 3 hours apart because we have small children. We were helped by TWO different people Dave. AT LEAST two different people in your office are not doing their job and NOT registering people to vote when they get their license. This is a serious problem!

Dave tried to blame the County Clerk. Seriously Dave? The County Clerk is responsible for YOUR employee not printing out a form for me to sign. And do you know what Dave said to that? He said...I said I was Sorry. Did you Dave? Are you sorry Dave? He said he tells them all the time to make sure to print those forms out. Dave. I think you need to do more than TALK to them. Do they understand english? Maybe someone should be fired Dave.

I told Dave that I would be calling him every two weeks for the rest of my life to make sure that he is staying on top of this. I also told him I was going to get a baby sitter and come in and test his employees once and a while. Dave told me to...Bring It On! Oh Dave, it's already been brought!

Let this be a lesson to all of you. This isn't just happening in Utah, it is happening everywhere! Don't bother registering when you get or renew your driver's license. Go directly to your County Clerk office. This is the only way to ensure that you're truly registered. Don't fall victim to Dave and his crappy management style.

You may be wondering why I am getting so worked up over this. Well, I take my right to VOTE very seriously, but more than that it is when something happens to me that I think is dead wrong and could happen to someone else....I have to speak up. I am not and have never been one of those people that just says, oh bother. I am a Tigger...not an Eeyore!

And so this concludes my attempts to like living in Utah. I have really been trying hard to like it here, but Utah isn't cooperating with me at all. It keeps giving me reasons to hate it. And since it looks like I won't be escaping this hell hole anytime soon...I am forming a new club.

The I Hate Utah Club.

Edited: To Add Dave's phone number....at Rachel's request!

801-476-7700

Please Explain...

Someone please explain to me.

What the purpose of this hood ornament is?



Why in the world would you need that on your station wagon in Utah? Does the station wagon need protecting? Is this to compensate for his little penis? Surely a woman doesn't drive this. It has to be a man.

Also, if he is using it for protection purposes...why are the points facing toward the car? I sure hope that the dang thing never comes off and pokes the drivers eye out!

This photo was used without the permission of Calvin who snapped this priceless picture in the parking lot of the company he works for. We are in the Witness Protection Program so I can't tell you where this was taken.